If you are an old reader who stumbled back here by accident, yes it's still me. If you are new here, welcome to the sh*tshow.
The last time I regularly updated regularly here life looked very different. My kids were small, my marriage was intact, my hormones behaved themselves and my Dad was still here to make me laugh.
But then life did what it does when you're too comfortable and it pulled the rug out from under us.
My lovely Dad passed away and the funny words just stopped coming. Then came a divorce that I'm still trying to reconcile, involving some questionable behaviour from the ex that I still can't get my head around.
Then my children had the absolute nerve to grow up and leave the nest, 2 out of 3 left and 1 stayed here (commuting to uni), then 1 came back and now the other one wants to return to a nearby rented property across the street (she wants to eat all my food and use my water and electricity doesn't she? 😳).
Anyway this leaves me in a quiet house (most weekends) with way too much time to think and I need an outlet.
So, here I am at 51.
I'm a bit overweight, I'm significantly more cynical. But I'm still, underneath it all, a bit daft and occasionally funny.
I'm also almost certain I have undiagnosed ADHD, which would explain why my house is a mess, my brain has 47 tabs open and I can't remember why I went into the kitchen or what the dog's name is (yes! there's a dog now!! more to come on that). So combine that with menopause irritability, brain fog and frankly its a miracle that I've managed to type this without blowing up the laptop to be honest.
For anyone new here, the old name of "In't it? Aren't we? Don't we?" came from something my kids used to say constantly when they were little but looking at my life now - navigation midlife, untangling the psst and trying to figure out who I am when nobody is asking me what's for dinner (although they still do..every day!) - I think the name still fits, maybe even better than before.
Because honestly? We're all just guessing our way through it, in't it? 😏
So, I'm restarting this blog as a diary of the messy, unfiltered, unpolished reality of starting over at 51. No perfect lifestyle aesthetic here. Just raw truth, survival tips for the menopause trenches and a bit of a laugh at the absurdity of it all.
If you're over 50, a bit battered by life and your internal thermostat is permanently set to "tropical" stick around. Let's be cynical together!
Ok..Over to you.
If you're a returning reader, say hello! If you're new, welcome. Leave a comment letting me know you're out there - and also if your internal thermostat is also set to "tropical"
They go so quickly these days.. I don't know where the time goes.. one minute its Monday morning and I'm prising my eyes open and dragging myself out of bed for work and the next its Friday and I'm sticking the school uniform back in the wash again... its all happening in a blink.. we wish it away... all week long waiting for Friday.. all month waiting for pay day.. all year waiting for...whatever.. waiting.. always waiting and never getting to where we're going.. weird.
But then there's a moment where it all aligns and comes together briefly and something happens.. and I want to call and tell you and I cant.. I make a mental note to get out the laptop and write and then I get distracted by something and I never write.. and I always said I would always write to you when I needed to... so why dont I? I come here faithfully twice a year, today and your birthday and yet there are many other times when I want to talk to you and I have much to tell you.. I should make more time for this.. I should make more time to read books.. I should take more time to sew.. to drive.. to research our tree.. to write.. to sing.. to laugh.. to enjoy..
Am I in midlife crisis mode? Is this what its like? Oh I have so many questions for you!!! Not that I think you had a midlife crisis... you were the most dependable person I ever met.. lol.. i dont know.. where was I going with this?
Sometimes when I come to talk to you theres not much has changed.. not this time though.. this time there is much going on...
I lost my beloved Lily.. my baby girl.. my shadow.. I missed her so much I couldnt breathe...I didnt realise how much until I discovered the reason for my fidgety-ness (making up words again...sorry) and my anxiety etc was that I missed the tapping..
I know you know where I am with this.. the tapping.. the sound of her claws on the laminate floor behind me wherever I went.. the soothing sound of her purr.. that sound of 'company'... she'd been my shadow for 16 years.. always there, waiting for my attention.. it was hard.
