My Gorgeous girl was 2 weeks short of her 16th birthday, , she's been with me longer than my children..
my heart is broken..
We've been through a lot my sweet Lily and I, I have no idea how I'll cope without her but I know I have to.
She was the great love of my life... Never ever left my side, my best friend...I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without her, I will miss her every day, forever..
Life will never be the same...and I will never forget you..
Sleep well my beautiful baby girl... Mummy loves you. Xx
not literally nothing in the sense of n-o-t-h-i-n-g.. of course, I still have things..lol I meant nothing in a "I have no idea what I'm going to write to you today Dad.. we're winging it once more I'm afraid!!" kind of way..
and then there it was.. on his facebook page, Phil had posted this..
"There isn't a day that goes by where I dont, at some point, think of you.."
and I cried.
You see.. I thought that it was only me that felt this way.. I thought that only I thought of you every single day..
I thought that I was alone in still feeling it like this..
Which is, if you think about it.. completely ridiculous and not at all realistic and in fact.. the most stupid thought I ever had...
You see.. I thought that he.. Phil that is.. had dealt with his issues surrounding your departure and was in control of his grief and his thoughts (and Simon too..) but it seems that might not be the case..for as he says, he too still thinks of you at least once.. every single day.
Its not that I thought it had hit me harder.. or I felt it more in some way. What I thought that I wasn't coping as well as the others and that I should be coping better.. I know Phil saw someone to help with his pain after.. and I know he said it helped and so I figured I was just taking longer or was jsut crap at controlling my emotions in a "I cant help it.. i'm a girl" sort of way..
but I'm not.. fact is,. we all just miss you - still.
Its actually quite comforting to know that its not just me thats a bit shit..lol and it also tells me you were some kind of wonderful because I thought about you every single day for the last 7 years... and so did Phil. I bet if I asked Simon,, he'd say he did too.. not that I would want to be responsible for confirming you were Mr Perfect and thus making your head swell so much that they will need to make space for it somewhere in the Heavens.. (you were though)..
So there you have it.. I had nothing and then there it was.. an epiphany.. just like that.
So what else is there to know?? Well your niece had a baby 2 days ago which she named after your father.. Fran and Rosey are 17.. Albie is just back from America again.. Simon is still living in common law bliss.. Phil isnt having so much fun right now, but I'll keep his head above water until he can get through..
As for us?? We went to LONDON and it was fab! Kids had so much fun we're going again to see everything we didnt see the first time!
Jake is a moaning teenager today.. he's not usually this grumpy.. he must be having an off day.. he's doing well at school.. he absolutely loves History (wonder where he gets that from?) and he's currently making it difficult for me to buy a house anywhere except this bloody village I seem to be perpetually stuck in because he likes his school so much and hates change with such a passion he doesn't want to leave.. this does not please me as I'm fed up of it here and want to move to Scarborough!! (yes really!!) but he's having none of it.. so thats that.
Your Grandaughters are little mermaids!! Turns out they love swimming and have cost me a fortune in extra lesson.. who knew? Still dancing and singing away they're beautiful.. but very different.. both still smartie pants but one loves One Direction and one loves a bit of heavy rock... (apples falling far from trees anyone??) they're all long hair and eyelashes.. you'd love them.
Me.. well I'm on the edge of 40.. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this or where to go with it but I think there's a midlife crisis on the horizon and changes are coming.. I cant continue with this path and I know this now..
Maybe I need a change.. maybe it will be a haircut.. or a new job.. new house.. new car? I dont know.. we'll see.
I need to find something to give me a love for my life again.. I was thinking of coming back to writing.. I think I used to be quite good at it.. what do you think? Can I do it? I know you'll find a way to let me know..
Yes.. I see you.. not all the time and not in the way I would like to but I see.. and I hear..
I hear you in the car.. the song on the radio.. the wind in my face..the messages... the Guinea Pig called "Peter" at the farm today.. the question about John Denver on that quiz show and the answer of "Sunshine on my shoulders"... see? I feel you too.. I know.
remember this post where I said I was going to try really hard to write more often?? yeah that was May last YEAR.. I think I wrote about 3 more posts (and probably all in May) after that.
