Dear Dad...

How's the weather up there on your big hill??

It's here again... that day.. I want to say "hateful day" but how can it be the fault of a day? That doesn't make sense... So I change it to read "hurtful" day but the day itself is not hurtful.. indeed its been a beautiful day so far, the sun woke me at the crack of sparrows fart shining softly through the curtains as the birds sang a happy tune... a beautiful morning in May, a morning you would have loved I'm sure.. so "hurtful" isn't the word either..

So I settled on "hurt-filled" I believe.. for that is how I think of today.. filled with hurt and sadness.. as last year and the year before.

Yes.. we're 2 years in.. it doesn't feel any different, it doesn't hurt any less and for that I feel pity.. pity for all who are to find themselves here where I sit.. in my "shoes" so to speak (although you know I'm not wearing any cos you used to always tell me to put some slippers on..lol) in years to come.

They who said it would end were wrong. They who comforted with words of "it gets easier" were kindly hiding the truth at a time when the truth needs to be hidden...

It doesn't end and it doesn't get easier and I can't imagine it ever will. Somethings in life are just wrong, somethings are just unfair and some people are just unlucky..

There is something to be said for the realisation of this - its actually quite liberating in a way. I guess I finally grew up lol.. yeah yeah I know.. its about bloody time right??

ok ok enough with the philosophising... here's what you want to know right?

well... it's been a while now, your grandson is at least a foot taller and is mouthier than ever... but he's so soft and gentle with it too.. I've recently been unwell (don't worry its only tonsillitis I'm not coming up there just yet..lol) and he's been taking care of me.. yes.. apparently what I really need is lots and lots of watching him play video games, copious amounts of his favourite ice cream (I'm allowed one too occasionally) and absolutely ZERO homework for at least 2 weeks... if all this happens I'll be juuuuuuuuuuust fine apparently..lol

He's doing ok.. he avoids schoolwork as often as possible and plays out as much and as late as possible and is generally a proper boy.. he even farts on my leg and invites me to "smmmmell iiiiiiiit!!!!!" .. ahhhh he'd make you soooooooo proud..lol. At the moment he's gearing up for his first world cup tournament (well its actually his second but he was a bit little to remember the last one) and he's got his little panini sticker book and he's spending all my money on stickers.. yeah.. so I'm sick AND skint.. this week is GREAT.

Heather and Angelina are doing brilliantly at school.. Heather is scarily advanced with her reading.. she's reading books on a higher level than some of the kids in Jake's class.. he's convinced she'll catch him up eventually.. she probably will..lol
She's still a Princess.. still wants to be a butterfly - loves all things pink and is currently obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.. yes I blame you for this, you bought the dvd. lol. She sings constantly and reads everything and sings everything she's reading.. lol it's funny. she's a joy to be near actually..

Angelina is in some ways similar (the singing) and in others a polar opposite.. not at all shy she's got a mouth bigger than mine and an attitude to match.. ohhh how much fun will I have when they hit their teens? She's hilariously funny.. she says what she thinks and if you don't like it?? well tough..and yet it's all front and bravado and she likes a nice cuddle as much as anyone.. of course she'd get many more if she'd just shut up for a second!!!! lol They're all mad...

As for the rest of us we're all still here.. Fran and Rosie got big!! and James is the tallest person in the world I'm sure.. Simon is still.. Simon lol and Phil is himself as ever.. lol Shona is smart.. which is good cos she's gonna need to be to go do all that marine biology stuff she wants to do and Zakk is like a mini version of Phil.. right down to the grunt bless him.. Little Albie is so gorgeous.. I wish you could see him..what am I thinking.. I'm sure you probably have..lol

I am 2 years (yes count them 1...2.. T-W-O!!) into my no smoking thing.. can't believe it myself and this year will be celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary.. can't believe it!! SOOOOOOO I went out and you bought me a present... cos I'm 35 this year too.. yeah you bought me a car (thank you very much btw) I still can't drive the damn thing but it sure looks pretty on my driveway...lol. I really should correct that.. I CAN drive it.. just not when there's an examiner sat next to me it appears... I know I know.. I'm trying.. I CAN... I WILL... I MUST.... I think i just lost my nerve a little.. I'll get it back.

And so the world still turns and long summer days loom once more...More memories to make, only this time I'm the grown up behind the camera, taking the photos and not the subject standing sulkily in them lol.. remember this?




