Where does the time go???

Dear Dad..

Where does the time go??  No seriously though.. where does it go?  It doesn't seem 2 minutes since I was writing my letter to you in May and now its your birthday and here I sit pen to paper.. (ok ok finger to keyboard..stop splitting hairs..) with my next installment for you and I dont know where the last 4 months has gone.. or the last 4 years too if I'm honest..

Soooo.. last time we looked Jake was about 3 and I just had a couple of babies right?? or was it that I was about 7 and you were 32 ish pretending to be 22 ish instead? I know, I know there was no 'pretending' it really was 1960 you were born not 1950 right?? ;)

I wish I was still 7.. happy days.


I've been thinking about time a lot lately and I've been busy too!!  I'm on the family tree trail.. and I can tell you with a maiden name like Smith its not been easy.. as we know, everyone is called John, Sam, Fred or Mary and I know people think I'm joking but I'm bloody not.. they are all called that.. along with George.. I seem to be finding a lot of George's lately.. anyway I discovered cousin Malcolm (Doris's lad) on an ancestry site and we've been sharing information and pictures and I'm now back to 1740 on your Mum's side and 1797 ish on your Dad's.. its not been easy but its been fascinating.. oh I wish I could show you!! You'd really love it and I only did it because you said you didnt really know much about them.

I found Uncle Billy (the bad un), I found the mills at Vulcan Street in the Post Office Directories - so they really were mill owners!  I finally found out, after much hard work cos the council were completely bloody useless I have to tell you.. that the graves from the chapel at Westgate Hill that was taken down weren't moved to Scholemoor like we thought but are actually still there at Westgate Hill!!!  But I bet you knew that all ready.. they're undisturbed and *hopefully* intact, I'm going to go down there in a couple of weeks.. yes, I'll take flowers for your Grandma Kath... I know you'd like that..

She had a couple of sisters you know.. one of them was called Jane Isabel, they called her "Jennie" would you believe.. I know this because I'm now in touch with her Great Great Grandaughter (at least I think thats who she is..LOL) isnt that spooky?

Malcolm gave me loads of information on the other side.. he shared photos of Nan's sister Florrie who I could totally see the sisterly resemblance! There was one of your Grandma too and her mother, and your Grandad George and Uncle Percy who I can see in your face too.. and he said something about the "fish oil" in Morley, said thats what they all called it .. I always wondered why you called a fish n chip shop a "fish oil".. guess now I know..

So much to share and not able to talk about it with you!! Well I can talk but you're not answering much these days..  except in the most weird of places as usual.  So..next stop is the next best thing.. I'm going to take my findings and visit Auntie Sandra.. raid her pictures and memories and see what else I can dig up..

What else is happening.. well Jake is about to pick a high school can you believe it?  There's that time thing again.. moving toooooooooo fast, remember when he didnt even go yet?  I sometimes wonder when I get into bed at night if he'll be 25 when I get up in the morning!!  He's getting ready to go on his first residential school trip.. they're making him stay away from home for 3 whole days!!  What will I do without him?  I tell him I cant wait to hear all his news and he'll have such a good time but I sort of wish he wasnt going really.. I know he'll be even MORE grown up when he gets home..

Heather & Angelina just had their birthday.. yes another one.. and its cost me a fortune again.  They dont want tea parties anymore.. they want make up parties!!! It's not good...

They miss you, they know what day it is.. they're sitting eating their dinner talking about the maltesers that are in the fridge.. I miss you.. can't you come back now?  if only it were that easy.. I wish someone would create a hotline to Heaven.. only I'd be on it permanently whinging at you and there'd be no time for anyone else to use it..oops.

I wonder sometimes if you could talk back, what would you have to tell me?  I bet you'd tell me all about the people I've been researching.. that'd be brilliant!!  I wonder what there is to know.. I wonder if you ever get chance to find out..  I hope so.

Well there isnt really much else to say..I'd like to say see you soon.. but although I'd love to see you, I'd rather like it to be here where I am and not there, where you are..if you dont mind!  In the meantime, I think we'll settle for a trip up to your hill maybe before the snow comes..

