64...

Still need you.. 

Happy 64th Birthday Dad.

Love you.

xx

5...?

I miss you
a little,
I guess
you could say,
a little
too much,
a little
too often,
and
a little more
each day...



Dear Dad..

Here we are, again.. much like before.. 

I wonder somedays if I'll ever tire of writing to you..or if I'll run out of things to say.. or if people will tire of reading through my grief and sadness.. or even if you'll tire of hearing me.. and then I smile and remember how you listened through 32 years of my incessant babble and I realise you're not about to stop now.. even if you wanted to..lol.

The days are still long and the nights longer.. the minutes and hours tick by and you're still not here and nothing changes and then everything changes.. but still... nothing inside has really changed.. does that make sense?

Five years have passed and it still feels like this morning.. Five years have gone by and if I close my eyes I can still see your face.. you haven't aged.. (good job btw!) if I screw my eyes up and think hard enough I can almost hear your voice somedays but only when I don't need you.. when I need you I can't seem to find you through the fog of tears.. I'm hoping that will change with experience..lol

So whats new..well..we managed to stop reproducing finally.. although I cant say this is a permanent thing..lol who knows what will happen next?  All I know is it wont be me..heheh

Shona's about to turn 18.. (eep!) Jake is about to start high school (double eep!) and Simon is almost 41.. poor thing..lol

Angelina is a social butterfly.. her calendar is so full of play dates and dinner invitations.. she's out more than I am! The phone is constantly ringing and she's never in the house which is a blessing sometimes cos when she is in there's a child permanently banging on my front door asking if she's playing out..lol

Heather is a sensitive soul.. books, books and more books.. shes currently plowing through "Little Women" and "Pride & Prejudice" of all things.. she's a sponge.. soaks it all up and looks for something new to learn.. she's obsessed with all things David Attenborough at the moment.. I cant keep up with her.. she's destined for great things that one.. her brain is too big.. I hope she can handle it.. :/

Jake is.. dry... and too quick for my liking.. the little bugger is sarcastic and quick witted.. he'll do well I'm sure, he just has to get it out of his head on to the paper faster instead of daydreaming..lol.  He's so sweet.. sympathetic and caring.. he's gonna be a fabulous grown up one day.. he reminds me of you so much.. 

Rich and I went on a health kick and shed a load of weight.. I feel and look better, but there's more to come.. and I finally got that contract at the school.. its only temporary until July at the moment to see how I like and obviously how far the school budget will go but it says "Teaching Assistant" on it! So yay me!  I love it too.. its so good to be doing something I enjoy.. 

Your family tree is giving me hell right now.. what is with all the John Smith's in Bradford in the 1800's??  its just rude... lol and add to that his father is called Samuel and I've NO chance.. especially when it turns out that he was married to a Rachel BROWN.  Smith AND Brown??  Can you get someone up there to give me a hint or a nudge in the right direction and kick start me again cos I'm getting stuck :(

I went up to see Grandma Kath & Grandad Sam.. and found Uncle Freddie and Uncle John George  there with their parents Fred & Betsy too!  I took some flowers.. they were beautiful deep pink tulips.. I thought you might like that.. Im going up again to check out some more of the graves because I think there must be more of us up there and I was so excited to find who I did that I forgot to have a good look around and see who else was there.. honestly it was weird.. I walked through looking and wasn't getting anywhere and I just stopped, when I looked down I was stood next to Grandma Kath & Grandad Sams headstone.. weird... lol

I find it all fascinating.. and I wish I could share it all with you but then again.. you probably know more about it that me now... share some info will you please???

I wanted to come up to see you on your hill today but if I'm honest I was a bit scared.. its a long drive and whilst I don't mind that.. its still an unfamiliar one and with the kids in the car and no Rich (cos he's working) I wasn't quite brave enough, I'm sorry.. :(  I suspect Phil will bob up though.. and Simon isn't in town right now but he's planning a visit later this summer so he'll probably pop up then.. as for us.. well, we have a week off coming up so weather and time permitting we might make it then.. it not, we'll make it over the summer.. I was planning to have been across a few a few times this year already in preparation for the trip today but with the winter being so long and the roads up to Holme Moss being covered in snow and closed for all that time, I just haven't been able to.. I guess we never thought about bad weather when we stuck you up there.. I hope you're not too cold..  :/

5 years is too long for a girl to be without her Daddy :(  

I thought it might be easier by now but it hasn't changed really.. its not easier in any way.. the waves of fear and panic and pain don't come as often now but when they hit its still with the same intensity as always.. there is still that feeling of loss every morning.. I feel generally speaking, that I am lost really.. I dont know if that makes sense either.. its like you left and I went somewhere to look for you and I can't find my way back almost.. and people are changing around me and I cant change and move forward at the same speed.. so I feel a little left behind also.. which adds to the confusion and fog in my head..

I try not to talk about it anymore... there's a feeling that I should be past all this by now, people seem to expect you to "move on" quickly .. really quickly actually, people expect you to grieve quickly and "get over it" and be ok again..but you can't and you don't and the sad part is that the only people that know how hard it is and how it really feels to have someone so precious torn away from you are the people that have been through it.. so the people that are holding you up are the same people that need holding up themselves.. because their grief is still biting at their own heels and their own tears are still bubbling away, sometimes for years and years under the surface ... the circle is endless..and its sad that more and more people have to join that circle everyday.. and the first thing they say when they do is "does it get easier?" and I have to say "No, no it doesn't.."

