It's been a while hasn't it? Sorry :/ I'm promise to try harder in future.. as you know, sometimes I have the most horrific writers block.. its not easy to constantly think of things to write about, especially when some of the things I would like to write about are probably best not shared ..lol
Anyway.. I've been thinking lately about my lot in life.. sure its not perfect and there is much to moan about .. the death of the once very active social life that comes with the creating of the little people.. the cost of creating said little people is a big pain in one's arse also sometimes.. as is the inevitably ginormous pile of clothing in the corner also known as "the laundry basket" (I swear its taller than me now) but there is also much to be happy about.. and spring always brings joy and happiness in my little houseful of monsters..yes I can call them that.. you can't though ;)
So the sun is out and I'm looking for the joy... I find the budding flowers.. I find the warmth of the sunshine and the perfect seclusion of my little garden.. I find the marvel that is BST (British Summer Time) and the joy of waking up in light mornings and the children being able to play outside until virtually bedtime...
but I don't see the smiles.. where are the smiles??
This is my son.
he's gorgeous isn't he?
he doesn't have so much hair lately.. he got tired of having to tie it up for his swimming lessons..lol
Well, my boy isn't so smiley lately either. infact he's positively miserable. :(
He's 10.. and he's having a bit of an identity crisis I think.. too big to be young and comforted by Mum cuddles and hot chocolate but not so grown up that he doesn't still long for the days when it really was that simple... I know what you're thinking.. "I remember that well.." Yep, I do too..
So... this boy up there is my new hero. He is y'know.. he's a bloody star.
He might only be 10 but he's not had it so very easy.. of course he's not had it that hard either but anyway I digress...when he was a teeny baby we went everywhere together, I WISH I could go back and do it all over again, it was lovely.. he was my shadow.. I completely fell head over heels for him the second I saw him.. well before actually.. the second I saw that little blue line if I'm honest.. he was very much longed for and we'd waited a while for him but then there he was and I can honestly say he is the single most bestest thing I ever did.. ever.
When he was 2 we thought we were having such a great time we should do it again and create another bundle of gorgeousness for him to play with.... uh oh... lol
yeah we got the other two..LOL ( I love them dearly really y'know..hehehe).. it was a shock for all of us but Jake went from having 3 much older sisters that fussed all over him and didnt live in the same house so he didnt have to share his toys or time etc.. to having these 2 squawking "dollies" as he called them..always there, that pooped and screamed and later stood up and stole his toys.. and everyone's attention too..
People would stop me in the street to "look at the twins!!" and I wanted to scream "I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD TOO AND HE'S SMART AND BEAUTIFUL AND FUNNY AND STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!"
Jake never said a word.. he proudly showed of "MY babies" and beamed with pride when people said how beautiful or adorable etc they were..
He was late starting at nursery, he was almost 4.. this was a conscious decision on my part.. I not only wanted to keep our unit together a little longer for my own selfish reasons but I didn't want him to feel pushed out because his sisters were here..I was determined they'd be close and they are. He shares everything with them, he plays with them, they follow him everywhere pestering him, talking incessantly.. playing with his stuff.. he shares sweets, games, collecting cards.. dvd's.. friends.. lol.. you name it..he's currently playing Mario on the Wii with Heather.. they've been at it an hour and he's desperate to play pokemon on his DS instead!
He's fab with them and with the rest of us too.. when my Dad died.. he was utterly heartbroken but he ended up holding me together.. just with a head on my shoulder when I needed company or entertaining the others.. little smile, a cuddle when the tears came..all things a boy of 6 shouldn't have to do really...
I could sit here going on and on about my son and how wonderful i think he is all day but I should probably get to the point... So why isnt he smiling? Well.. he's being picked on at school.. I want to say bullied but there doesnt seem to be any physical violence to it at the moment so I think "bullied" is a bit strong a term for it just yet.
I know bullying isnt just physical violence and it also includes other things like victimisation, exclusion, name calling, harrassment etc.. all things that are happening to my boy right now.. but to say the term "bullying" seems to make it more real and I think we'd rather it wasn't really happening...stupid I know..
Why my boy if he's so brilliant? Well I can tell you why.. he's a skinny lil thing and he's nice to everyone all the time too..lol. He doesn't have a cross word for anyone (unless he's yelling at me!).
This seems to make people think he's weak.. although they should maybe remember the last person who thought my boy was weak... they'd do well to remember the black eye my boy gave him too...
He might be one of the oldest in his class but he doesn't really put much stock in being "cool".. infact he couldnt give a shit really. He doesnt ask for the latest trainers or named gear etc.. he doesnt really wear them, he has a drawer full of sports tops.. Liverpool shirts, Bradford Bulls shirts..Celtic and rangers tops.. England rugby/football tops.. Adidas pants.. etc.. not bothered, they were a waste of money really.. he likes his jeans and his mario t shirt and his scabby old trainers.. which is great for me.. my bank balance is healthier without having to pay for all those shirts!
He doesnt want an ipod.. laptop.. fancy phone, he's happy with his lil phone and his xbox..
Doesnt play football often.. not that fussed for it really.. he'd rather go off an use his imagination.. and maybe that's it.. maybe that makes him not cool enough.. after all football is EVERYTHING to some men and boys..
So he gets left out and/or called names or someone will take his stuff and hide it or just take it.. and probably lots of other stuff too that he'd hasn't mentioned to anyone...
Anyway, must dwell on it... the reason I started writing this was to put on to paper (sort of..lol) how proud I am of him.. and how much he means to me to cheer him up really.. I miss his smiley face :(
He might not think that people think he's cool..but since when did this family care what anyone else thought of them? If he wanted to walk down the street in his pyjama's with his underpants on his head I 'd still think he was the coolest 10 yr old lil shit I ever knew..
cos he is.. he's smart.. he might struggle to get the ideas out of his head on to the paper but hey... who doesnt get writers block occasionally??? OOOOH!!!!!!!! maybe its hereditary!!! lol
I dont need a rocket scientist for a son.. as long as he's smiling and happy with what he chooses to do then thats fine with me... you can earn all the money in the world and buy anything and everything you want and never be happy.. and we've had enough of being sad now...
I know in my heart that my boy is good throughout.. there really isnt a bad bone in his body.. he's thoughtful, he's caring, he's considerate and loving and he knows right from wrong.. he'd never ever treat anyone the way he's being treated at the moment and its heartbreaking to see him going through it... and to see him going through it in silence too because he wont tell.. but I will...
Some people think that I made him soft when he was little and maybe I did.. I taught him right from wrong I know that. I wouldn't allowe him to be mean to people to get his own way or to take things that weren't his just because he wanted them. I've taught him to play nicely and to obey the rules and treat people with respect and how he would want to be treated..
I've tried to shape him and help him become a sensitive and empathic person that cares about people and does the right thing and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.. my son will be a wonderful man.. he already has many of the qualities that I found admirable in his father and my own too and he's mature (on a personal level) way beyond his years.. and I love that about him. He's lovely.. and I'm so proud of him.. I just wish he had the self confidence to not let them get to him but they've stripped that away at the moment and he's struggling to get it back..
So.. I need to bring by the smile to my son's face and to remind him how good he is.. and what better way than with a lil help from his fave band the Foo's.
Smile Jakey Lee..pick yourself up.. we're right behind you.
love yoooooooooooo x
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