Love you.. still.

Old as she was...

She still missed her daddy sometimes..everyday..

Hey Dad..

It's wet and miserable and cold today.. a bit like my mood really if I'm honest..

Another year without you has passed all too quickly.. much has changed and yet.. much stays the same.. which is oddly comforting in a way..

We're all older.. little bit wiser I hope.. although I'm not too sure about that actually..lol
We're expanding.. (and I dont mean my waistline, thats shrinking very nicely, thank you!), thats the Royal "we".. I actually mean Phil.. he's been busy pro-creating again lol.  Your new Grandson is a belter bless him as is his sister.. who would charm your socks off she's so adorable.

Everyone is the same.. just older.  We're all still fantastically gorgeous and completely bonkers obviously lol. I feel silly sitting here telling you this when I know you still see all... I like to think you do anyway.  What can I tell you thats new?  nothing really..nothing that you dont already know..or cant already see.

Truth is I'm stuck.. I've been sitting here all day thinking..thinking about what to write.. what to say.. which song to post that has meaning to you, to us.. and well.. thing is.. I've got nothing.

Sorry.. I had nothing.

I've sat, pretty much staring into space at frequent times over the last 19 days.. It starts with the birdsong on the 1st May every year.. the change from April to May.. that word "May" brings that feeling.. that knot in the  pit of my stomach and I cant shift it.. and I do try.  I've spent the last week in the gym.. (might as well take my bed there I'm there that often at the moment), then I go to work, then I come home, then I go to pick the kids up and then I come home and find something to do until bedtime that rules out any time to actually think.. its quite clever really..lol

Trouble is the day still comes even if I dont think about it, the rat bag... I think its highly unfair by the way that time hasn't stopped for me and everyone else as I'd like it to.

So then I wake up a day or so before and think "oh hell.." (amongst other things..) and I find I've been caught off guard again.. even though I never forget and I know exactly what day.. how many hours, minutes..etc I know it all.. how could any of us forget?  We couldn't..

So..pushing all to one side isnt really working for me either is it?  So here I was, just sitting thinking about the last couple of weeks and how they'd got away with me again.. I thought about this morning when I went to the supermarket and walked through the door to a bunch of white roses straight infront of me.. which I absent mindedly picked up and paid for..
I thought about the song on the radio in the car the other day (shhh keep reading - it's at the bottom..lol) .. That bloody weather forecast on Look North one day last week that made me jump when it came on with a picture of the transmitter and the hills of Holme Moss behind the forecaster!!
The poem a friend posted on another friends facebook page that brought a tear and a memory even though it wasnt intended for me.. the little things that I've noticed and registered in my head but haven't connected over the last 19 days until now..you know the ones... the signs...

I still feel the breeze on my face sometimes and sometimes it makes me smile.. sometimes I cry.. I wont lie, I do still cry, I think I always will..but sometimes, I laugh too these days.. I'm not saying it goes away because it doesnt go away.. it doesnt hurt less, its with me everyday.  In those first few blurry moments when I wake and in my sleepy head I'm 15 and at home in bed and the sun is streaming through the window and you're yelling from the bottom of the stairs telling me to get my "precious Princess arse out of bed and get ready for school"  lol!!  Then my eyes open and focus and I see I'm almost 37 and I'm in my own bedroom (which is still a tip by the way.. some things really havent changed!!) and I remember..and life kicks me out of bed and makes me make breakfast and sandwiches and send small people off to school..and even though I know that gut tearing moment and its relentless grief so well now...it doesnt stop.. but I see now that neither did my life and thats ok too.

I miss you.. I will always miss you everyday forever and ever and ever, I know this..

and yes, I see your signs..

and I know you miss me too.


Until next time...

JenJen
x

Heroes..

Aaaaaahhh sh*t.. I'm a bad bad blogger. lol.