Do you cope better?  Yes I think so, somedays I even smile.. somedays I hear my daughter tell her friends her Mum is mean and miserable "but she wasnt always like that.." and I wonder what kind of effect this all has on them and I resolve to make things "better" but how can I make things better for them when I don't know how to make them better for me?

I know there will come a time when I will resolve all my issues and feel myself again.. I wish I knew when that would be though.. and I wish you were here to help me.. but then again, if you were.. I wouldn't need you would I? lol  bloody catch 22.. 

Enough of this sadness.. I didn't want this letter to become like this again this year...

So..  The good news is sometimes you still surprise me.. like in the supermarket last week I heard a song that made me smile..I know a couple of little people that recognised it too which should make you smile... I probably played it a dozen times for you since.. apologies for the spanish subtitles.. but I could only find one video of the version you like, and so I'm going to leave you for now with this..enjoy..


Love you always Dad, speak to you soon xx

Old as she was...

She still missed her daddy sometimes..everyday..

Hey Dad..

It's wet and miserable and cold today.. a bit like my mood really if I'm honest..

Another year without you has passed all too quickly.. much has changed and yet.. much stays the same.. which is oddly comforting in a way..

We're all older.. little bit wiser I hope.. although I'm not too sure about that actually..lol
We're expanding.. (and I dont mean my waistline, thats shrinking very nicely, thank you!), thats the Royal "we".. I actually mean Phil.. he's been busy pro-creating again lol.  Your new Grandson is a belter bless him as is his sister.. who would charm your socks off she's so adorable.

Everyone is the same.. just older.  We're all still fantastically gorgeous and completely bonkers obviously lol. I feel silly sitting here telling you this when I know you still see all... I like to think you do anyway.  What can I tell you thats new?  nothing really..nothing that you dont already know..or cant already see.

Truth is I'm stuck.. I've been sitting here all day thinking..thinking about what to write.. what to say.. which song to post that has meaning to you, to us.. and well.. thing is.. I've got nothing.

Sorry.. I had nothing.

I've sat, pretty much staring into space at frequent times over the last 19 days.. It starts with the birdsong on the 1st May every year.. the change from April to May.. that word "May" brings that feeling.. that knot in the  pit of my stomach and I cant shift it.. and I do try.  I've spent the last week in the gym.. (might as well take my bed there I'm there that often at the moment), then I go to work, then I come home, then I go to pick the kids up and then I come home and find something to do until bedtime that rules out any time to actually think.. its quite clever really..lol

Trouble is the day still comes even if I dont think about it, the rat bag... I think its highly unfair by the way that time hasn't stopped for me and everyone else as I'd like it to.

So then I wake up a day or so before and think "oh hell.." (amongst other things..) and I find I've been caught off guard again.. even though I never forget and I know exactly what day.. how many hours, minutes..etc I know it all.. how could any of us forget?  We couldn't..

So..pushing all to one side isnt really working for me either is it?  So here I was, just sitting thinking about the last couple of weeks and how they'd got away with me again.. I thought about this morning when I went to the supermarket and walked through the door to a bunch of white roses straight infront of me.. which I absent mindedly picked up and paid for..
I thought about the song on the radio in the car the other day (shhh keep reading - it's at the bottom..lol) .. That bloody weather forecast on Look North one day last week that made me jump when it came on with a picture of the transmitter and the hills of Holme Moss behind the forecaster!!
The poem a friend posted on another friends facebook page that brought a tear and a memory even though it wasnt intended for me.. the little things that I've noticed and registered in my head but haven't connected over the last 19 days until now..you know the ones... the signs...

I still feel the breeze on my face sometimes and sometimes it makes me smile.. sometimes I cry.. I wont lie, I do still cry, I think I always will..but sometimes, I laugh too these days.. I'm not saying it goes away because it doesnt go away.. it doesnt hurt less, its with me everyday.  In those first few blurry moments when I wake and in my sleepy head I'm 15 and at home in bed and the sun is streaming through the window and you're yelling from the bottom of the stairs telling me to get my "precious Princess arse out of bed and get ready for school"  lol!!  Then my eyes open and focus and I see I'm almost 37 and I'm in my own bedroom (which is still a tip by the way.. some things really havent changed!!) and I remember..and life kicks me out of bed and makes me make breakfast and sandwiches and send small people off to school..and even though I know that gut tearing moment and its relentless grief so well now...it doesnt stop.. but I see now that neither did my life and thats ok too.

I miss you.. I will always miss you everyday forever and ever and ever, I know this..

and yes, I see your signs..

and I know you miss me too.


Until next time...

JenJen
x

Dear Dad

Today is your birthday.. you should be 61.

We bought white roses to remember, ate Maltesers and drank hot chocolate whilst we talked of you.. its nice to hear the things the kids remember.. your "dancing" eyebrows, the tickles and laughter... and I love the way Heather always smiles softly as she says "Grandad Peter was nice.."

They miss you.

I miss you.

