Dear Dad...
Another 12 months have passed...again..
They go so quickly these days.. I don't know where the time goes.. one minute its Monday morning and I'm prising my eyes open and dragging myself out of bed for work and the next its Friday and I'm sticking the school uniform back in the wash again... its all happening in a blink.. we wish it away... all week long waiting for Friday.. all month waiting for pay day.. all year waiting for...whatever.. waiting.. always waiting and never getting to where we're going.. weird.
But then there's a moment where it all aligns and comes together briefly and something happens.. and I want to call and tell you and I cant.. I make a mental note to get out the laptop and write and then I get distracted by something and I never write.. and I always said I would always write to you when I needed to... so why dont I? I come here faithfully twice a year, today and your birthday and yet there are many other times when I want to talk to you and I have much to tell you.. I should make more time for this.. I should make more time to read books.. I should take more time to sew.. to drive.. to research our tree.. to write.. to sing.. to laugh.. to enjoy..
Am I in midlife crisis mode? Is this what its like? Oh I have so many questions for you!!! Not that I think you had a midlife crisis... you were the most dependable person I ever met.. lol.. i dont know.. where was I going with this?
Sometimes when I come to talk to you theres not much has changed.. not this time though.. this time there is much going on...
I lost my beloved Lily.. my baby girl.. my shadow.. I missed her so much I couldnt breathe...I didnt realise how much until I discovered the reason for my fidgety-ness (making up words again...sorry) and my anxiety etc was that I missed the tapping..
I know you know where I am with this.. the tapping.. the sound of her claws on the laminate floor behind me wherever I went.. the soothing sound of her purr.. that sound of 'company'... she'd been my shadow for 16 years.. always there, waiting for my attention.. it was hard.I said I couldnt have another.. I refused to think about it.. to entertain it..
I lasted 5 months.
This is Jango... look at him!! he's smaller than the tv remote!!!
He was born 22 October 2015 and arrived with us on 21 December.. best Xmas ever.. well it was until I had to spend £250 to take him to vets on xmas day with a runny bum.. but enough about that...look!!!
Admit it.. you melted didnt you?? I did,,
He gave me something I needed.. I adore him and he adores me.. I have a new shadow without replacing the old one.. and ok he's named after a Star Wars bounty hunter but thats ok!!
He brings me joy.. he makes me smile and I love something again.. something new.. and that cant be bad can it??
want to see another?? oh ok then....
He has your eyebrow...hahaha
of course he's a little toe rag and he's eaten a chunk out of the wall and likes eating paper.. amongst other things..
but still I adore him...
He's my little boy already..might have to get him a friend!!
I know what you're going to say... shush.. I have lots of space.. I just bought a house.
mmmhmmm.. be proud.. its only taken 8 years to spend your money but I've done it..
I pick up the keys on Monday.. thank you.. I'd never have saved the deposit..
Fran and Rosie are 18.. Shona is 21.. its been a busy week for milestones.
Jake discovered girls... Heather and Angelina are about to move into separate bedrooms and they start high school this year... which is terrifying to me..
its all boys, periods, spots, make up, tantrums and shoes... It hurts my head..
I wish we could go back and have another go.. I feel like theres so much I havent told them.. so many things still to teach them.. I feel like I've missed so much whilst I've been wallowing in my misery..
Maybe this new house will bring a new start.. I hope it does.. I really do.. I'm so tired Dad.. it's so hard to keep afloat some times...
I'm totally 40.. and sliding towards 41 at an alarmingly fast pace! I need to do something fantastic before its too late.. new job maybe? who knows..we'll see I guess..
Watch this space..
I love you Dad.. that never changes.. I never see the day out without a thought for you..
I think I'll miss you forever.
J
xx