It's been a while hasn't it?  Sorry :/  I'm promise to try harder in future.. as you know, sometimes I have the most horrific writers block.. its not easy to constantly think of things to write about, especially when some of the things I would like to write about are probably best not shared ..lol

Anyway.. I've been thinking lately about my lot in life.. sure its not perfect and there is much to moan about .. the death of the once very active social life that comes with the creating of the little people.. the cost of creating said little people is a big pain in one's arse also sometimes.. as is the inevitably ginormous pile of clothing in the corner also known as "the laundry basket" (I swear its taller than me now) but there is also much to be happy about.. and spring always brings joy and happiness in my little houseful of monsters..yes I can call them that.. you can't though ;)

So the sun is out and I'm looking for the joy... I find the budding flowers.. I find the warmth of the sunshine and the perfect seclusion of my little garden.. I find the marvel that is BST (British Summer Time) and the joy of waking up in light mornings and the children being able to play outside until virtually bedtime...

but I don't see the smiles.. where are the smiles??  

Ahh!! there's one...

This is my son.

he's gorgeous isn't he?

he doesn't have so much hair lately.. he got tired of having to tie it up for his swimming lessons..lol

Well, my boy isn't so smiley lately either.  infact he's positively miserable. :(

He's 10.. and he's having a bit of an identity crisis I think..  too big to be young and comforted by Mum cuddles and hot chocolate but not so grown up that he doesn't still long for the days when it really was that simple...  I know what you're thinking.. "I remember that well.."  Yep, I do too..

So... this boy up there is my new hero.  He is y'know.. he's a bloody star.

He might only be 10 but he's not had it so very easy.. of course he's not had it that hard either but anyway I digress...when he was a teeny baby we went everywhere together, I WISH I could go back and do it all over again, it was lovely.. he was my shadow.. I completely fell head over heels for him the second I saw him.. well before actually.. the second I saw that little blue line if I'm honest..  he was very much longed for and we'd waited a while for him but then there he was and I can honestly say he is the single most bestest thing I ever did.. ever.

When he was 2 we thought we were having such a great time we should do it again and create another bundle of gorgeousness for him to play with.... uh oh... lol

yeah we got the other two..LOL  ( I love them dearly really y'know..hehehe).. it was a shock for all of us but Jake went from having 3 much older sisters that fussed all over him and didnt live in the same house so he didnt have to share his toys or time etc.. to having these 2 squawking "dollies" as he called them..always there, that pooped and screamed and later stood up and stole his toys.. and everyone's attention too..

People would stop me in the street to "look at the twins!!" and I wanted to scream "I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD TOO AND HE'S SMART AND BEAUTIFUL AND FUNNY AND STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!"
Jake never said a word.. he proudly showed of "MY babies" and beamed with pride when people said how beautiful or adorable etc they were..

He was late starting at nursery, he was almost 4.. this was a conscious decision on my part.. I not only wanted to keep our unit together a little longer for my own selfish reasons but I didn't want him to feel pushed out because his sisters were here..I was determined they'd be close and they are.  He shares everything with them, he plays with them, they follow him everywhere pestering him, talking incessantly.. playing with his stuff.. he shares sweets, games, collecting cards.. dvd's.. friends.. lol.. you name it..he's currently playing Mario on the Wii with Heather.. they've been at it an hour and he's desperate to play pokemon on his DS instead!

He's fab with them and with the rest of us too.. when my Dad died.. he was utterly heartbroken but he ended up holding me together.. just with a head on my shoulder when I needed company or entertaining the others.. little smile, a cuddle when the tears came..all things a boy of 6 shouldn't have to do really...

I could sit here going on and on about my son and how wonderful i think he is all day but I should probably get to the point... So why isnt he smiling? Well.. he's being picked on at school.. I want to say bullied but there doesnt seem to be any physical violence to it at the moment so I think "bullied" is a bit strong a term for it just yet.

I know bullying isnt just physical violence and it also includes other things like victimisation, exclusion, name calling, harrassment etc.. all things that are happening to my boy right now.. but to say the term "bullying" seems to make it more real and I think we'd rather it wasn't really happening...stupid I know..

Why my boy if he's so brilliant?  Well I can tell you why.. he's a skinny lil thing and he's nice to everyone all the time too..lol.  He doesn't have a cross word for anyone (unless he's yelling at me!).
This seems to make people think he's weak.. although they should maybe remember the last person who thought my boy was weak... they'd do well to remember the black eye my boy gave him too...