Epic fail on my part.
Anyhoo.. I'm here again, I'm so busy these days I seem to have little or no time to sit and watch the world go by and so the things that I would once have taken great pleasure in writing about seem to pass me by in a blur of work, cleaning, laundry, school, kids etc..
That and the fact that I HATE winter. I almost hibernate at that time of year.. its not fun..I dont like being cold.. I dont like being wet and miserable.. I'm a summer child.. sunshine, warmth, the feeling of sand between my toes..all necessary to make a girl like me smile... and LIGHT! I hate dark mornings and evenings.. I like to get up in the light I dont want to go to work in the dark and come home in the dark.. I need daylight ffs!!
ok rant over.. so what have we missed.. aaaahhh well... much actually.
we had our annual trip to that favourite place... pics and official holiday post to follow...
we had a win for the boy and his homegrown apples at the Horticultural Society's Annual Show.. and he entered them in the grown ups category so it was an absolute STAR win..lol there were some very unhappy professional apple growing type people not smiling that day..
we had birthdays... September hit me hard.. :(
and then Jake started high school.... look!!!
How grown up does he look now??? its not funny, its scary... and only a few weeks later he turned 12 and his sisters 9..
Mind you they're not so small these days themselves...and they're still growing! eep!
Since then we had Xmas.. how expensive is that these days? The bigger they get the more money they cost!! Its seriously not on..
and its really been round after round of school/work/dance lessons... YES!! my girlies love to dance look see...
^^ that was their first performance at the Eccleshill Summer Fayre - which they LOVED and so did we..
then as a reward for such a brilliant performance they had a party!! Who wants to see how grown up they look in their party dresses???
Think I might need to get me a big stick for beating boys away from the door....
So Jake learned to make "stuff" at school...by this I mean cooking.. of a fashion anyway, he came home from his first cookery lesson very excited.. he'd made "soup-a-cup".
Yes. He meant cup-a-soup.
Cookery lessons at high school... cup-a-soup.. really stretching them arent they?
anyway the following few weeks he made coleslaw, bread and butter pudding and beans on toast... so he wont starve right?? only yes he will.. cos he doesnt like any of them.. except maybe the soup..lol
the he threw me a total curve ball and brought home this..
looks fab doesnt it? so he may still starve but man can that boy dress a salad!!!
he's not so keen on the washing up though...
and so we're almost full circle.. school is out for summer, we've just been on the annual trip to our beloved Scarbados and I'm mentally preparing the blog and trying to decide how to include the mass of pictures we took AGAIN this year.. promise i wont post all 524 right here...hehehe
It's been six years. Six years since I last saw your face. Six years since I heard your voice. Six years since I waved goodbye... Six years.
When I was six the world seemed huge... Actually my world was you... Something's never change it seems..
Six years doesn't seem too long when you just say it out loud like that but when I lay awake thinking of the last six years and the things that you've missed.. well, it seems like forever..
Ok.. ready for the yearly round up?? Let's go...
Jake started high school... :( that little chubby, gurgling baby is now a skinny, long haired, mouthy little bugger with a cheeky grin and a shed load of freckles - which if you ask me, just add to his natural charm! He's smart.. although he doesn't care to apply himself.. he's funny... and usually at my expense! He's artistic and sensitive and kind and caring and awww.. he's just ....lovely. Even if he does like to wear the same undies every day and despite of his ridiculous sock ocd issues.. I *think* he'll turn out just fine.. I think.. haha.
His teachers think he's fabulous, he likes high school better than primary and thats not just because of the girls, he assures me anyway..
I love him so much, he's so funny.. and I know you would too.
Heather is special.. a little shyer than Angelina but still a force to be reckoned with, she knows her own mind and she wont be swayed when she's made her decision.. she's still smart.. I think she's smarter than me already! She loves school and dancing!! Thats their new thing.. the dancing classes.. they love it.
