Dear Dad..
It's been six years. Six years since I last saw your face. Six years since I heard your voice. Six years since I waved goodbye... Six years.
When I was six the world seemed huge... Actually my world was you... Something's never change it seems..
Six years doesn't seem too long when you just say it out loud like that but when I lay awake thinking of the last six years and the things that you've missed.. well, it seems like forever..
Ok.. ready for the yearly round up?? Let's go...
Jake started high school... :( that little chubby, gurgling baby is now a skinny, long haired, mouthy little bugger with a cheeky grin and a shed load of freckles - which if you ask me, just add to his natural charm! He's smart.. although he doesn't care to apply himself.. he's funny... and usually at my expense! He's artistic and sensitive and kind and caring and awww.. he's just ....lovely. Even if he does like to wear the same undies every day and despite of his ridiculous sock ocd issues.. I *think* he'll turn out just fine.. I think.. haha.
His teachers think he's fabulous, he likes high school better than primary and thats not just because of the girls, he assures me anyway..
I love him so much, he's so funny.. and I know you would too.
Heather is special.. a little shyer than Angelina but still a force to be reckoned with, she knows her own mind and she wont be swayed when she's made her decision.. she's still smart.. I think she's smarter than me already! She loves school and dancing!! Thats their new thing.. the dancing classes.. they love it.
She won a competition to create a poster for the Bradford Aquatics group and as her prize she won swimming lessons which I know she'll love.. she wanted to be a mermaid remember? Well this will be about as near as she gets..she makes me smile..actually she makes my heart sing sometimes..
Angelina is a little social butterfly.. far more interested in chatting than working.. and why not? work is dull and she's still only young after all.. she's challenging right now, theres a battle of wills going on between us and she and I both know she's not allowed to win but shes trying hard anyway.. got to give her credit for trying and persistence too! I know that whilst we may butt heads a lot right now we'll be fab friends eventually and I can always laugh when she produces her first mini me and she's just like her.. like you bloody giggled at me.. anyway, in the meantime I see her good qualities, she has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone, she's kind and caring and helpful and she's better at tidying up than Heather which to be honest, is a good thing because if Heather had her own room she'd have got lost in the mess of it by now...
James grew up...Fran and Rosie are 16 and stunning young ladies..Albie is SO cute!! Shona has green hair.. yes, green... Zakk grows ever more like his father, Livvi is still a beautiful little Princess with attitude to match!! None of this Prince Charming rubbish.. she's far too independant for that... and Halen.. oh little Halen, how fab is he? he's such a little belter.. I know when they're little like that they all are and I know its because he's the last of them all now but he's just so cute.. I cant help being a bit soft for him..
Tracey bought a soap shop.. Sarah went to America for a few months to see how the other half of the permaculture world live! Mel moved house.. Simon and Cam are blissfully happy and Phil drives a big wagon now!! Rich still loves his guitars..and me? well...
But thats not to be.. for now.
I'm an official Teaching Assistant..I got my Permanent contract last month. I work in Reception with the 4/5 years olds.. 60 of them, its noisy.
I work, I clean, I wash and dry and iron, I take to and pick up from afterschool clubs/dancing class/dentist etc..
I'm still here... I'm almost 39. I'm coping... I think.
I wish I could go back to being 6..
Sometimes I still lay awake at night and think of all the things we did.. and all those things we didnt do too..
Theres a relief sometimes that you'll never grow old or worse, helpless.. there will never be that indignity of an illness or the worry of what to do if you were ill.. or how I might manage to take care of you.. and then I get angry that I wont be able to take care of you because I want to... and I get angry that i'll never see your face change into that of an old man.. or i get mad when i hear people whinging about getting old because I know you havent had that luxury..
I still worry that my children will have this to come, this stomach churning ache that is never appeased..the yearning for what was that can never be quieted. This loss.. this grief.. this pain..
I know life is for living and we must move on and say goodbye.. but I dont want to say goodbye... and so I dont.
I think this is why I still write these letters - even though they're all the same and they're pretty much the only time I write these days, I still hang on to them.. as if you can hear them.. I wonder if you can?
If you could then I'd tell you I love you, and I'm angry that you're not here... and then I'd probably ask your advice on how to stop the 12 year old from getting into fights every time he leaves the house!! wth is that about??
I'd tell you I miss you, still.. like I said before.. I think I will miss you always..
I know I didnt make the trip, i'm sorry.. I wasnt strong enough. I'll try again soon..
In the meantime I have to share this.. It was on the tv the other day.. I know you'll remember it..
until the next time,
love you always
J
xx