I love you Daddy, Happy Birthday..

J
x

p.s. almost forgot your present.. I passed... and come that lonely day in May, I'll be there on that hill to see you.. in that car you paid for.. driven by me.

I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Job done... yes  thats another thing to cross off the "Things my Dad thought I should do" list

Yeah I know I was a bit shocked too but its true... look!!

Sorry had to black out bits for obvious reasons but there it is.. the pass certificate and I dunno if u can see this but what surprised me was that I only had 2 faults!

there, hope thats not TOO blurry! lol.. yes I know.. 2 faults.. who'd have thought I was that good? hehehe  especially after having failed repeatedly due to the small matter of shockingly bad nerves..

I'm more than a little surprised that I managed to get in the car for the test because I almost cancelled at the last minute.. sooooo glad I didnt now!!

So thats what I've been doing for the last couple of weeks.. which explains why I havent been able to concentrate on updating here and blogging the fantastic holiday we've just taken in Scarborough with the kids and the mother in law... it was truly brilliant, there were some amazing giggles and there are about 200 photos and lots to tell so now the driving test is out of the way and I am able to focus on something else I shall be spending the weekend typing out the "Savage Tour of 2011!" posts... sorry for delay but I think after all I've been up to this week that i deserve a break dont you?  Watch this space.. I promise it wont be long..lol

Now.. if you'll excuse me.. I have a date with a cheeky lil Peugeot 307 I like to call David... ;)

"If music be the food of love....

play on" they say... and it has been, in my head constantly lately...

ok brace yourselves.. I think my Dad is messing with me.. o_O

Yes I know he's been dead for 3 years but we've had this conversation before.. My Dad always told me that if he could find a way to bloody haunt me he would..

We need to go back a bit for the full tale.. a long long time ago I had a few cross words with a dentist-type person that I didn't like so much.. well he kept hurting me and then he kept charging me for the priviledge and that relationship wasn't working very well for me see.. so when he told me one afternoon that I needed certain work doing that I didn't think I needed I wasted no time in telling him I would not be partaking in his idea for my perfect smile... to be honest, he'd drained the well of all cosmetic dentistry funds and I was a wee bit sore... so no, I dont really want my fillings replaced, they're fine and doing the job perfectly and I dont really care if they're that nasty old silvery colour instead of the new white ones.. I'm not doing it.. argument ensues and I tell him to shove his drill up his... well, I dont think I need to go on... you can probably guess...

I didnt see him so much after that.. or at all even.. that was about 5 years ago..

How does my Dad fit into this? Well he told me to apologise.. or better still find a new (or cheaper) one!!!  But not being so keen on dentist-type people, I did neither.  Oops.

Jump forward to last year and there I am munching down on an apple or something and out comes my bloody filling.. and can I just add at this point that it wasnt one of the nasty old silvery coloured ones that have been in my head for about 20 years.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it was one of his stoopid new white ones that are supposed to be BETTER.. yeah right.. TWAT,..I hate to say I told you so, you fat balding old sadist but I DID!!!

Anyway.. filling (white) out.. "Oh bugger." think I.. "Thats not good.." and the next morning I wake up with a very sore tongue..cos well.. you just cant leave it alone can you? and the edges are always a bit rough lol..So,  I avoid dealing with it for a few days because it doesnt hurt...which was a big mistake because then I bit into something and broke the tooth..

"Ahh shit."  say I as I pick out tooth from my mouth.  "Thats going to sting abit!"

Only it didnt.  Not only that but a week later as I continue my search for a new dentist.. it STILL didn't.  See its above the gum line, so its not going to.. there wasnt any root exposed... and I couldnt find a dentist.. and I dont like them anyway so I didnt try tooooooo hard.. and I left it.

Of course now I'm in total frigging agony and the pigging thing needs to come out.. I still cant find a dentist and will most certainly have to pay for private dentistry which, is fine now cos I can afford it but still... I dont want to phone them cos I'm a big girlie poof and would rather be in agony obviously.. lol.

So again, how does my Dad fit into all this?  Well.. I have noticed when I need to do something or rather, he thinks I should be doing something I am bombarded with music.. more specifically a known "Dad tune" everywhere I go.. it'll crop up on a tv show or be on when I put the radio on and be on another station when I change channels.. it'll be on in the supermarket etc.. taxi radio.. If I then dig out the cd and "acknowledge" that I've heard it, it will stop for a day or so.. if I ignore it then I hear it in my sleep.. it'll be the song on the radio that wakes me in the morning for the next 3 days.. one of the kids will be humming it etc..

He drives me crazy with it.  It only stops when I do what needs to be done...soooo.. I'm phoning the dentist in the morning..cos I cant take anymore of the Beach Boys "Good Vibrations" this week..

Go on admit it.. you're singing along now aren't you??  Yeah you are... I can hear you!!!

Nite all..

xx

Dear Dad...already?

Dear Dad...

I started this letter days ago.. I figured if I began early, well in advance of the day it might give me the chance to work my way up to it slowly.. prepare myself in some way as if it might almost make it easier to bear this year...but it didn't.. and truth be told, I only really got as far as "Dear Dad" and then I stopped.. blank... and I'm not quite sure why cos it's been another eventful year and I have much to share with you so why I've struggled to write this time I don't know.