She won a competition to create a poster for the Bradford Aquatics group and as her prize she won swimming lessons which I know she'll love.. she wanted to be a mermaid remember? Well this will be about as near as she gets..she makes me smile..actually she makes my heart sing sometimes..
Angelina is a little social butterfly.. far more interested in chatting than working.. and why not? work is dull and she's still only young after all.. she's challenging right now, theres a battle of wills going on between us and she and I both know she's not allowed to win but shes trying hard anyway.. got to give her credit for trying and persistence too! I know that whilst we may butt heads a lot right now we'll be fab friends eventually and I can always laugh when she produces her first mini me and she's just like her.. like you bloody giggled at me.. anyway, in the meantime I see her good qualities, she has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone, she's kind and caring and helpful and she's better at tidying up than Heather which to be honest, is a good thing because if Heather had her own room she'd have got lost in the mess of it by now...
James grew up...Fran and Rosie are 16 and stunning young ladies..Albie is SO cute!! Shona has green hair.. yes, green... Zakk grows ever more like his father, Livvi is still a beautiful little Princess with attitude to match!! None of this Prince Charming rubbish.. she's far too independant for that... and Halen.. oh little Halen, how fab is he? he's such a little belter.. I know when they're little like that they all are and I know its because he's the last of them all now but he's just so cute.. I cant help being a bit soft for him..
Tracey bought a soap shop.. Sarah went to America for a few months to see how the other half of the permaculture world live! Mel moved house.. Simon and Cam are blissfully happy and Phil drives a big wagon now!! Rich still loves his guitars..and me? well...
But thats not to be.. for now.
I'm an official Teaching Assistant..I got my Permanent contract last month. I work in Reception with the 4/5 years olds.. 60 of them, its noisy.
I work, I clean, I wash and dry and iron, I take to and pick up from afterschool clubs/dancing class/dentist etc..
I'm still here... I'm almost 39. I'm coping... I think.
I wish I could go back to being 6..
Sometimes I still lay awake at night and think of all the things we did.. and all those things we didnt do too..
Theres a relief sometimes that you'll never grow old or worse, helpless.. there will never be that indignity of an illness or the worry of what to do if you were ill.. or how I might manage to take care of you.. and then I get angry that I wont be able to take care of you because I want to... and I get angry that i'll never see your face change into that of an old man.. or i get mad when i hear people whinging about getting old because I know you havent had that luxury..
I still worry that my children will have this to come, this stomach churning ache that is never appeased..the yearning for what was that can never be quieted. This loss.. this grief.. this pain..
I know life is for living and we must move on and say goodbye.. but I dont want to say goodbye... and so I dont.
I think this is why I still write these letters - even though they're all the same and they're pretty much the only time I write these days, I still hang on to them.. as if you can hear them.. I wonder if you can?
If you could then I'd tell you I love you, and I'm angry that you're not here... and then I'd probably ask your advice on how to stop the 12 year old from getting into fights every time he leaves the house!! wth is that about??
I'd tell you I miss you, still.. like I said before.. I think I will miss you always..
I know I didnt make the trip, i'm sorry.. I wasnt strong enough. I'll try again soon..
In the meantime I have to share this.. It was on the tv the other day.. I know you'll remember it..
I have to write a piece for Shona's Scrapbook .. about Shona, using my favourite memory of Shona as inspiration..
and therein lies the problem..
There are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many to choose from.. so where do I start?? I actually don't remember the first time I met Shona.. I know when her Mum met my brother I'd just got married and I was possibly pregnant with Jake when I was introduced to the small person who was to become my favourite niece... so thankfully I can blame my fuzzy baby brain for forgetting the important details of our first meeting.. or maybe it was that she talked my ear off and it was so traumatic I blocked it out?? hehehe I'm just kidding... or am I? Shona is not known for being quiet and shy after all..bless her talkative little socks!
Ok..I think, my most favourite memory of Shona is of the day she visited us just after Jake was born.. it was Halloween and there was a knock on the door - a reeeeeeeeeally quiet one cos we'd just had a baby and she was trying not to wake him!!