He might be one of the oldest in his class but he doesn't really put much stock in being "cool".. infact he  couldnt give a shit really. He doesnt ask for the latest trainers or named gear etc.. he doesnt really wear them, he has a drawer full of sports tops.. Liverpool shirts, Bradford Bulls shirts..Celtic and rangers tops.. England rugby/football tops.. Adidas pants.. etc.. not bothered, they were a waste of money really.. he likes his jeans and his mario t shirt and his scabby old trainers.. which is great for me.. my bank balance is healthier without having to pay for all those shirts!
He doesnt want an ipod.. laptop.. fancy phone, he's happy with his lil phone and his xbox..
Doesnt play football often.. not that fussed for it really.. he'd rather go off an use his imagination.. and maybe that's it.. maybe that makes him not cool enough.. after all football is EVERYTHING to some men and boys..

So he gets left out and/or called names or someone will take his stuff and hide it or just take it.. and probably lots of other stuff too that he'd hasn't mentioned to anyone...

Anyway, must dwell on it... the reason I started writing this was to put on to paper (sort of..lol) how proud I am of him.. and how much he means to me to cheer him up really.. I miss his smiley face :(

He might not think that people think he's cool..but since when did this family care what anyone else thought of them?  If he wanted to walk down the street in his pyjama's with his underpants on his head I 'd still think he was the coolest 10 yr old lil shit I ever knew..

cos he is.. he's smart.. he might struggle to get the ideas out of his head on to the paper but hey... who doesnt get writers block occasionally??? OOOOH!!!!!!!! maybe its hereditary!!! lol

I dont need a rocket scientist for a son.. as long as he's smiling and happy with what he chooses to do then thats fine with me... you can earn all the money in the world and buy anything and everything you want and never be happy.. and we've had enough of being sad now...

I know in my heart that my boy is good throughout.. there really isnt a bad bone in his body.. he's thoughtful, he's caring, he's considerate and loving and he knows right from wrong.. he'd never ever treat anyone the way he's being treated at the moment and its heartbreaking to see him going through it... and to see him going through it in silence too because he wont tell.. but I will...

Some people think that I made him soft when he was little and maybe I did.. I taught him right from wrong I know that.  I wouldn't allowe him to be mean to people to get his own way or to take things that weren't his just because he wanted them.  I've taught him to play nicely and to obey the rules and treat people with respect and how he would want to be treated..
I've tried to shape him and help him become a sensitive and empathic person that cares about people and does the right thing and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.. my son will be a wonderful man.. he already has many of the qualities that I found admirable in his father and my own too and he's mature (on a personal level) way beyond his years.. and I love that about him.  He's lovely.. and I'm so proud of him.. I just wish he had the self confidence to not let them get to him but they've stripped that away at the moment and he's struggling to get it back..

So.. I need to bring by the smile to my son's face and to remind him how good he is.. and what better way than with a lil help from his fave band the Foo's.

Smile Jakey Lee..pick yourself up.. we're right behind you.

love yoooooooooooo x

Dear Dad

Today is your birthday.. you should be 61.

We bought white roses to remember, ate Maltesers and drank hot chocolate whilst we talked of you.. its nice to hear the things the kids remember.. your "dancing" eyebrows, the tickles and laughter... and I love the way Heather always smiles softly as she says "Grandad Peter was nice.."

They miss you.

I miss you.

I love you Daddy, Happy Birthday..

J
x

p.s. almost forgot your present.. I passed... and come that lonely day in May, I'll be there on that hill to see you.. in that car you paid for.. driven by me.

Never Forget...

Today I'm dedicating my thoughts and this post to the memory of the people that lost their lives on 9/11.

It's hard to believe that it's ten years ago already, so much has happened to the world and indeed in my own life since then.

Ten years ago today I was heavily pregnant with my firstborn child, my son Jake.  I was sitting at home on the sofa watching daytime tv.. (such is the joys of maternity leave!), I was having some quiet time alone with my ever expanding bump actually.. we'd been in the shower and applied lotion to the mass of stretch marks..lol,  had lunch and were settled on the sofa watching the tv whilst my hubby Rich went to Tesco's for the weekly supplies.