I think its because this is year 3.  People expect you to have returned to a somewhat normal life by now.. I read an article recently where a woman was at the three-year marker in her grief for her daughter that had passed and she wrote that..


"Bob Deits, in his book, "Life After Loss," describes mourning as a test of endurance. "It takes a long time to work through the various phrases of recovery," he explains. According to Deits, the two year marker, or milestone, as he calls it, requires self patience. We expect normalcy because we survived the first year. "The second year proves how lonely it can be to make it without the one you lost."
But few grief experts have written about the three year marker and it is also significant. A friend called me about this marker. "Three years have passed since my husband died," she said. "It's still hard." I understand her feelings because I almost feel like I am starting my grief journey anew." *

and I have to say its true.  I knew it was coming but I still tried to ignore the day, I buried my head in the busy, noisy life I lead these days and just didn't think about it and then I woke up yesterday morning feeling like a train had hit me and even though I tried to get on with my day and took the kids to school etc I still came home and sunk to my knees and sat on the floor for an hour staring into space.. as you do y'know.. no reason lol.

So still I find I'm no closer to dealing with it.  The first anniversary I braced myself for & tackled it head on, the second I allowed to sneak up on me and this year I ignored it and still... still it hurts the same as it did last year and the year before and the year before..  hmmm.. I'm running out of ways to cope with it now.. wonder what I'll do next year? lol

Sod it..I'll think of something...but for now... news.

Zakk's got chickenpox.. I'm reliably informed he looks like one big spot poor lad.. and I had to giggle because I remember when my 3 got it and he got away with a patch of about 6 spots on his shoulder and Tracey was rubbing it in.. heh, she's not laughing now..

Anyway, he's not very impressed.. but Tracey says the calamine lotion is proving to be a great source of entertainment.. I think the words were "Ooh!! its a bit cold on my testicles Mummy!!!!"
Talking of Zakk you would be most proud.. he was the team mascot for Bradford City the other week.. he goes regularly with Phil.  Jake and Rich went a couple of weeks ago.. Jake thought it was great.. Zakk got a bit bored and took his DS to play with (smart boy in my opinion..) which I dont think went down too well with Phil..lol

Talking of Phil.. he's going to be a father again, I'm told he and Catie are expecting a new arrival in December ...I'm hoping for twins - for sheer entertainment value and much giggling on mine (and Simon's) part but I don't think we're getting them.. boooooo :(
Zakk says it better be a boy, he wants a brother.. he's bloody sick of girls..even though Livvi is the cutest little girl I ever saw.. and she looks weirdly like your Mum still.. lol

Shona is 16 in a couple of days.. I think Tracey's trying my "ignore tactic" for that one ;) but thats not working either.. maybe that should have been my clue.. hmmmm....

Fran & Rose are 13!!! Where the bloody hell did that go then?  They're beautiful.. James is still tall and well.. he's a grown up and I suspect is more than likely able to drink more than me (& you lol) and probably does too.. and little Albie.. ahh he's just so cute its not funny, I dont see any of them nearly enough :(

As for us.. we're still here, cuts and bruises and all.. Jake scared the living crap out of me recently by falling off his bike and attempting to eat some pavement and Angelina thought she'd try to finish me off by wiping the playground floor at school with her face... but they're all fine, just about anyway.

Heather got put on the "gifted and talented" list at school for her abilities in reading and writing.. when I told her she had a look of confusion on her face until I asked her what was up.. "Well which is it?  Am I gifted or talented?" lol..she still reads everything she can find.. I often find her in the bathroom on the throne, swinging her legs and reading the back of the shampoo bottle ( like father like daughter.) and singing to herself..

Angelina is a social butterfly.. she asked why she wasnt on the gifted and talented list.. cos she thought she should be on the gifted and talented list and why is Heather on the list and why isnt Jake?  and what is the gifted and talented list and who decides who should be on it and who shouldn't?  and how long will she be on it for? and will she still be on it next year? and maybe I will be on it next time and Ooooh!! can I play out now?  I had to wait until she came up for air before reminding her that if she shut up for a minute she might be able to knuckle down and do some work for a change and then they might see how smart she is and she might get put on it too, but she'd lost interest and had gone off to talk at someone else for a bit..

They're getting so big Dad its not funny.. they're tall and mouthy.. who decided it was important to teach these children to question me?  Was that you?  I have a daily battle with your Grandson who is pushing his boundaries every day at the minute, wanting to go further and play longer and stay up later.. I long for simpler days when he sat in his bouncer blowing raspberries at you in that house in Sowerby Bridge.. he was quiet then..and he did as he was told.. when he wasn't throwing spaghetti at me or sneezing pureed apple all over me lol.
He's discovered cricket (he's your Grandson thats for sure), he plays after school on a Wednesday (YES I've already told him he has to play for East Bierley and at county level for Yorkshire..lol) and he LOVES it..he's also in the art club too and I can't keep up with him he's got a better social life than me!!!

I found McGinnis, I tried to find him to let him know 3 years ago but I couldn't and then would you believe I was on facebook and Gaynor popped up on the recommended friends list.. we must have a couple of mutual friends, so I messaged and told her and she told Hugh, she gave me his number.. I haven't phoned him yet.. I probably should..I dont know why I didnt.. I will.

