Dear Dad...

How's the weather up there on your big hill??

It's here again... that day.. I want to say "hateful day" but how can it be the fault of a day? That doesn't make sense... So I change it to read "hurtful" day but the day itself is not hurtful.. indeed its been a beautiful day so far, the sun woke me at the crack of sparrows fart shining softly through the curtains as the birds sang a happy tune... a beautiful morning in May, a morning you would have loved I'm sure.. so "hurtful" isn't the word either..

So I settled on "hurt-filled" I believe.. for that is how I think of today.. filled with hurt and sadness.. as last year and the year before.

Yes.. we're 2 years in.. it doesn't feel any different, it doesn't hurt any less and for that I feel pity.. pity for all who are to find themselves here where I sit.. in my "shoes" so to speak (although you know I'm not wearing any cos you used to always tell me to put some slippers on..lol) in years to come.

They who said it would end were wrong. They who comforted with words of "it gets easier" were kindly hiding the truth at a time when the truth needs to be hidden...

It doesn't end and it doesn't get easier and I can't imagine it ever will. Somethings in life are just wrong, somethings are just unfair and some people are just unlucky..

There is something to be said for the realisation of this - its actually quite liberating in a way. I guess I finally grew up lol.. yeah yeah I know.. its about bloody time right??

ok ok enough with the philosophising... here's what you want to know right?

well... it's been a while now, your grandson is at least a foot taller and is mouthier than ever... but he's so soft and gentle with it too.. I've recently been unwell (don't worry its only tonsillitis I'm not coming up there just yet..lol) and he's been taking care of me.. yes.. apparently what I really need is lots and lots of watching him play video games, copious amounts of his favourite ice cream (I'm allowed one too occasionally) and absolutely ZERO homework for at least 2 weeks... if all this happens I'll be juuuuuuuuuuust fine apparently..lol

He's doing ok.. he avoids schoolwork as often as possible and plays out as much and as late as possible and is generally a proper boy.. he even farts on my leg and invites me to "smmmmell iiiiiiiit!!!!!" .. ahhhh he'd make you soooooooo proud..lol. At the moment he's gearing up for his first world cup tournament (well its actually his second but he was a bit little to remember the last one) and he's got his little panini sticker book and he's spending all my money on stickers.. yeah.. so I'm sick AND skint.. this week is GREAT.

Heather and Angelina are doing brilliantly at school.. Heather is scarily advanced with her reading.. she's reading books on a higher level than some of the kids in Jake's class.. he's convinced she'll catch him up eventually.. she probably will..lol
She's still a Princess.. still wants to be a butterfly - loves all things pink and is currently obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.. yes I blame you for this, you bought the dvd. lol. She sings constantly and reads everything and sings everything she's reading.. lol it's funny. she's a joy to be near actually..

Angelina is in some ways similar (the singing) and in others a polar opposite.. not at all shy she's got a mouth bigger than mine and an attitude to match.. ohhh how much fun will I have when they hit their teens? She's hilariously funny.. she says what she thinks and if you don't like it?? well tough..and yet it's all front and bravado and she likes a nice cuddle as much as anyone.. of course she'd get many more if she'd just shut up for a second!!!! lol They're all mad...

As for the rest of us we're all still here.. Fran and Rosie got big!! and James is the tallest person in the world I'm sure.. Simon is still.. Simon lol and Phil is himself as ever.. lol Shona is smart.. which is good cos she's gonna need to be to go do all that marine biology stuff she wants to do and Zakk is like a mini version of Phil.. right down to the grunt bless him.. Little Albie is so gorgeous.. I wish you could see him..what am I thinking.. I'm sure you probably have..lol

I am 2 years (yes count them 1...2.. T-W-O!!) into my no smoking thing.. can't believe it myself and this year will be celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary.. can't believe it!! SOOOOOOO I went out and you bought me a present... cos I'm 35 this year too.. yeah you bought me a car (thank you very much btw) I still can't drive the damn thing but it sure looks pretty on my driveway...lol. I really should correct that.. I CAN drive it.. just not when there's an examiner sat next to me it appears... I know I know.. I'm trying.. I CAN... I WILL... I MUST.... I think i just lost my nerve a little.. I'll get it back.

And so the world still turns and long summer days loom once more...More memories to make, only this time I'm the grown up behind the camera, taking the photos and not the subject standing sulkily in them lol.. remember this?




I did smile sometimes too though...lol



There are days Dad, when all I seem to do is miss you, sometimes I smile and others I cry.. and I think I'm finally accepting that this is the norm now.. but that's ok too.. I know I like the fact that I still think of you everyday.. I don't want to forget.. not that I ever could forget this face?? lol



"I love you in a place where there's no space or time..
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you"


See...I remember all kinds of things..

I love you Dad. Miss you always...and then some.

JenJen

xxxxx

Dark days...

I never did like May.. it's too expensive for a start..lol . There are lots of birthdays in May, lots of family members, lots of friends.. wedding anniversaries etc..

I have problems with May for my own reasons, it's not a good month for me.. it's tinged with pain and sadness and haunted with memories of those that are lost that shouldn't be...

Well a few days ago I heard a friend was suffering her own loss...her friend passed quite suddenly from complications of an illness that they had in common. The loss of a friend is so hard to bear... and especially difficult when that friend is not "old enough" to be lost. So to my old friend Lou I offer my most sincere sympathies for the loss of your friend, Charlie. I'll be keeping you both (and Charlie's family) in my thoughts.