I did smile sometimes too though...lol



There are days Dad, when all I seem to do is miss you, sometimes I smile and others I cry.. and I think I'm finally accepting that this is the norm now.. but that's ok too.. I know I like the fact that I still think of you everyday.. I don't want to forget.. not that I ever could forget this face?? lol



"I love you in a place where there's no space or time..
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you"


See...I remember all kinds of things..

I love you Dad. Miss you always...and then some.

JenJen

xxxxx

Dark days...

I never did like May.. it's too expensive for a start..lol . There are lots of birthdays in May, lots of family members, lots of friends.. wedding anniversaries etc..

I have problems with May for my own reasons, it's not a good month for me.. it's tinged with pain and sadness and haunted with memories of those that are lost that shouldn't be...

Well a few days ago I heard a friend was suffering her own loss...her friend passed quite suddenly from complications of an illness that they had in common. The loss of a friend is so hard to bear... and especially difficult when that friend is not "old enough" to be lost. So to my old friend Lou I offer my most sincere sympathies for the loss of your friend, Charlie. I'll be keeping you both (and Charlie's family) in my thoughts.

It reminded me of my own sadness (as if I need reminding) of what is to come. Next week will be the 2 year anniversary of the death of my father who was 57 at the time and also way too young to leave us.. I have dark days to come.. anniversaries bring a different kind of sadness.. a reminder of what might have been... of what should have been.

We should have been celebrating big things this year.. I'm 35 in a few weeks.. Richard will be 40 in August (how the hell did THAT happen??), we will be celebrating being married for TEN YEARS (!! o_O ) in June and in September my Dad would have been 60.. a few milestones worthy of a few parties indeed.
Instead what we're left with is 2 big birthdays and an impressive (these days..) anniversary with a big Peter shaped hole in them.. and a day in September that I'll climb into a big hole to avoid no doubt.

and yet in some ways still I feel lucky because things may have been very very different..

On this day (11th) in May 1985 a terrible thing happened in my home town. The main stand in the ground at Valley Parade, home of Bradford Football Club caught fire. 11076 fans were in attendance that day and my Dad and little brother (7 at the time) were 2 of them.

Over 3000 were in the stand, thankfully most got out alive but 56 were not so lucky and lost their lives and 100's more were horrifically injured both physically and mentally.

My Dad and brother were very very lucky and got out quickly and safely. I'm not sure what my kid brother remembers.. thankfully I don't think its much - if anything but I'll never forget my Dad's face, blackened from smoke and shaken with fear.. or the relief on my mum's as both of them realised the enormity of what had occured.. I'm sure my Mum will remember it well.. she might even make a post!!

He never mentioned it but I know it affected him... quite strongly too. It affected a lot of people here in Bradford and today, 25 years after that fateful day the people that lost their lives were remembered in a memorial service in the city centre.

So why do I feel lucky?? Well.. 25 years ago if my Dad had been able to get the seats he wanted that day he and my brother would have been right there in the middle of it and maybe they wouldn't have been so lucky.. I got to keep my Dad for another 23 years longer than some people who's Dad's went to a football match one Saturday afternoon in May 1985...

For the 56 that were lost and the countless others that were injured on 11th May 1985...25 years on, we remember you. Rest in peace, you may be gone but you will never
be forgotten.

"We're off to see the Wizard!!!"

Bloody Andrew Lloyd Webber has a lot to answer for these days..

Our house has been all about Dorothy lately... and all because of this..


Hmmm.. yes, his search for a new Dorothy to star in the West End stage version of the Wizard of Oz at the London Palladium this summer.

(For my friends abroad you can find out all about it by clicking this here linky-poo -----> BBC's "Dorothy".)

So.. my daughter's love it, like all little girls of this age musical's are THE thing of the moment and Dorothy is the dog's dangly bits.. basically.

EVERY Saturday evening we don our PJ's and sit down to watch... well ... Doctor Who actually but AFTER that we continue with Auntie Beeb for the evening and squeal with delight as our favourite "friend of Dorothy" ;) the one and only Graham Norton introduces the remaining girls that are vying for the prestigious prize of being her, in the new production penned by our most excellent show tune writer Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.. (is he a Lord or a Baron? or a Sir?? Ooh.. I dunno actually.. I seem to remember Norton calling him Lord so thats what I'm going with..lol).

Last week we even had floods of tears from Heather when her favourite Dorothy-to-be was voted off the show.. it took her days to get over it bless her.. and this week we lose two more and will be down to just 4 girls left.. goodness knows what will happen when they actually choose a new Dorothy and the show finishes.. all hell will break loose I think..