I also got a lovely letter from Mrs Bell, just keeping in touch.. she likes me to send her pics of the kids and keep her up to date with the news and stuff.. she misses you so much, she says she's always talking to you and can you please stop hiding her files.. its not funny anymore! lol.  I need to mail her back actually.. its been a while.

I also need to phone Sandra too.. get her in the loop with Phil's news and then she can start knitting bless her..I haven't spoken to her since we sold the house, I hope we did the right thing with that..it was hard to let her go :(

Oooh and I need to tell you that Lisa was in the audience for a Jools Holland episode the other night.. yeah how jealous are you!?!?! lol




I still think of you everyday Dad, sometimes I even smile now.. occasionally I laugh too.. have to admit though, sometimes I still cry.. I told a girl I know that lost her own father recently that the pain doesn't go away and its always still there.. you just get better at managing it.  I hope it made her feel better.. it was the truth as I saw it at the time..still is really.

I found a poem on a website today that reminded me of .. well.. things.. I should maybe share it with her too..

Good night Dad, love you....

xxxx

P.S.  Why do I keep hearing this in stupid places and in the supermarket??  If you want to hear something you only have to ask y'know.. ;)

Sleep well 

x

 

(Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/3374572)*

Happy Birthday?

Miss you Dad x

Welcome to the twiglet zone...

Ok I think that most of you that visit here know me quite well right?

Well then you'll know that although I've never been the most "sensible" person at times my feet are usually quite firmly planted on the ground right? hmmm.. or are they?

Well I like to think I have a nice strong hold of my mind... all marbles are present and correct and currently intact too (YAY!! I'm winning!!) and although I sometimes have to juggle them (usually the waking hours or when my children are present..lol), they are still all there after my (almost) 35 years.. and I don't think thats too bad really.. I mean I do live with Richard for a start..lol

Anyway.. I being me, I figured I'd seen pretty much everything.. or I'd heard about it at least heh ;)

I have most things covered too.. I'm a good judge of character and I'm not exactly known for taking prisoners should the occasion for a vulgar display of temper arise.. I don't suffer fools much these days.. oh come on..why should I? Some people are just plain stupid lol.

I know who I am, who my friends are, what I want from them and they from me..and that's ok.

Yep I am truly displaying all the traits of a proper grown up.. I am who I am and not only that but I am now accepting of this too and feel zero need to change for anyone - which is novel for a start..lol

Ok.. so why has 30 minutes in a little room with short, skinny woman turned me upside down and left me re evaluating everything I thought I already knew?




Well.. this woman is no ordinary woman.. this woman is a psychic medium. *enter strange 'noo noo noo noo' twiglet zone music*.

One thing I've never been sure of is all things spiritual. The whole paranormal activity thing gives me the chills and I'm not afraid to admit that I avoid spooky supernatural type movies due largely to fact that they scare the crap out of me and I also avoid Tarot cards and Ouija boards and the like with an absolute "no way" stance at all times.. so why? Why would I even think of entertaining the idea of a visit to a psychic?

Well the opportunity arose...the thought that I may find some much needed answers ate away at me and well, have you ever known me to not do something just because I was scared?? no.. thats what I thought too.. I did however take my Mum.. purely as back up - obviously, she's a reet double 'ard bitch my Mum... LOL

So off we went to and being as I'm such a polite and well brought up kinda girl I made her go first.. lol.
Well when she came out she was crying (my Mum - not the medium.. haha), not balling her eyes out but weeping a little anyway.. most unusual for my double 'ard Mum.

So then I had to go in because my Grandpa wouldn't leave until he'd said hello.. my first reaction was to laugh.. it'd been many years since Nick and I had been close and although I did love him v much I had spent along time angry with him for various things and we hadn't really spoken for quite a while before his death and so the little pendulum of belief inside me swung towards the non believing/skeptic part of me.. because I wasn't convinced he would have wanted to speak to me I suppose.

So I sit and she tells me various bits and pieces and I'm not convinced at all.. at first I feel like I'm giving her maybe too much information... like you do when you meet a new person and you talk.. I'm very conscious of the things she is asking without actually asking if you see what I mean.. I know 'these people' can gleam information from anything and I am acutely aware of the fact that I can be an 'open book' at times (I have that kind of face..lol) and so I shut my mouth and concentrate on giving basic answers and little info.

She tells me my Grandad (who is my mums Dad) doesn't understand why he's there with my father.. which is understandable really.. my Grandad died in January aged 80-something and my father 5 months later aged 57, it would be reasonable for him to be confused by the very early death of my Dad.

She gives me names...

John (my Dad's father) and George which was his second/middle name (John George),
M.. "Is it Mary??" - yes it is she's my Dad's Mum..
"Jane.." my Mum's mum and the Grandad (Mum's Dad) who is very well spoken... yes he was and "he has another wife ... W?"

er... bugger me yes.. Wendy

Wendy, she tells me.. isn't in spirit but is very poorly... (remember this..its important later..lol)

then my Dad.. who she said was smiling and came in close to me and just like that the tears fill my eyes immediately.

