Milestones.

Well I did it. I've been completely smoke free for 12 months.

I have to say it feels good. I smoked for a long time and we're not talking a couple a day either...

I feel better, I look better, I smell better and I have a huge sense of achievement too.

So YAY me. lol.

Other news this week..

I passed 2 maths exams within 3 weeks of each other. I am now the proud owner of qualifications in Adult Numeracy City & Guilds levels 1 & 2. Something I never thought I'd achieve as I've always been a bit of a maths dunce.

My blood pressure is down by a huge amount - it seems following Doctors orders and giving up take aways and going to the gym (yes I know... me in a gym..lol) actually works... whodathunk'd it?

I had a wedding anniversary.. yesterday. 9 long years...lol

and finally I'm on the countdown to my summer hols... 18th July, Scarborough here we come... cant bloody wait either!!! Its taken a long time to come round again... i need a rest!

anyhoo.. just a short one today cos I need to go shave my legs... looking a bit like a gorilla at the moment and I got to go to gym in morning!!

bye.

white van drivers are the devil...

Had me my first car accident yesterday..

I'm kind of hoping that I'm not gonna start a trend... lol.

To be fair it wasnt my fault.. yes I know everyone says that but its true on this occasion.

I was stopped at a junction trying to get out and some bright spark in a white van wasnt looking and drove straight into the back of me.

It wasn't much fun but no one was hurt (apart from the car), bit of shock and my right wrist is a little sore but nothing too bad anyhoo.

cant believe I've had an accident before I even passed my test though..lol

Greatly Missed

A Fathers touch, A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter, You're greatly missed.

An empty house, An empty chair,
A fathers love, No longer there.

A broken heart, Tear filled eye,
Another soul to fill the sky.

Many memories in my mind,
Some I laugh, Some I cry.

The times we shared, The laughs we had,
Things I miss when I think of you Dad.

Realizing that's all I have to hold on too,
Only memories, Of what once was you.

Missing your laugh, I will never again hear.
That is the reality that fills me with so much fear.

No more smile on your face,
No more warmth of your embrace.

The last hug, The last kiss,
The last "goodbye" leaves me with one last wish...

To have you Dad, here today,
Never to leave your Daughter this way.

A Father's touch, A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter, you're greatly missed.

- Amy Richards.

For You.

Dear Dad,

It's here already. I can't quite believe its been 12 whole months since we lost you. On the one hand the time has flown by and yet it still seems to have dragged too... it's hard to explain really, I suppose it depends on the day and my mood.

We've not changed much really, a little older... wiser too maybe haha, I'm certainly more educated.. your CD collection has made sure of that!! The kids are growing like bloody weeds and eating everything in sight, Simon has a new baby...he gave him your name, but I'm sure you already know about that.

Jake wants to be a chef and a superstar and a gardening expert, he never could make up his mind. He planted the sweet pea seeds, they're growing beautifully, we planted them in September around your birthday and then transferred them from the pots to the garden after the winter, they've had a bit of a shaky start but they're blossoming now... just in time.

Angelina wants to be a nurse now and a ballerina still...she still talks all time, in fact she never shuts up (sound familiar?), has an answer for everything and isnt afraid to share. Ooh and singing!! All day long... it's like living with Laa Laa... again sounds familiar doesn't it.. haha.

Heather wants to be a Butterfly God bless her and her own little world... we still have to call her "Princess Heather" and she's happy with her head in the clouds.. splashing in the puddles and singing in the rain. I wonder where she gets that from.

I'm fine.. I miss you still.. I think I miss you a bit more everyday that shows no sign of changing. I've tried to phone you 4 or 5 times now over the last year.. over silly things too like when the new series of Ashes to Ashes was advertised and I wondered if you knew... stupid really, how could I forget right? But sometimes things are so eerily similar to how they always were and then comes a stark reminder that they really are very not.

Sometimes I can smell you or feel you poke me awake in the night with the one fingered jab to the ribs to tell me its new year or my birthday...or yours!! ha ha. I still feel the breeze sometimes.. as I open the back door or sit in the garden or lay in my bed in the morning as the sun shines through the window, I like it best late at night, it almost feels like you're stroking my hair like when I was little.

Sometimes I know you're standing right next to me like in Morrisons earlier when I walked past the CD area and that Everly Brothers song you used to make me sing to whilst you played your guitar (All I Have To Do Is Dream) came on as I was walking through, so I stopped and looked to the stand next to me and all your favourites were on the shelf, The Eagles, Rod Stewart, John Denver, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Springsteen all of them and I laughed out loud and shook my head. Mrs Bell tells me you do the same to her, like when she's trying to remember something or she cant find a file and then its there on the top of a pile as she walks past your old desk or the answer just comes to her with one of your sarcastic comments following on quickly in her mind. She thinks of you often as do we all. She asked me for a photo of you to put on the wall at work. I sent her the one of my wedding day, your eyes are smiling on that one.. it's a good picture of you and I sent the one above too... just to show her you were always a headcase, she liked that I think.