I opened the door and there was a teeny little girl dressed as a witch complete with back-combed hair and a green face with warts and all and she looked up at me with a big smile and said "trick or treeeeeeeeeeeeeeat Auntie Jennie!!!!!!!!" which was fine.. but then she gave ME sweets!!
I think that's the only time Shona gave me food...lol Of course then she set up camp on my sofa and helped me eat them but the thought was there and as we all know, that the only thing that counts!!
Since then she's been a constant source of amusement and love.. like the time the seagull pooped on her in Scarborough and we all laughed and instead of throwing a teenage tantrum she took it in good fun... and was rewarded by Uncle Richard getting his own fair share of seagull poop, which we all agreed was much more fun for us. There's the time Rich told her he'd eaten her share of the pie left in the fridge and she almost kissed him when she found out he was fibbing.. or maybe the time we went on holiday to the Norfolk Broads and she threw herself into the task of finding out all she could about the birds and wildlife and then made us all sit quietly and listen as she told us all about it.
She doesn't moan (well not much) even when we went to Starbucks and Heather would ONLY go to the toilet if Shona was taking her..and then she made her take her about eleven times..
She's not afraid to join in and make a fool of her teenage self and jump in some puddles sometimes..
She's patient and kind and she makes Easter baskets and plays with the kids even when I'm sure she'd rather be in her room by herself...with her head in a book..talking of books... she read Dexter Bexley and the Big Blue Beastie over and over and over so many times she knows the words off by heart now and she does it all with a smile and a "Ok ok ok!! Come on.. lets read it again!"
She's a total superstar.. and not only that.. but she makes a mean cuppa..too..
We did try to change her name to "Put 'kettle on Shona Mona" a few times but she wasn't having it..
What else can I say?? Just one more thing...
We love you so much Shona.. don't change..
and stick 'kettle on babe ..just cos it's your birthday doesn't mean you get out of it y'know!! ;)
I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day... Dear Dad.. Here we are, again.. much like before.. I wonder somedays if I'll ever tire of writing to you..or if I'll run out of things to say.. or if people will tire of reading through my grief and sadness.. or even if you'll tire of hearing me.. and then I smile and remember how you listened through 32 years of my incessant babble and I realise you're not about to stop now.. even if you wanted to..lol. The days are still long and the nights longer.. the minutes and hours tick by and you're still not here and nothing changes and then everything changes.. but still... nothing inside has really changed.. does that make sense? Five years have passed and it still feels like this morning.. Five years have gone by and if I close my eyes I can still see your face.. you haven't aged.. (good job btw!) if I screw my eyes up and think hard enough I can almost hear your voice somedays but only when I don't need you.. when I need you I can't seem to find you through the fog of tears.. I'm hoping that will change with experience..lol So whats new..well..we managed to stop reproducing finally.. although I cant say this is a permanent thing..lol who knows what will happen next? All I know is it wont be me..heheh Shona's about to turn 18.. (eep!) Jake is about to start high school (double eep!) and Simon is almost 41.. poor thing..lol Angelina is a social butterfly.. her calendar is so full of play dates and dinner invitations.. she's out more than I am! The phone is constantly ringing and she's never in the house which is a blessing sometimes cos when she is in there's a child permanently banging on my front door asking if she's playing out..lol Heather is a sensitive soul.. books, books and more books.. shes currently plowing through "Little Women" and "Pride & Prejudice" of all things.. she's a sponge.. soaks it all up and looks for something new to learn.. she's obsessed with all things David Attenborough at the moment.. I cant keep up with her.. she's destined for great things that one.. her brain is too big.. I hope she can handle it.. :/ Jake is.. dry... and too quick for my liking.. the little bugger is sarcastic and quick witted.. he'll do well I'm sure, he just has to get it out of his head on to the paper faster instead of daydreaming..lol. He's so sweet.. sympathetic and caring.. he's gonna be a fabulous grown up one day.. he reminds me of you so much.. Rich and I went on a health kick and shed a load of weight.. I feel and look better, but there's more to come.. and I finally got that contract at the school.. its only temporary until July at the moment to see how I like and obviously how far the school budget will go but it