I have to say at this part I figured she'd spoken of my Dad with my mum before so she'd known he'd passed but as it happens she hadn't.. my Mum told of her current husband but not my Dad...

There was much talk of my Dad, the usual things such as "he's very proud of you.. he loves you very much.. thinks you're a great mum" etc etc.. all the things that a father would say to his daughter that anyone could say psychic or not..and there are the other bits..

"your Dad goes to the caravan with you" - we didn't start going to the caravan until the summer he died so that threw me a bit..Then she said something about only having a few photos and were some of them copied? I have to say I did almost fall off my chair there.

if we go back to here, this is the letter I wrote to my Dad the night before his funeral. scroll down to the bottom to the p.s...I had originally written the letter on paper and copied/scanned some special photos of us all and put it in an envelope and then in his casket to take with him to read on his journey so to speak.. and everytime I write another letter to him here on his birthday or the anniversary etc, I always spend ages choosing and scanning photos to put with it.. there is no way she could have known that. She also said that he wished I'd picked a better one when his hair looked better..lol bless him..

and so it went on.. there were bits that made me laugh like "Have you been looking at shoes lately?" heh.. duh.. when am I not? "Dad says 'Get em'" - er.. yes.. I undoubtedly will and at this point my pendulum of belief is firmly swinging towards the big sign saying "I'm a believer!!!" lol.. I'm soooooooooooo shallow..hehehe

Then there were various things about the kids, our family, the presence of an old dog with Dad (we did have a dog many years ago..) and I continued to swing between believing and not.. it's a strange feeling, that moment that she pulls something out of no where and floors you with it.

"your Dad said 'when you're dead you're dead but bugger me if I can find a way to come back and haunt you then I will" is that right?"

wtf?!?! and I pick myself up off the floor, nod my head and thinking yeah.. thats right.. and virtually word for word too.

I can't explain it.. can you?

After I felt better. I slept like a baby that evening and although I'm not completely convinced there were definitely some things said that she couldn't possibly have known.. I'll definitely go again though..

A few days later, Mum and I were comparing notes and we both brought up Grandad's second wife Wendy.. if you've been paying attention you will remember I mentioned earlier that our psychic friend mentioned Wendy was ill to me, well she had told us to get in touch with her and so as we know she's fairly old we figured it was probably guess work - I mean anyone can say someone old is sick right? But to be safe we decided Mum should ring her anyway.

this is over a week ago.. Mum wasn't getting an answer from Wendy's phone number and had been leaving messages... last night she finally managed to get through.

Wendy's in the hospital.



ya.. freaked me out too..

noo noo noo noooooooooooooo!!!!!!




p.s. I'm looking on google for the crystal ball pic and I type in "psychic medium" and click images and it gives me this...



WTF IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?! o_O

can't stop laughing... gonna pee my pants.. gotta go!! xxx

Dear Dad...

How's the weather up there on your big hill??

It's here again... that day.. I want to say "hateful day" but how can it be the fault of a day? That doesn't make sense... So I change it to read "hurtful" day but the day itself is not hurtful.. indeed its been a beautiful day so far, the sun woke me at the crack of sparrows fart shining softly through the curtains as the birds sang a happy tune... a beautiful morning in May, a morning you would have loved I'm sure.. so "hurtful" isn't the word either..

So I settled on "hurt-filled" I believe.. for that is how I think of today.. filled with hurt and sadness.. as last year and the year before.

Yes.. we're 2 years in.. it doesn't feel any different, it doesn't hurt any less and for that I feel pity.. pity for all who are to find themselves here where I sit.. in my "shoes" so to speak (although you know I'm not wearing any cos you used to always tell me to put some slippers on..lol) in years to come.

They who said it would end were wrong. They who comforted with words of "it gets easier" were kindly hiding the truth at a time when the truth needs to be hidden...

It doesn't end and it doesn't get easier and I can't imagine it ever will. Somethings in life are just wrong, somethings are just unfair and some people are just unlucky..

There is something to be said for the realisation of this - its actually quite liberating in a way. I guess I finally grew up lol.. yeah yeah I know.. its about bloody time right??

ok ok enough with the philosophising... here's what you want to know right?

well... it's been a while now, your grandson is at least a foot taller and is mouthier than ever... but he's so soft and gentle with it too.. I've recently been unwell (don't worry its only tonsillitis I'm not coming up there just yet..lol) and he's been taking care of me.. yes.. apparently what I really need is lots and lots of watching him play video games, copious amounts of his favourite ice cream (I'm allowed one too occasionally) and absolutely ZERO homework for at least 2 weeks... if all this happens I'll be juuuuuuuuuuust fine apparently..lol

He's doing ok.. he avoids schoolwork as often as possible and plays out as much and as late as possible and is generally a proper boy.. he even farts on my leg and invites me to "smmmmell iiiiiiiit!!!!!" .. ahhhh he'd make you soooooooo proud..lol. At the moment he's gearing up for his first world cup tournament (well its actually his second but he was a bit little to remember the last one) and he's got his little panini sticker book and he's spending all my money on stickers.. yeah.. so I'm sick AND skint.. this week is GREAT.