I remember being irritated as the newsflash bulletin interrupted my lazy day and I wondered what had happened.. nothing could have prepared me or any of us for what happened next.. for what was about to unfold before our eyes.

It shocked me.. it shocked everyone.  I remember phoning Rich in Tescos and telling him to find a tv in the electrical department.. I remember the faces of the newsreaders as they delivered the devastating details.. I remember the look of horror on the peoples faces and felt their fear as they watched what was happening to their beloved city and her people..I remember watching their pain and listening to their anguished cries and screams as the towers fell and they watched their loved ones die..  I screamed myself as they fell and I prayed with them as they searched for survivors... and I cried with them as they mourned their dead.

I know I'm not the only one that watched with her heart in her mouth as America struggled through her darkest hour and I also know I'm not the only one who will never forget..

Someone posted on facebook something so simple and yet so moving.. I thought I'd share..

"For the husband who told his wife I love you one last time before his plane went down in a field, for the wife who stopped in the stairs to call her husband to say I will love you forever, for the mothers and fathers who kissed their kids goodbye the morning they died, for the policemen who rushed in with the firemen to help get others out only to die themselves, for the soldiers who fought back and lost their lives. Today, tomorrow, ten years from now, we will remember.. Never forget 9/11/01."

We're all going on a.....

SUMMER HOLIDAY!!!

Yes the time has finally come for me to tell you all about the Savage Tour of 2011..  I know you can't wait can you?  I can feel your enthusiasm from here!! LOL

Ok.. I've been a bad blogger - again!  eep!!  I really need to get a handle of this "complete the task at hand" lark and finish the blog posts in the order they actually happen but what can I say.. I've been very busy since I got home, what with confronting my dentist phobia and passing my driving test and I just havent had time.. nevermind, I'm here now.. are you sitting comfortably?  Then I'll begin.. lol

Well we all know where the  Savage family like to spend our summer jollies.. we're creatures of habit, we like it here...

yes.. its Scarborough!!  Who'd have thunked it? lol

Seriously though, we love it and the kids love it and are comfortable and thems the kind of lasting family memories we're hoping to create..  Talking of families this year we took Rich's Mum (more commonly known as "Grandma Liz") with us for the duration and subjected her to the incessant chatter of Angelina and Heather by making her share a room with them.. probably wasn't much fun for the poor woman but hey.. was a hell of a lot quieter for us!!  So first and foremost I would like to thank Grandma Liz for deflecting the chatter from my ears at 7am thus allowing me that rare experience of being able to slowly come around over a nice cup of coffee and toast instead of being forced awake with the sounds of "I'm bored.. wake up Mummy!" that comes from the evil one as she stands at the side of my bed staring at me and trying to use her Jedi mind powers to get her own way at an unGodly hour..  So YAY for Grandma Liz!!! *round of applause*

I hope poor Grandma Liz had a good time, I said "poor Grandma Liz" quite often for the 2 weeks because she was subjected to many moments of madness including...


Bum's at the bus stop!


Yes this was the moment that they all got bored waiting for the Filey bus and decided to moon for a bit of fun.. notice Grandma Liz on the left hand side of the picture facing very much away from them in the classic "I'm not with you lot" pose..

and I can't say I really blame her can you?



Also on the list of "Grandma's fave bits...not!" is this moment..

This was the day when my Mum (who came over for the day) and Liz were sat behind a man on the open topped bus who was a little sweaty.. you can just tell by their faces that they're not amused can't you? LOL  (and the fact that Rich has snapped them outside "Winking Willy's" is just classic timing btw) when they got off the bus the pair of them gave a rather gossipy sounding "oooooohh!!!" that reminded me of a certain other 2 'ladies' and I was quickly reduced to a mass of giggles..can u guess who I mean?  No?  hmm... ok.. well maybe this will jog your memories..



yes.. exactly like that!!  Had me giggling for hours.. nearly wet myself when I fould that clip on you tube. lol!

