Hey Dad..
It's wet and miserable and cold today.. a bit like my mood really if I'm honest..
Another year without you has passed all too quickly.. much has changed and yet.. much stays the same.. which is oddly comforting in a way..
We're all older.. little bit wiser I hope.. although I'm not too sure about that actually..lol
We're expanding.. (and I dont mean my waistline, thats shrinking very nicely, thank you!), thats the Royal "we".. I actually mean Phil.. he's been busy pro-creating again lol. Your new Grandson is a belter bless him as is his sister.. who would charm your socks off she's so adorable.
Everyone is the same.. just older. We're all still fantastically gorgeous and completely bonkers obviously lol. I feel silly sitting here telling you this when I know you still see all... I like to think you do anyway. What can I tell you thats new? nothing really..nothing that you dont already know..or cant already see.
Truth is I'm stuck.. I've been sitting here all day thinking..thinking about what to write.. what to say.. which song to post that has meaning to you, to us.. and well.. thing is.. I've got nothing.
Sorry.. I had nothing.
I've sat, pretty much staring into space at frequent times over the last 19 days.. It starts with the birdsong on the 1st May every year.. the change from April to May.. that word "May" brings that feeling.. that knot in the pit of my stomach and I cant shift it.. and I do try. I've spent the last week in the gym.. (might as well take my bed there I'm there that often at the moment), then I go to work, then I come home, then I go to pick the kids up and then I come home and find something to do until bedtime that rules out any time to actually think.. its quite clever really..lol
Trouble is the day still comes even if I dont think about it, the rat bag... I think its highly unfair by the way that time hasn't stopped for me and everyone else as I'd like it to.
So then I wake up a day or so before and think "oh hell.." (amongst other things..) and I find I've been caught off guard again.. even though I never forget and I know exactly what day.. how many hours, minutes..etc I know it all.. how could any of us forget? We couldn't..
So..pushing all to one side isnt really working for me either is it? So here I was, just sitting thinking about the last couple of weeks and how they'd got away with me again.. I thought about this morning when I went to the supermarket and walked through the door to a bunch of white roses straight infront of me.. which I absent mindedly picked up and paid for..
I thought about the song on the radio in the car the other day (shhh keep reading - it's at the bottom..lol) .. That bloody weather forecast on Look North one day last week that made me jump when it came on with a picture of the transmitter and the hills of Holme Moss behind the forecaster!!
The poem a friend posted on another friends facebook page that brought a tear and a memory even though it wasnt intended for me.. the little things that I've noticed and registered in my head but haven't connected over the last 19 days until now..you know the ones... the signs...
I still feel the breeze on my face sometimes and sometimes it makes me smile.. sometimes I cry.. I wont lie, I do still cry, I think I always will..but sometimes, I laugh too these days.. I'm not saying it goes away because it doesnt go away.. it doesnt hurt less, its with me everyday. In those first few blurry moments when I wake and in my sleepy head I'm 15 and at home in bed and the sun is streaming through the window and you're yelling from the bottom of the stairs telling me to get my "precious Princess arse out of bed and get ready for school" lol!! Then my eyes open and focus and I see I'm almost 37 and I'm in my own bedroom (which is still a tip by the way.. some things really havent changed!!) and I remember..and life kicks me out of bed and makes me make breakfast and sandwiches and send small people off to school..and even though I know that gut tearing moment and its relentless grief so well now...it doesnt stop.. but I see now that neither did my life and thats ok too.
I miss you.. I will always miss you everyday forever and ever and ever, I know this..
and yes, I see your signs..
and I know you miss me too.
Until next time...
JenJen
x
No comments:
Post a Comment