Heather and Angelina are doing brilliantly at school.. Heather is scarily advanced with her reading.. she's reading books on a higher level than some of the kids in Jake's class.. he's convinced she'll catch him up eventually.. she probably will..lol
She's still a Princess.. still wants to be a butterfly - loves all things pink and is currently obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.. yes I blame you for this, you bought the dvd. lol. She sings constantly and reads everything and sings everything she's reading.. lol it's funny. she's a joy to be near actually..

Angelina is in some ways similar (the singing) and in others a polar opposite.. not at all shy she's got a mouth bigger than mine and an attitude to match.. ohhh how much fun will I have when they hit their teens? She's hilariously funny.. she says what she thinks and if you don't like it?? well tough..and yet it's all front and bravado and she likes a nice cuddle as much as anyone.. of course she'd get many more if she'd just shut up for a second!!!! lol They're all mad...

As for the rest of us we're all still here.. Fran and Rosie got big!! and James is the tallest person in the world I'm sure.. Simon is still.. Simon lol and Phil is himself as ever.. lol Shona is smart.. which is good cos she's gonna need to be to go do all that marine biology stuff she wants to do and Zakk is like a mini version of Phil.. right down to the grunt bless him.. Little Albie is so gorgeous.. I wish you could see him..what am I thinking.. I'm sure you probably have..lol

I am 2 years (yes count them 1...2.. T-W-O!!) into my no smoking thing.. can't believe it myself and this year will be celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary.. can't believe it!! SOOOOOOO I went out and you bought me a present... cos I'm 35 this year too.. yeah you bought me a car (thank you very much btw) I still can't drive the damn thing but it sure looks pretty on my driveway...lol. I really should correct that.. I CAN drive it.. just not when there's an examiner sat next to me it appears... I know I know.. I'm trying.. I CAN... I WILL... I MUST.... I think i just lost my nerve a little.. I'll get it back.

And so the world still turns and long summer days loom once more...More memories to make, only this time I'm the grown up behind the camera, taking the photos and not the subject standing sulkily in them lol.. remember this?




I did smile sometimes too though...lol



There are days Dad, when all I seem to do is miss you, sometimes I smile and others I cry.. and I think I'm finally accepting that this is the norm now.. but that's ok too.. I know I like the fact that I still think of you everyday.. I don't want to forget.. not that I ever could forget this face?? lol



"I love you in a place where there's no space or time..
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you"


See...I remember all kinds of things..

I love you Dad. Miss you always...and then some.

JenJen

xxxxx

Dark days...

I never did like May.. it's too expensive for a start..lol . There are lots of birthdays in May, lots of family members, lots of friends.. wedding anniversaries etc..

I have problems with May for my own reasons, it's not a good month for me.. it's tinged with pain and sadness and haunted with memories of those that are lost that shouldn't be...

Well a few days ago I heard a friend was suffering her own loss...her friend passed quite suddenly from complications of an illness that they had in common. The loss of a friend is so hard to bear... and especially difficult when that friend is not "old enough" to be lost. So to my old friend Lou I offer my most sincere sympathies for the loss of your friend, Charlie. I'll be keeping you both (and Charlie's family) in my thoughts.

It reminded me of my own sadness (as if I need reminding) of what is to come. Next week will be the 2 year anniversary of the death of my father who was 57 at the time and also way too young to leave us.. I have dark days to come.. anniversaries bring a different kind of sadness.. a reminder of what might have been... of what should have been.

We should have been celebrating big things this year.. I'm 35 in a few weeks.. Richard will be 40 in August (how the hell did THAT happen??), we will be celebrating being married for TEN YEARS (!! o_O ) in June and in September my Dad would have been 60.. a few milestones worthy of a few parties indeed.
Instead what we're left with is 2 big birthdays and an impressive (these days..) anniversary with a big Peter shaped hole in them.. and a day in September that I'll climb into a big hole to avoid no doubt.

and yet in some ways still I feel lucky because things may have been very very different..

On this day (11th) in May 1985 a terrible thing happened in my home town. The main stand in the ground at Valley Parade, home of Bradford Football Club caught fire. 11076 fans were in attendance that day and my Dad and little brother (7 at the time) were 2 of them.

Over 3000 were in the stand, thankfully most got out alive but 56 were not so lucky and lost their lives and 100's more were horrifically injured both physically and mentally.

My Dad and brother were very very lucky and got out quickly and safely. I'm not sure what my kid brother remembers.. thankfully I don't think its much - if anything but I'll never forget my Dad's face, blackened from smoke and shaken with fear.. or the relief on my mum's as both of them realised the enormity of what had occured.. I'm sure my Mum will remember it well.. she might even make a post!!

He never mentioned it but I know it affected him... quite strongly too. It affected a lot of people here in Bradford and today, 25 years after that fateful day the people that lost their lives were remembered in a memorial service in the city centre.

So why do I feel lucky?? Well.. 25 years ago if my Dad had been able to get the seats he wanted that day he and my brother would have been right there in the middle of it and maybe they wouldn't have been so lucky.. I got to keep my Dad for another 23 years longer than some people who's Dad's went to a football match one Saturday afternoon in May 1985...

For the 56 that were lost and the countless others that were injured on 11th May 1985...25 years on, we remember you. Rest in peace, you may be gone but you will never
be forgotten.

