64...

Still need you.. 

Happy 64th Birthday Dad.

Love you.

xx

oopsie.

Rubbish rubbish rubbish am I.

remember this post where I said I was going to try really hard to write more often??  yeah that was May last YEAR.. I think I wrote about 3 more posts (and probably all in May) after that.

Epic fail on my part.

Anyhoo.. I'm here again, I'm so busy these days I seem to have little or no time to sit and watch the world go by and so the things that I would once have taken great pleasure in writing about seem to pass me by in a blur of work, cleaning, laundry, school, kids etc..

That and the fact that I HATE winter.  I almost hibernate at that time of year.. its not fun..I dont like being cold.. I dont like being wet and miserable.. I'm a summer child.. sunshine, warmth, the feeling of sand between my toes..all necessary to make a girl like me smile... and LIGHT!  I hate dark mornings and evenings.. I like to get up in the light I dont want to go to work in the dark and come home in the dark.. I need daylight ffs!!

ok rant over.. so what have we missed.. aaaahhh well... much actually.

we had our annual trip to that favourite place... pics and official holiday post to follow...

we had a win for the boy and his homegrown apples at the Horticultural Society's Annual Show.. and he entered them in the grown ups category so it was an absolute STAR win..lol there were some very unhappy professional apple growing type people not smiling that day..

we had birthdays... September hit me hard.. :(

and then Jake started high school.... look!!!

How grown up does he look now???  its not funny, its scary... and only a few weeks later he turned 12 and his sisters 9.. 

Mind you they're not so small these days themselves...and they're still growing! eep!

Since then we had Xmas.. how expensive is that these days?  The bigger they get the more money they cost!!  Its seriously not on..

and its really been round after round of school/work/dance lessons... YES!!  my girlies love to dance look see...

^^ that was their first performance at the Eccleshill Summer Fayre - which they LOVED and so did we..

then as a reward for such a brilliant performance they had a party!!  Who wants to see how grown up they look in their party dresses???

Think I might need to get me a big stick for beating boys away from the door....


So Jake learned to make "stuff" at school...by this I mean cooking.. of a fashion anyway, he came home from his first cookery lesson very excited.. he'd made "soup-a-cup".

Yes.  He meant cup-a-soup.

Cookery lessons at high school... cup-a-soup.. really stretching them arent they?

anyway the following few weeks he made coleslaw, bread and butter pudding and beans on toast... so he wont starve right??  only yes he will.. cos he doesnt like any of them.. except maybe the soup..lol

the he threw me a total curve ball and brought home this..

looks fab doesnt it?  so he may still starve but man can that boy dress a salad!!!

he's not so keen on the washing up though...

and so we're almost full circle.. school is out for summer, we've just been on the annual trip to our beloved Scarbados and I'm mentally preparing the blog and trying to decide how to include the mass of pictures we took AGAIN this year.. promise i wont post all 524 right here...hehehe 

watch this space....

6.

Dear Dad..

It's been six years.  Six years since I last saw your face.  Six years since I heard your voice.  Six years since I waved goodbye...  Six years.

When I was six the world seemed huge... Actually my world was you... Something's never change it seems..

Six years doesn't seem too long when you just say it out loud like that but when I lay awake thinking of the last six years and the things that you've missed.. well, it seems like forever..

Ok.. ready for the yearly round up??  Let's go...

Jake started high school... :(  that little chubby, gurgling baby is now a skinny, long haired, mouthy little bugger with a cheeky grin and a shed load of freckles - which if you ask me, just add to his natural charm! He's smart.. although he doesn't care to apply himself.. he's funny... and usually at my expense!  He's artistic and sensitive and kind and caring and awww.. he's just ....lovely.   Even if he does like to wear the same undies every day and despite of his ridiculous sock ocd issues.. I *think* he'll turn out just fine.. I think.. haha.
His teachers think he's fabulous, he likes high school better than primary and thats not just because of the girls, he assures me anyway..
I love him so much, he's so funny.. and I know you would too.

Heather is special.. a little shyer than Angelina but still a force to be reckoned with, she knows her own mind and she wont be swayed when she's made her decision.. she's still smart.. I think she's smarter than me already!  She loves school and dancing!! Thats their new thing.. the dancing classes.. they love it.
She won a competition to create a poster for the Bradford Aquatics group and as her prize she won swimming lessons which I know she'll love.. she wanted to be a mermaid remember?  Well this will be about as near as she gets..she makes me smile..actually she makes my heart sing sometimes..

Angelina is a little social butterfly.. far more interested in chatting than working.. and why not?  work is dull and she's still only young after all.. she's challenging right now, theres a battle of wills going on between us and she and I both know she's not allowed to win but shes trying hard anyway.. got to give her credit for trying and persistence too!  I know that whilst we may butt heads a lot right now we'll be fab friends eventually and I can always laugh when she produces her first mini me and she's just like her.. like you bloody giggled at me..  anyway, in the meantime I see her good qualities, she has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone, she's kind and caring and helpful and she's better at tidying up than Heather which to be honest, is a good thing because if Heather had her own room she'd have got lost in the mess of it by now...

James grew up...Fran and Rosie are 16 and stunning young ladies..Albie is SO cute!! Shona has green hair.. yes, green... Zakk grows ever more like his father, Livvi is still a beautiful little Princess with attitude to match!! None of this Prince Charming rubbish.. she's far too independant for that... and Halen.. oh little Halen, how fab is he? he's such a little belter.. I know when they're little like that they all are and I know its because he's the last of them all now but he's just so cute.. I cant help being a bit soft for him..

Tracey bought a soap shop.. Sarah went to America for a few months to see how the other half of the permaculture world live!  Mel moved house.. Simon and Cam are blissfully happy and Phil drives a big wagon now!! Rich still loves his guitars..and me? well...

But thats not to be.. for now.

I'm an official Teaching Assistant..I got my Permanent contract last month.  I work in Reception with the 4/5 years olds.. 60 of them, its noisy.

I work, I clean, I wash and dry and iron, I take to and pick up from afterschool clubs/dancing class/dentist etc..

I'm still here... I'm almost 39.  I'm coping... I think.

I wish I could go back to being 6..

Sometimes I still lay awake at night and think of all the things we did.. and all those things we didnt do too.. 

Theres a relief sometimes that you'll never grow old or worse, helpless.. there will never be that indignity of an illness or the worry of what to do if you were ill.. or how I might manage to take care of you.. and then I get angry that I wont be able to take care of you because I want to... and I get angry that i'll never see your face change into that of an old man.. or i get mad when i hear people whinging about getting old because I know you havent had that luxury..

I still worry that my children will have this to come, this stomach churning ache that is never appeased..the yearning for what was that can never be quieted.  This loss.. this grief.. this pain.. 

I know life is for living and we must move on and say goodbye.. but I dont want to say goodbye... and so I dont.

I think this is why I still write these letters - even though they're all the same and they're pretty much the only time I write these days, I still hang on to them.. as if you can hear them.. I wonder if you can?

If you could then I'd tell you I love you, and I'm angry that you're not here... and then I'd probably ask your advice on how to stop the 12 year old from getting into fights every time he leaves the house!! wth is that about??

I'd tell you I miss you, still.. like I said before.. I think I will miss you always.. 

I know I didnt make the trip, i'm sorry.. I wasnt strong enough.  I'll try again soon..

In the meantime I have to share this.. It was on the tv the other day.. I know you'll remember it.. 

until the next time,

love you always

J 

xx