says "Teaching Assistant" on it! So yay me! I love it too.. its so good to be doing something I enjoy.. Your family tree is giving me hell right now.. what is with all the John Smith's in Bradford in the 1800's?? its just rude... lol and add to that his father is called Samuel and I've NO chance.. especially when it turns out that he was married to a Rachel BROWN. Smith AND Brown?? Can you get someone up there to give me a hint or a nudge in the right direction and kick start me again cos I'm getting stuck :( I went up to see Grandma Kath & Grandad Sam.. and found Uncle Freddie and Uncle John George there with their parents Fred & Betsy too! I took some flowers.. they were beautiful deep pink tulips.. I thought you might like that.. Im going up again to check out some more of the graves because I think there must be more of us up there and I was so excited to find who I did that I forgot to have a good look around and see who else was there.. honestly it was weird.. I walked through looking and wasn't getting anywhere and I just stopped, when I looked down I was stood next to Grandma Kath & Grandad Sams headstone.. weird... lol I find it all fascinating.. and I wish I could share it all with you but then again.. you probably know more about it that me now... share some info will you please??? I wanted to come up to see you on your hill today but if I'm honest I was a bit scared.. its a long drive and whilst I don't mind that.. its still an unfamiliar one and with the kids in the car and no Rich (cos he's working) I wasn't quite brave enough, I'm sorry.. :( I suspect Phil will bob up though.. and Simon isn't in town right now but he's planning a visit later this summer so he'll probably pop up then.. as for us.. well, we have a week off coming up so weather and time permitting we might make it then.. it not, we'll make it over the summer.. I was planning to have been across a few a few times this year already in preparation for the trip today but with the winter being so long and the roads up to Holme Moss being covered in snow and closed for all that time, I just haven't been able to.. I guess we never thought about bad weather when we stuck you up there.. I hope you're not too cold.. :/
5 years is too long for a girl to be without her Daddy :( I thought it might be easier by now but it hasn't changed really.. its not easier in any way.. the waves of fear and panic and pain don't come as often now but when they hit its still with the same intensity as always.. there is still that feeling of loss every morning.. I feel generally speaking, that I am lost really.. I dont know if that makes sense either.. its like you left and I went somewhere to look for you and I can't find my way back almost.. and people are changing around me and I cant change and move forward at the same speed.. so I feel a little left behind also.. which adds to the confusion and fog in my head.. I try not to talk about it anymore... there's a feeling that I should be past all this by now, people seem to expect you to "move on" quickly .. really quickly actually, people expect you to grieve quickly and "get over it" and be ok again..but you can't and you don't and the sad part is that the only people that know how hard it is and how it really feels to have someone so precious torn away from you are the people that have been through it.. so the people that are holding you up are the same people that need holding up themselves.. because their grief is still biting at their own heels and their own tears are still bubbling away, sometimes for years and years under the surface ... the circle is endless..and its sad that more and more people have to join that circle everyday.. and the first thing they say when they do is "does it get easier?" and I have to say "No, no it doesn't.." Do you cope better? Yes I think so, somedays I even smile.. somedays I hear my daughter tell her friends her Mum is mean and miserable "but she wasnt always like that.." and I wonder what kind of effect this all has on them and I resolve to make things "better" but how can I make things better for them when I don't know how to make them better for me? I know there will come a time when I will resolve all my issues and feel myself again.. I wish I knew when that would be though.. and I wish you were here to help me.. but then again, if you were.. I wouldn't need you would I? lol bloody catch 22.. Enough of this sadness.. I didn't want this letter to become like this again this year... So.. The good news is sometimes you still surprise me.. like in the supermarket last week I heard a song that made me smile..I know a couple of little people that recognised it too which should make you smile... I probably played it a dozen times for you since.. apologies for the spanish subtitles.. but I could only find one video of the version you like, and so I'm going to leave you for now with this..enjoy..
I lost my shadow today...