I'm 11 months smoke free now, don't even think about it anymore and I'm almost done with my driving lessons too. I'm slowly making my way through my list of 'Dad things to do'. Next up is to join that gym and improve my fitness and I went back to school too to finish that bad Mathematics thing I have going on for good. My tutor is v proud already, I have my first exam the week after next.

We're taking the kids away again in the summer, to Scarborough and yes.. I'll stand with my toes in the water for you, no higher than the knee...I know!! haha. I wish you could come with us although I suspect you do anyway really...

There isnt much more to say, the flowers are ordered, Simon will be here at 10am and we'll see you on 'top of the world' not long after that.

I miss you Dad, I love you and I wish you were here. The kids send their love as always, they would have sent Malteasers but they ate them already... they're YOUR Grandkids that's for sure. ;)

Until I see you again, I'll leave you with this.. I hope you remember..

Tinkerbell: You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting.

Love Jen
xxx

I have returned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes yes I know I have neglected you all lately you poor lil buggers but it only makes me that much more interesting when I return doesn't it??

You know you missed me... admit it ;) LOL

"So where have you beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen??" I hear you asking...

WELL... lots has happened actually... I've been a lil bit of a social butterfly lately!!

Yes I have ventured outside!!!!!!! Apparently there is this whole other world out there... and a night time it comes alive!!!! (I know, I was shocked too...) People get dressed up and go to these places called "Bars".

I have discovered I enjoy this activity immensely.. it is great fun. lol

SO... been going out and getting a bit merry with Tracey quite a bit... yes, the boys down the "Turls Green Bar" (or "Turtles Head Bar" Tracey calls it) are overly impressed with my rack. So a couple of bar men are obsessed with teh boobs...whats new I hear you ask? Well one in particular got so excited his beer pump exploded all over me and I got a free pint LOL ;)

what else....

Oooh Simon and Sarah named my nephew.. Albie Callan Peter Smith, a little unusual but Simon and Sarah like that and thats ok with me..

NEXT!

JenJen's off back to school... mmmmhmmmm I am a mathematical dunce I'm afraid so as part of my list of "Dad things to complete" I am attempting to get an o level grade in basic maths... which for all of you young 'uns that doesn't remember o levels, its a GCSE grade C or above.

So off I trot to the college last Wednesday to take the adult numeracy test to see how much work I need to do and I sort of surprised myself really.. I wasnt as bad as I thought, he said I could take my GCSE but they dont do them until September so instead I'm taking a free (yes FREE!! I was not aware that Bradford Council offered anything for free...I think the end of the world is nigh actually!) numeracy course which should brush up my skills and enable me to start the GCSE course in September. YAY ME!

I'm a student... hahah and this time I wont have to lie on the Union card so I can get into pubs cos I'm already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay old enough!!! heh...wait... thats not a good thing is it? o_O bugger.

ummm what else... hmmmm..Oooh ... I'm about to start work on a new project with a friend.. She 'head hunted' me too so I is feeling all specials.. in a good way...lol. But its secret so can't tell you much, it'll be fun and interesting and exciting too I think... good news is it pays... and in Aldi wine too so thats a total winner for me!!! hehehe... so watch this space for details.... of which there will be none.

AHAHAHA I'm going to hell aren't I?

I'm almost done with the driving lessons...thank God, if I ever have to drive up Park Road again I'm gonna cry.... and I have decided to buy a tank to drive the kids around in.

This excites me and so is v. good.

and thats about it at the moment...next couple of weeks are gonna be tough, no doubt you'll hear all about that later...

xx

Happiness is....

This little beautiful boy is my new and long awaited nephew.

Baby boy (or Bob as I am currently calling him) has no name yet so if you can think of a good one that suits let me know cos my brother and his wife are undecided as yet.

He was born on Saturday the 11th April 2009 at 12.30am and he weighed 7lb 8oz. He put his poor mum through 11 days of lateness and then a very long labour by the sounds of it but he's here...

and he looks a little like his Grandpa if ya ask me... I know he looks like his Daddy too...lol

Anyway, he's here and he's healthy and well and its time to move forward... not to forget but to move on... with this new start a new time has begun.

have a drink and wet the babies head... I did ;)

I'll let you know what his name is when he finally gets one!!! LOL

hard day,

I thought I saw my father today.

I was walking home from school with the kids and my friend Jen and her son Thomas and as we came around the corner he said "Jen! Your Dad's on the doorstep!"

My heart stopped and for one brief moment I forgot.

Then I lifted my head to see and expected my eyes to connect reality with the sight in recesses of my mind and all to be well with the world once more...

at first it was fuzzy, it didn't register but I did have to catch my breath... there was a man in a suit on my doorstep that was true, but it wasn't my Daddy.... Rich had been for a job interview and had left his key at home.

As my children ran toward their Daddy, happily squealing with excited delight I couldn't help but wish the last 30 years away... what I wouldn't give to have been that little girl running into the arms of her Daddy on a sunny spring afternoon if just for a few brief seconds.