Dear Dad...
I started this letter days ago.. I figured if I began early, well in advance of the day it might give me the chance to work my way up to it slowly.. prepare myself in some way as if it might almost make it easier to bear this year...but it didn't.. and truth be told, I only really got as far as "Dear Dad" and then I stopped.. blank... and I'm not quite sure why cos it's been another eventful year and I have much to share with you so why I've struggled to write this time I don't know.
I think its because this is year 3. People expect you to have returned to a somewhat normal life by now.. I read an article recently where a woman was at the three-year marker in her grief for her daughter that had passed and she wrote that..
"Bob Deits, in his book, "Life After Loss," describes mourning as a test of endurance. "It takes a long time to work through the various phrases of recovery," he explains. According to Deits, the two year marker, or milestone, as he calls it, requires self patience. We expect normalcy because we survived the first year. "The second year proves how lonely it can be to make it without the one you lost."
But few grief experts have written about the three year marker and it is also significant. A friend called me about this marker. "Three years have passed since my husband died," she said. "It's still hard." I understand her feelings because I almost feel like I am starting my grief journey anew." *
and I have to say its true. I knew it was coming but I still tried to ignore the day, I buried my head in the busy, noisy life I lead these days and just didn't think about it and then I woke up yesterday morning feeling like a train had hit me and even though I tried to get on with my day and took the kids to school etc I still came home and sunk to my knees and sat on the floor for an hour staring into space.. as you do y'know.. no reason lol.
So still I find I'm no closer to dealing with it. The first anniversary I braced myself for & tackled it head on, the second I allowed to sneak up on me and this year I ignored it and still... still it hurts the same as it did last year and the year before and the year before.. hmmm.. I'm running out of ways to cope with it now.. wonder what I'll do next year? lol
Sod it..I'll think of something...but for now... news.
Zakk's got chickenpox.. I'm reliably informed he looks like one big spot poor lad.. and I had to giggle because I remember when my 3 got it and he got away with a patch of about 6 spots on his shoulder and Tracey was rubbing it in.. heh, she's not laughing now..
Anyway, he's not very impressed.. but Tracey says the calamine lotion is proving to be a great source of entertainment.. I think the words were "Ooh!! its a bit cold on my testicles Mummy!!!!"
Talking of Zakk you would be most proud.. he was the team mascot for Bradford City the other week.. he goes regularly with Phil. Jake and Rich went a couple of weeks ago.. Jake thought it was great.. Zakk got a bit bored and took his DS to play with (smart boy in my opinion..) which I dont think went down too well with Phil..lol
Talking of Phil.. he's going to be a father again, I'm told he and Catie are expecting a new arrival in December ...I'm hoping for twins - for sheer entertainment value and much giggling on mine (and Simon's) part but I don't think we're getting them.. boooooo :(
Zakk says it better be a boy, he wants a brother.. he's bloody sick of girls..even though Livvi is the cutest little girl I ever saw.. and she looks weirdly like your Mum still.. lol
Shona is 16 in a couple of days.. I think Tracey's trying my "ignore tactic" for that one ;) but thats not working either.. maybe that should have been my clue.. hmmmm....
Fran & Rose are 13!!! Where the bloody hell did that go then? They're beautiful.. James is still tall and well.. he's a grown up and I suspect is more than likely able to drink more than me (& you lol) and probably does too.. and little Albie.. ahh he's just so cute its not funny, I dont see any of them nearly enough :(
As for us.. we're still here, cuts and bruises and all.. Jake scared the living crap out of me recently by falling off his bike and attempting to eat some pavement and Angelina thought she'd try to finish me off by wiping the playground floor at school with her face... but they're all fine, just about anyway.
Heather got put on the "gifted and talented" list at school for her abilities in reading and writing.. when I told her she had a look of confusion on her face until I asked her what was up.. "Well which is it? Am I gifted or talented?" lol..she still reads everything she can find.. I often find her in the bathroom on the throne, swinging her legs and reading the back of the shampoo bottle ( like father like daughter.) and singing to herself..
Angelina is a social butterfly.. she asked why she wasnt on the gifted and talented list.. cos she thought she should be on the gifted and talented list and why is Heather on the list and why isnt Jake? and what is the gifted and talented list and who decides who should be on it and who shouldn't? and how long will she be on it for? and will she still be on it next year? and maybe I will be on it next time and Ooooh!! can I play out now? I had to wait until she came up for air before reminding her that if she shut up for a minute she might be able to knuckle down and do some work for a change and then they might see how smart she is and she might get put on it too, but she'd lost interest and had gone off to talk at someone else for a bit..
They're getting so big Dad its not funny.. they're tall and mouthy.. who decided it was important to teach these children to question me? Was that you? I have a daily battle with your Grandson who is pushing his boundaries every day at the minute, wanting to go further and play longer and stay up later.. I long for simpler days when he sat in his bouncer blowing raspberries at you in that house in Sowerby Bridge.. he was quiet then..and he did as he was told.. when he wasn't throwing spaghetti at me or sneezing pureed apple all over me lol.
He's discovered cricket (he's your Grandson thats for sure), he plays after school on a Wednesday (YES I've already told him he has to play for East Bierley and at county level for Yorkshire..lol) and he LOVES it..he's also in the art club too and I can't keep up with him he's got a better social life than me!!!
I found McGinnis, I tried to find him to let him know 3 years ago but I couldn't and then would you believe I was on facebook and Gaynor popped up on the recommended friends list.. we must have a couple of mutual friends, so I messaged and told her and she told Hugh, she gave me his number.. I haven't phoned him yet.. I probably should..I dont know why I didnt.. I will.
I also got a lovely letter from Mrs Bell, just keeping in touch.. she likes me to send her pics of the kids and keep her up to date with the news and stuff.. she misses you so much, she says she's always talking to you and can you please stop hiding her files.. its not funny anymore! lol. I need to mail her back actually.. its been a while.
I also need to phone Sandra too.. get her in the loop with Phil's news and then she can start knitting bless her..I haven't spoken to her since we sold the house, I hope we did the right thing with that..it was hard to let her go :(
Oooh and I need to tell you that Lisa was in the audience for a Jools Holland episode the other night.. yeah how jealous are you!?!?! lol
I still think of you everyday Dad, sometimes I even smile now.. occasionally I laugh too.. have to admit though, sometimes I still cry.. I told a girl I know that lost her own father recently that the pain doesn't go away and its always still there.. you just get better at managing it. I hope it made her feel better.. it was the truth as I saw it at the time..still is really.
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