Lord Andrew is a bit of a national treasure these days.. writing many of the great musicals such as "Phantom of the Opera", "Evita", "Joseph and his funny-coloured coat-thingy" (and many more!! LOL) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he's becoming a bit of a pain in my arse now.

I mean really.. I changed my name to "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" the other day (if you're on my facebook friends list you'll have seen my status change) which was great cos the kids couldn't say it and then Jessica (who wants to be Dorothy) sang that very song on Saturdays show and now they can all say it and I need a new name again.. how rude.

Both children want Dorothy dresses, Toto dogs, flying houses, a scarecrow, a tin man and a pet lion each, an emerald city AND ruby-encrusted slippers for Christmas which quite frankly will cost me a small fortune and not only that but we have had to sit through the Judy Garland version today and I suspect will probably have to watch it everyday now until something new takes its place.. and if I hear "Somewhere over the Rainbow" sung by a very pretty but slightly out of tune Heather once more I might cry.. for real too.

So.. MR Lloyd Webber (a Lord can't cut off my head for giving him lip can he?) I'm a bit bloody fed up now and I think you should furnish my 5 year olds with all the above presents and some tickets to opening night would be nice too hahahah... what??? if you don't ask, you don't get do you??

and in exchange I will provide the amended script as written by my youngest child - Angelina.

For as we were sitting today, watching the film it occured to her that the cowardly lion was not such a coward after all and was infact just a bit hungry.. and she told her "still-giggling-like-a-schoolgirl" father all about it...

ACT 'Something', SCENE 'whatever'

Mummy and girls watching movie.. enter Daddy, sits next to Angelina

Daddy: "Ooh.. are we watching Wizard of Oz?"

Heather: "Yeah it's brilliant!"

Daddy: "What's happening then?"

Angelina: "Well... the scarecrow thingy wants a brain and the tin-man wants a heart.. that girl there, she wants to go home and the Lion wants some porridge."

Daddy (stifling the giggles): "Some porridge? Are you sure?? Like Ready Brek?"

Angelina: "Yeeeeeeeeeep!"


So Andrew...I think this will fit in perfectly to the story... don't you? I await your response.

xx

P.S. Those ruby-encrusted slippers... do they come in a UK size 6 too??? ;)

Don't stop believin'!!!!!!

Enjoy....

Going.... Going.... Gone...

So..last night the end of "The Tennant Years" became complete with the first in the new series of our fave programme Dr Who.

I have to admit (even though it pains me to do so..) that I enjoyed it v much. So much so that I think Matt Smith may turn out to be a very good doctor.. even if he's not Tennant.

I'm still not happy.. I still want Tennant to return but I understand he will not and so I will settle for this new bloke.. for the moment at least.. I'm not so sure about Angelina though.. turns out she's quite attached to the Tennant also...lol



and she may not be quite ready to let him go just yet...



So whilst we've decided to give our Royal seal of approval to the Dr Who team for a successful changeover to the new Doc but we're still going to have to keep Tennant in the conservatory for a wee bit longer too... just to ease the pain of course!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN FAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love a good fun fair.. unfortunately here in sunny Bradford we don't have much of one... but in true Yorkshire man style we make the most of what we've got and on went the shoes and off we went - in the Bradford sunshine which generally looks a little like this..



BUT.. not today. Today we just had a little cloud.. bit cold but not enough to stop us and so off we went.

Didn't take the camera cos I'm useless so no photos of the fair and really we were having so much fun bashing the hell out of each other on the dodgems to be taking photos but the kids all won a prize on the "hook a duck" game.

Jake got an inflatable hammer.. I know what you're thinking... "WHY?" but he had much fun beating the crap out of us all for hours after..look...



and the girls got girlie stuff like plastic tiaras and rings that make yer fingers go green!!! YAY!

Here they are looking gorgeous as usual..starting with - and I'll use their new princess names -
"Princess Heather of Butterfly Kingdom Castle, more commonly known as...Our House"


and "Princess Angelina of Angel Ballerina Land.. also known as "Bradford"



after the fair we bought some of this..


(and no.. your eyes do not deceive you.. that's blue candy floss, yes.. I said BLUE and yes thats about as much as the children would allow Nana Sue and me to have... greedy lil gits.) and we all went home for very much needed one of these!!!



and now.. for your viewing pleasure..and just to annoy my mother, for she is my mother and it is my life's work..nay my DUTY to do so.. I give you this..



yes that is my mother hiding behind a piece of candy floss...

and this



is my mother hiding her chin.. OH How she LOVES me now!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehe..

