5...?

I miss you
a little,
I guess
you could say,
a little
too much,
a little
too often,
and
a little more
each day...



Dear Dad..

Here we are, again.. much like before.. 

I wonder somedays if I'll ever tire of writing to you..or if I'll run out of things to say.. or if people will tire of reading through my grief and sadness.. or even if you'll tire of hearing me.. and then I smile and remember how you listened through 32 years of my incessant babble and I realise you're not about to stop now.. even if you wanted to..lol.

The days are still long and the nights longer.. the minutes and hours tick by and you're still not here and nothing changes and then everything changes.. but still... nothing inside has really changed.. does that make sense?

Five years have passed and it still feels like this morning.. Five years have gone by and if I close my eyes I can still see your face.. you haven't aged.. (good job btw!) if I screw my eyes up and think hard enough I can almost hear your voice somedays but only when I don't need you.. when I need you I can't seem to find you through the fog of tears.. I'm hoping that will change with experience..lol

So whats new..well..we managed to stop reproducing finally.. although I cant say this is a permanent thing..lol who knows what will happen next?  All I know is it wont be me..heheh

Shona's about to turn 18.. (eep!) Jake is about to start high school (double eep!) and Simon is almost 41.. poor thing..lol

Angelina is a social butterfly.. her calendar is so full of play dates and dinner invitations.. she's out more than I am! The phone is constantly ringing and she's never in the house which is a blessing sometimes cos when she is in there's a child permanently banging on my front door asking if she's playing out..lol

Heather is a sensitive soul.. books, books and more books.. shes currently plowing through "Little Women" and "Pride & Prejudice" of all things.. she's a sponge.. soaks it all up and looks for something new to learn.. she's obsessed with all things David Attenborough at the moment.. I cant keep up with her.. she's destined for great things that one.. her brain is too big.. I hope she can handle it.. :/

Jake is.. dry... and too quick for my liking.. the little bugger is sarcastic and quick witted.. he'll do well I'm sure, he just has to get it out of his head on to the paper faster instead of daydreaming..lol.  He's so sweet.. sympathetic and caring.. he's gonna be a fabulous grown up one day.. he reminds me of you so much.. 

Rich and I went on a health kick and shed a load of weight.. I feel and look better, but there's more to come.. and I finally got that contract at the school.. its only temporary until July at the moment to see how I like and obviously how far the school budget will go but it says "Teaching Assistant" on it! So yay me!  I love it too.. its so good to be doing something I enjoy.. 

Your family tree is giving me hell right now.. what is with all the John Smith's in Bradford in the 1800's??  its just rude... lol and add to that his father is called Samuel and I've NO chance.. especially when it turns out that he was married to a Rachel BROWN.  Smith AND Brown??  Can you get someone up there to give me a hint or a nudge in the right direction and kick start me again cos I'm getting stuck :(

I went up to see Grandma Kath & Grandad Sam.. and found Uncle Freddie and Uncle John George  there with their parents Fred & Betsy too!  I took some flowers.. they were beautiful deep pink tulips.. I thought you might like that.. Im going up again to check out some more of the graves because I think there must be more of us up there and I was so excited to find who I did that I forgot to have a good look around and see who else was there.. honestly it was weird.. I walked through looking and wasn't getting anywhere and I just stopped, when I looked down I was stood next to Grandma Kath & Grandad Sams headstone.. weird... lol

I find it all fascinating.. and I wish I could share it all with you but then again.. you probably know more about it that me now... share some info will you please???

I wanted to come up to see you on your hill today but if I'm honest I was a bit scared.. its a long drive and whilst I don't mind that.. its still an unfamiliar one and with the kids in the car and no Rich (cos he's working) I wasn't quite brave enough, I'm sorry.. :(  I suspect Phil will bob up though.. and Simon isn't in town right now but he's planning a visit later this summer so he'll probably pop up then.. as for us.. well, we have a week off coming up so weather and time permitting we might make it then.. it not, we'll make it over the summer.. I was planning to have been across a few a few times this year already in preparation for the trip today but with the winter being so long and the roads up to Holme Moss being covered in snow and closed for all that time, I just haven't been able to.. I guess we never thought about bad weather when we stuck you up there.. I hope you're not too cold..  :/

5 years is too long for a girl to be without her Daddy :(  

I thought it might be easier by now but it hasn't changed really.. its not easier in any way.. the waves of fear and panic and pain don't come as often now but when they hit its still with the same intensity as always.. there is still that feeling of loss every morning.. I feel generally speaking, that I am lost really.. I dont know if that makes sense either.. its like you left and I went somewhere to look for you and I can't find my way back almost.. and people are changing around me and I cant change and move forward at the same speed.. so I feel a little left behind also.. which adds to the confusion and fog in my head..

I try not to talk about it anymore... there's a feeling that I should be past all this by now, people seem to expect you to "move on" quickly .. really quickly actually, people expect you to grieve quickly and "get over it" and be ok again..but you can't and you don't and the sad part is that the only people that know how hard it is and how it really feels to have someone so precious torn away from you are the people that have been through it.. so the people that are holding you up are the same people that need holding up themselves.. because their grief is still biting at their own heels and their own tears are still bubbling away, sometimes for years and years under the surface ... the circle is endless..and its sad that more and more people have to join that circle everyday.. and the first thing they say when they do is "does it get easier?" and I have to say "No, no it doesn't.."

Do you cope better?  Yes I think so, somedays I even smile.. somedays I hear my daughter tell her friends her Mum is mean and miserable "but she wasnt always like that.." and I wonder what kind of effect this all has on them and I resolve to make things "better" but how can I make things better for them when I don't know how to make them better for me?

I know there will come a time when I will resolve all my issues and feel myself again.. I wish I knew when that would be though.. and I wish you were here to help me.. but then again, if you were.. I wouldn't need you would I? lol  bloody catch 22.. 

Enough of this sadness.. I didn't want this letter to become like this again this year...

So..  The good news is sometimes you still surprise me.. like in the supermarket last week I heard a song that made me smile..I know a couple of little people that recognised it too which should make you smile... I probably played it a dozen times for you since.. apologies for the spanish subtitles.. but I could only find one video of the version you like, and so I'm going to leave you for now with this..enjoy..


Love you always Dad, speak to you soon xx