It reminded me of my own sadness (as if I need reminding) of what is to come. Next week will be the 2 year anniversary of the death of my father who was 57 at the time and also way too young to leave us.. I have dark days to come.. anniversaries bring a different kind of sadness.. a reminder of what might have been... of what should have been.

We should have been celebrating big things this year.. I'm 35 in a few weeks.. Richard will be 40 in August (how the hell did THAT happen??), we will be celebrating being married for TEN YEARS (!! o_O ) in June and in September my Dad would have been 60.. a few milestones worthy of a few parties indeed.
Instead what we're left with is 2 big birthdays and an impressive (these days..) anniversary with a big Peter shaped hole in them.. and a day in September that I'll climb into a big hole to avoid no doubt.

and yet in some ways still I feel lucky because things may have been very very different..

On this day (11th) in May 1985 a terrible thing happened in my home town. The main stand in the ground at Valley Parade, home of Bradford Football Club caught fire. 11076 fans were in attendance that day and my Dad and little brother (7 at the time) were 2 of them.

Over 3000 were in the stand, thankfully most got out alive but 56 were not so lucky and lost their lives and 100's more were horrifically injured both physically and mentally.

My Dad and brother were very very lucky and got out quickly and safely. I'm not sure what my kid brother remembers.. thankfully I don't think its much - if anything but I'll never forget my Dad's face, blackened from smoke and shaken with fear.. or the relief on my mum's as both of them realised the enormity of what had occured.. I'm sure my Mum will remember it well.. she might even make a post!!

He never mentioned it but I know it affected him... quite strongly too. It affected a lot of people here in Bradford and today, 25 years after that fateful day the people that lost their lives were remembered in a memorial service in the city centre.

So why do I feel lucky?? Well.. 25 years ago if my Dad had been able to get the seats he wanted that day he and my brother would have been right there in the middle of it and maybe they wouldn't have been so lucky.. I got to keep my Dad for another 23 years longer than some people who's Dad's went to a football match one Saturday afternoon in May 1985...

For the 56 that were lost and the countless others that were injured on 11th May 1985...25 years on, we remember you. Rest in peace, you may be gone but you will never
be forgotten.

"We're off to see the Wizard!!!"

Bloody Andrew Lloyd Webber has a lot to answer for these days..

Our house has been all about Dorothy lately... and all because of this..


Hmmm.. yes, his search for a new Dorothy to star in the West End stage version of the Wizard of Oz at the London Palladium this summer.

(For my friends abroad you can find out all about it by clicking this here linky-poo -----> BBC's "Dorothy".)

So.. my daughter's love it, like all little girls of this age musical's are THE thing of the moment and Dorothy is the dog's dangly bits.. basically.

EVERY Saturday evening we don our PJ's and sit down to watch... well ... Doctor Who actually but AFTER that we continue with Auntie Beeb for the evening and squeal with delight as our favourite "friend of Dorothy" ;) the one and only Graham Norton introduces the remaining girls that are vying for the prestigious prize of being her, in the new production penned by our most excellent show tune writer Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.. (is he a Lord or a Baron? or a Sir?? Ooh.. I dunno actually.. I seem to remember Norton calling him Lord so thats what I'm going with..lol).

Last week we even had floods of tears from Heather when her favourite Dorothy-to-be was voted off the show.. it took her days to get over it bless her.. and this week we lose two more and will be down to just 4 girls left.. goodness knows what will happen when they actually choose a new Dorothy and the show finishes.. all hell will break loose I think..

Lord Andrew is a bit of a national treasure these days.. writing many of the great musicals such as "Phantom of the Opera", "Evita", "Joseph and his funny-coloured coat-thingy" (and many more!! LOL) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he's becoming a bit of a pain in my arse now.

I mean really.. I changed my name to "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" the other day (if you're on my facebook friends list you'll have seen my status change) which was great cos the kids couldn't say it and then Jessica (who wants to be Dorothy) sang that very song on Saturdays show and now they can all say it and I need a new name again.. how rude.

Both children want Dorothy dresses, Toto dogs, flying houses, a scarecrow, a tin man and a pet lion each, an emerald city AND ruby-encrusted slippers for Christmas which quite frankly will cost me a small fortune and not only that but we have had to sit through the Judy Garland version today and I suspect will probably have to watch it everyday now until something new takes its place.. and if I hear "Somewhere over the Rainbow" sung by a very pretty but slightly out of tune Heather once more I might cry.. for real too.

So.. MR Lloyd Webber (a Lord can't cut off my head for giving him lip can he?) I'm a bit bloody fed up now and I think you should furnish my 5 year olds with all the above presents and some tickets to opening night would be nice too hahahah... what??? if you don't ask, you don't get do you??

and in exchange I will provide the amended script as written by my youngest child - Angelina.

For as we were sitting today, watching the film it occured to her that the cowardly lion was not such a coward after all and was infact just a bit hungry.. and she told her "still-giggling-like-a-schoolgirl" father all about it...

ACT 'Something', SCENE 'whatever'

Mummy and girls watching movie.. enter Daddy, sits next to Angelina

Daddy: "Ooh.. are we watching Wizard of Oz?"

Heather: "Yeah it's brilliant!"

Daddy: "What's happening then?"

Angelina: "Well... the scarecrow thingy wants a brain and the tin-man wants a heart.. that girl there, she wants to go home and the Lion wants some porridge."

Daddy (stifling the giggles): "Some porridge? Are you sure?? Like Ready Brek?"

Angelina: "Yeeeeeeeeeep!"


So Andrew...I think this will fit in perfectly to the story... don't you? I await your response.

xx

P.S. Those ruby-encrusted slippers... do they come in a UK size 6 too??? ;)