Whats next .. oh yes the weather.. well it wasn't always warm..

there's Grandma sunbathing..lol

but as always there was some quality moments from Rich.. including this one which was taken on the first day when his Mum put him on the naughty step...

 and here when he discovered he has his own museum!

In fact he was a constant source of entertainment!!  Here he is with his mates the lifeguards...

and I dont think I need to say much about this one except that Alison actually looked up from her phone and said "What the f*ck was that?!?!? OH!!! It's Rich!!!! LMAO!"

Yeah talking of Ali.. she said she came over to build sand castles with the kids.. well I see Ali and her mum and some sandcastles but I dont see no kids...LOL

What else?? Well its hard to think which was my favourite bit...there was Pirates (as you can see) and pirate school and castles and abbeys in Whitby.. (yes we lived dangerously this year and ventured out more..lol), there was the petting zoo at Filey and sandcastles and fair grounds and a birthday and seagull crap...poor Rich, he's consistent.. cant fault him really.. he always gets crapped on..lol

There was a trip to the cinema to see Cars 2 and the huge poster of naked bums which made Jake cringe with embarrassment and Rich drool every time they saw it..

There was...

this.

 
This is the moment in Whitby bus station, when Rich forgot how to work a door.

A moment later there was a look of panic on his face as one of the girls dropped her pants in view of EVERYONE and sat down to pee not really giving a fudge who was looking..   and Rich had to stand in front of her or face the wrath of me. lol

and then there was this..

mmmm... knickerbocker glory's... always a winner!!!










There were some classic conversational moments...

GL: "Hello Jamie it's your mother... Oooh you sound miles away!" 
Rich: "He is!!!!"

and

Angelina bursts into book shop and shouts as loud as she can: "MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!!!!!!!!!!! Dad says have you got a tissue?  He's just been pooed on by a reet big bird!!!! Come see... it was ace!!"

or maybe..

Rich stretching: "Ooof I'm tired.. I'm all stiff and achy.."
Jake: "Ha.. Dad's got a stiff"   o_O

Outside the cafe at tea time, Me:  It does say all day breakfast Rich.."
Heather: "But it isnt breakfast time Mummy!!"


could the game of "Chef's" Angelina was playing..
A: "Mummy, what would u like for dessert?"
Me: "i'll have the jam roly poly thank you.."
A: Sorry.. we dont have jam roly poly.  We have sausage.  SURPRISE!!"

I know the kids favourite moment but it involved a walk to the bowling green and a "trip" Grandma Liz made and I'm sure I'm not allowed to share what happened next... but if it been me that had done it lets just say I'd have blamed it on Rich lol.

I think I remember my favourite part.. ahh yes.. this was it..

toes in the water.. cool and warm.. relaxed and looking at this fabulous view...

Does it get much better than this???

Hope you all had a great summer,  enjoy the rest of the pics.. xx

I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Job done... yes  thats another thing to cross off the "Things my Dad thought I should do" list

Yeah I know I was a bit shocked too but its true... look!!

Sorry had to black out bits for obvious reasons but there it is.. the pass certificate and I dunno if u can see this but what surprised me was that I only had 2 faults!

there, hope thats not TOO blurry! lol.. yes I know.. 2 faults.. who'd have thought I was that good? hehehe  especially after having failed repeatedly due to the small matter of shockingly bad nerves..

I'm more than a little surprised that I managed to get in the car for the test because I almost cancelled at the last minute.. sooooo glad I didnt now!!

So thats what I've been doing for the last couple of weeks.. which explains why I havent been able to concentrate on updating here and blogging the fantastic holiday we've just taken in Scarborough with the kids and the mother in law... it was truly brilliant, there were some amazing giggles and there are about 200 photos and lots to tell so now the driving test is out of the way and I am able to focus on something else I shall be spending the weekend typing out the "Savage Tour of 2011!" posts... sorry for delay but I think after all I've been up to this week that i deserve a break dont you?  Watch this space.. I promise it wont be long..lol

Now.. if you'll excuse me.. I have a date with a cheeky lil Peugeot 307 I like to call David... ;)