Smile

I haven't felt like smiling in a long while now.. I do, because well.. you just do don't you? You see a friend across the street and flash them a smile and a wave or a child says something funny and you laugh and with it comes a smile.. everyone does that... what I mean is a real smile, a spontaneous smile that comes from deep within and warms you from the inside out.

They're few and far between, moments that make a girl smile like there is nothing can dampen her day that is.. infact you could probably tag them to the defining moments of your life.

One day in class..ooooh..I don't know, a whole lot of years ago lol... Our teacher (Mr Parkes) gave us all a big poster-sized piece of paper and a pen and told us to write our names on them. He then went round and wrote a comment at the top of everyone's paper and folded it over so the next person couldn't read it and then the rest of us kids hads to go and write comments for each class member and fold it over etc etc. They were supposed to be nice things that you liked about the person and all of mine were about me smiling... Mr P's comment was "Keep smiling Jennie, it lights up your face.", someone else wrote "always a smile for everyone", "Smiley Jen" etc etc etc and the list went on.. I think I still have it somewhere in my box of school stuff.. I hope I do.

All these things I'd forgotten about until the other day when I finally decided to go through that box of Dad's personal papers thats been sitting patiently waiting for me to look at when I feel ready and strong enough to cope.

At first I laughed as I realised what silly things people hold onto as keepsakes.. birthday cards with funny messages in them, newspaper clippings.. baby announcements etc..
Then came the sadness as a life's work became clear, school reports, engineering certificates, and the photos.. baby photos, wedding photos, grandchildren.. all kinds of things in this big box.. all things that are nice to have but why do we keep them? What does it do for us?

Its almost 2 years since my Dad died and still he hasn't left... I'm still finding pieces of his life, discovering new things in the bottom of boxes and I am constantly surprised at how much stuff came out of that little house... I worry it might fall down now without all this stuff in it for the walls to lean on..lol. It seems that my Dad, like his own mother.. kept EVERYTHING.

So there I am pulling stuff out of the box.. laughing at some, crying at others and affectionately cursing my father 'the horder' for me having to sit and go through it all..and then, right at the bottom of the box is a piece of paper covered in that familiar Dad-like scrawl... I think I only noticed because of the handwriting.. because this was a box of cards and photo's and certificates not letters... but there I can see just a corner and 2 words and those words were "Jennie" and "smile".

As I pulled it out and started reading the tears came.. not just a few but hundreds, running down my face as I realised what I'd found were the notes Dad made for his speech for my wedding.

My Dad was a great public speaker. He wrote fantastic speeches (not only for himself but for politicians in his time too.. he'd helped me write more than my share of school project speeches too) and one of the things that people remember from that great piss-up that was the Savage Wedding of June 2000 was my Dad's speech and how he made me cry with his opening line... and so I'd like to share, I know some of you will have heard it before from the man himself and some not.. so here goes..

"Father of the Bride, I have been called many things in my time but this is a first and a pleasurable admission...

In the interests of my health this will be brief. However, despite being such a shy and retiring lad, I still want to say something about these two here today.

Jennie - the enigma which is thee...
Jennie - the child who smiles with her eyes
Jennie - the one who exudes so much love and breathes happiness into anyone who falls within her gaze...

and Richard, hereafter to be known as "Braveheart", what a man - courage indeed...

It isnt for me to offer either or both of you any kind of advice. In fact, in common with the rest of the world's population I'm totally unqualified in such matters.

However, minor technicalities like that have never stopped any of us before and they aren't going to stop me now!

I spoke of Jennie and mentioned her smile... Well she does, she's certainly made me laugh a time or two anyway.

I think of a smile from anyone big or small, young or old as a ray of sunshine and in its own right it is to be cherished and indeed nurtured for what it is and what it means and what it brings.

Keep her smiling Richard and you'll be doing alright. If she stops - duck. But then with the grace and speed that you move I can see that you have clearly experienced what I'm talking about!!

Enough then, except to go full circle and say..

"Father of the Bride" - yes.. the feeling of pride is quite indescribable.. So before it drifts to an end, with my blessing Richard love her and you will feel the full force of her love - and that is something you will never want to be without.

I wish you both all the happiness that life can bring, enjoy it!!"

- Peter Smith, June 24th 2000.



My Dad was a very affectionate man, especially towards me. There is no doubt in my mind that he adored me and this piece of paper reaffirmed that in my mind the other day and so today, I am smiling, just for him...

Greatly Missed

A Fathers touch, A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter, You're greatly missed.

An empty house, An empty chair,
A fathers love, No longer there.

A broken heart, Tear filled eye,
Another soul to fill the sky.

Many memories in my mind,
Some I laugh, Some I cry.

The times we shared, The laughs we had,
Things I miss when I think of you Dad.

Realizing that's all I have to hold on too,
Only memories, Of what once was you.

Missing your laugh, I will never again hear.
That is the reality that fills me with so much fear.

No more smile on your face,
No more warmth of your embrace.

The last hug, The last kiss,
The last "goodbye" leaves me with one last wish...

To have you Dad, here today,
Never to leave your Daughter this way.

A Father's touch, A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter, you're greatly missed.

- Amy Richards.