Dear Dad,
I woke up this morning with nothing..
not literally nothing in the sense of n-o-t-h-i-n-g.. of course, I still have things..lol I meant nothing in a "I have no idea what I'm going to write to you today Dad.. we're winging it once more I'm afraid!!" kind of way..
and then there it was.. on his facebook page, Phil had posted this..
"There isn't a day that goes by where I dont, at some point, think of you.."
and I cried.
You see.. I thought that it was only me that felt this way.. I thought that only I thought of you every single day..
I thought that I was alone in still feeling it like this..
Which is, if you think about it.. completely ridiculous and not at all realistic and in fact.. the most stupid thought I ever had...
You see.. I thought that he.. Phil that is.. had dealt with his issues surrounding your departure and was in control of his grief and his thoughts (and Simon too..) but it seems that might not be the case..for as he says, he too still thinks of you at least once.. every single day.
Its not that I thought it had hit me harder.. or I felt it more in some way. What I thought that I wasn't coping as well as the others and that I should be coping better.. I know Phil saw someone to help with his pain after.. and I know he said it helped and so I figured I was just taking longer or was jsut crap at controlling my emotions in a "I cant help it.. i'm a girl" sort of way..
but I'm not.. fact is,. we all just miss you - still.
Its actually quite comforting to know that its not just me thats a bit shit..lol and it also tells me you were some kind of wonderful because I thought about you every single day for the last 7 years... and so did Phil. I bet if I asked Simon,, he'd say he did too.. not that I would want to be responsible for confirming you were Mr Perfect and thus making your head swell so much that they will need to make space for it somewhere in the Heavens.. (you were though)..
So there you have it.. I had nothing and then there it was.. an epiphany.. just like that.
So what else is there to know?? Well your niece had a baby 2 days ago which she named after your father.. Fran and Rosey are 17.. Albie is just back from America again.. Simon is still living in common law bliss.. Phil isnt having so much fun right now, but I'll keep his head above water until he can get through..
As for us?? We went to LONDON and it was fab! Kids had so much fun we're going again to see everything we didnt see the first time!
Jake is a moaning teenager today.. he's not usually this grumpy.. he must be having an off day.. he's doing well at school.. he absolutely loves History (wonder where he gets that from?) and he's currently making it difficult for me to buy a house anywhere except this bloody village I seem to be perpetually stuck in because he likes his school so much and hates change with such a passion he doesn't want to leave.. this does not please me as I'm fed up of it here and want to move to Scarborough!! (yes really!!) but he's having none of it.. so thats that.
Your Grandaughters are little mermaids!! Turns out they love swimming and have cost me a fortune in extra lesson.. who knew? Still dancing and singing away they're beautiful.. but very different.. both still smartie pants but one loves One Direction and one loves a bit of heavy rock... (apples falling far from trees anyone??) they're all long hair and eyelashes.. you'd love them.
Me.. well I'm on the edge of 40.. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this or where to go with it but I think there's a midlife crisis on the horizon and changes are coming.. I cant continue with this path and I know this now..
Maybe I need a change.. maybe it will be a haircut.. or a new job.. new house.. new car? I dont know.. we'll see.
I need to find something to give me a love for my life again.. I was thinking of coming back to writing.. I think I used to be quite good at it.. what do you think? Can I do it? I know you'll find a way to let me know..
Yes.. I see you.. not all the time and not in the way I would like to but I see.. and I hear..
I hear you in the car.. the song on the radio.. the wind in my face..the messages... the Guinea Pig called "Peter" at the farm today.. the question about John Denver on that quiz show and the answer of "Sunshine on my shoulders"... see? I feel you too.. I know.
Don't stop.
Love you forever.
Jen Jen
xx
I lost my shadow today...