Smile

I haven't felt like smiling in a long while now.. I do, because well.. you just do don't you? You see a friend across the street and flash them a smile and a wave or a child says something funny and you laugh and with it comes a smile.. everyone does that... what I mean is a real smile, a spontaneous smile that comes from deep within and warms you from the inside out.

They're few and far between, moments that make a girl smile like there is nothing can dampen her day that is.. infact you could probably tag them to the defining moments of your life.

One day in class..ooooh..I don't know, a whole lot of years ago lol... Our teacher (Mr Parkes) gave us all a big poster-sized piece of paper and a pen and told us to write our names on them. He then went round and wrote a comment at the top of everyone's paper and folded it over so the next person couldn't read it and then the rest of us kids hads to go and write comments for each class member and fold it over etc etc. They were supposed to be nice things that you liked about the person and all of mine were about me smiling... Mr P's comment was "Keep smiling Jennie, it lights up your face.", someone else wrote "always a smile for everyone", "Smiley Jen" etc etc etc and the list went on.. I think I still have it somewhere in my box of school stuff.. I hope I do.

All these things I'd forgotten about until the other day when I finally decided to go through that box of Dad's personal papers thats been sitting patiently waiting for me to look at when I feel ready and strong enough to cope.

At first I laughed as I realised what silly things people hold onto as keepsakes.. birthday cards with funny messages in them, newspaper clippings.. baby announcements etc..
Then came the sadness as a life's work became clear, school reports, engineering certificates, and the photos.. baby photos, wedding photos, grandchildren.. all kinds of things in this big box.. all things that are nice to have but why do we keep them? What does it do for us?

Its almost 2 years since my Dad died and still he hasn't left... I'm still finding pieces of his life, discovering new things in the bottom of boxes and I am constantly surprised at how much stuff came out of that little house... I worry it might fall down now without all this stuff in it for the walls to lean on..lol. It seems that my Dad, like his own mother.. kept EVERYTHING.

So there I am pulling stuff out of the box.. laughing at some, crying at others and affectionately cursing my father 'the horder' for me having to sit and go through it all..and then, right at the bottom of the box is a piece of paper covered in that familiar Dad-like scrawl... I think I only noticed because of the handwriting.. because this was a box of cards and photo's and certificates not letters... but there I can see just a corner and 2 words and those words were "Jennie" and "smile".

As I pulled it out and started reading the tears came.. not just a few but hundreds, running down my face as I realised what I'd found were the notes Dad made for his speech for my wedding.

My Dad was a great public speaker. He wrote fantastic speeches (not only for himself but for politicians in his time too.. he'd helped me write more than my share of school project speeches too) and one of the things that people remember from that great piss-up that was the Savage Wedding of June 2000 was my Dad's speech and how he made me cry with his opening line... and so I'd like to share, I know some of you will have heard it before from the man himself and some not.. so here goes..

"Father of the Bride, I have been called many things in my time but this is a first and a pleasurable admission...

In the interests of my health this will be brief. However, despite being such a shy and retiring lad, I still want to say something about these two here today.

Jennie - the enigma which is thee...
Jennie - the child who smiles with her eyes
Jennie - the one who exudes so much love and breathes happiness into anyone who falls within her gaze...

and Richard, hereafter to be known as "Braveheart", what a man - courage indeed...

It isnt for me to offer either or both of you any kind of advice. In fact, in common with the rest of the world's population I'm totally unqualified in such matters.

However, minor technicalities like that have never stopped any of us before and they aren't going to stop me now!

I spoke of Jennie and mentioned her smile... Well she does, she's certainly made me laugh a time or two anyway.

I think of a smile from anyone big or small, young or old as a ray of sunshine and in its own right it is to be cherished and indeed nurtured for what it is and what it means and what it brings.

Keep her smiling Richard and you'll be doing alright. If she stops - duck. But then with the grace and speed that you move I can see that you have clearly experienced what I'm talking about!!

Enough then, except to go full circle and say..

"Father of the Bride" - yes.. the feeling of pride is quite indescribable.. So before it drifts to an end, with my blessing Richard love her and you will feel the full force of her love - and that is something you will never want to be without.

I wish you both all the happiness that life can bring, enjoy it!!"

- Peter Smith, June 24th 2000.



My Dad was a very affectionate man, especially towards me. There is no doubt in my mind that he adored me and this piece of paper reaffirmed that in my mind the other day and so today, I am smiling, just for him...