I said I couldnt have another.. I refused to think about it.. to entertain it..
I lasted 5 months.
This is Jango... look at him!! he's smaller than the tv remote!!!
He was born 22 October 2015 and arrived with us on 21 December.. best Xmas ever.. well it was until I had to spend £250 to take him to vets on xmas day with a runny bum.. but enough about that...look!!!
Admit it.. you melted didnt you?? I did,,
He gave me something I needed.. I adore him and he adores me.. I have a new shadow without replacing the old one.. and ok he's named after a Star Wars bounty hunter but thats ok!!
He brings me joy.. he makes me smile and I love something again.. something new.. and that cant be bad can it??
want to see another?? oh ok then....
He has your eyebrow...hahaha
of course he's a little toe rag and he's eaten a chunk out of the wall and likes eating paper.. amongst other things..
but still I adore him...
He's my little boy already..might have to get him a friend!!
I know what you're going to say... shush.. I have lots of space.. I just bought a house.
mmmhmmm.. be proud.. its only taken 8 years to spend your money but I've done it..
I pick up the keys on Monday.. thank you.. I'd never have saved the deposit..
Fran and Rosie are 18.. Shona is 21.. its been a busy week for milestones.
Jake discovered girls... Heather and Angelina are about to move into separate bedrooms and they start high school this year... which is terrifying to me..
its all boys, periods, spots, make up, tantrums and shoes... It hurts my head..
I wish we could go back and have another go.. I feel like theres so much I havent told them.. so many things still to teach them.. I feel like I've missed so much whilst I've been wallowing in my misery..
Maybe this new house will bring a new start.. I hope it does.. I really do.. I'm so tired Dad.. it's so hard to keep afloat some times...
I'm totally 40.. and sliding towards 41 at an alarmingly fast pace! I need to do something fantastic before its too late.. new job maybe? who knows..we'll see I guess..
Watch this space..
I love you Dad.. that never changes.. I never see the day out without a thought for you..
My Gorgeous girl was 2 weeks short of her 16th birthday, , she's been with me longer than my children..
my heart is broken..
We've been through a lot my sweet Lily and I, I have no idea how I'll cope without her but I know I have to.
She was the great love of my life... Never ever left my side, my best friend...I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without her, I will miss her every day, forever..
Life will never be the same...and I will never forget you..
Sleep well my beautiful baby girl... Mummy loves you. Xx
not literally nothing in the sense of n-o-t-h-i-n-g.. of course, I still have things..lol I meant nothing in a "I have no idea what I'm going to write to you today Dad.. we're winging it once more I'm afraid!!" kind of way..
and then there it was.. on his facebook page, Phil had posted this..
"There isn't a day that goes by where I dont, at some point, think of you.."
and I cried.
You see.. I thought that it was only me that felt this way.. I thought that only I thought of you every single day..
I thought that I was alone in still feeling it like this..
Which is, if you think about it.. completely ridiculous and not at all realistic and in fact.. the most stupid thought I ever had...
You see.. I thought that he.. Phil that is.. had dealt with his issues surrounding your departure and was in control of his grief and his thoughts (and Simon too..) but it seems that might not be the case..for as he says, he too still thinks of you at least once.. every single day.
Its not that I thought it had hit me harder.. or I felt it more in some way. What I thought that I wasn't coping as well as the others and that I should be coping better.. I know Phil saw someone to help with his pain after.. and I know he said it helped and so I figured I was just taking longer or was jsut crap at controlling my emotions in a "I cant help it.. i'm a girl" sort of way..
but I'm not.. fact is,. we all just miss you - still.
Its actually quite comforting to know that its not just me thats a bit shit..lol and it also tells me you were some kind of wonderful because I thought about you every single day for the last 7 years... and so did Phil. I bet if I asked Simon,, he'd say he did too.. not that I would want to be responsible for confirming you were Mr Perfect and thus making your head swell so much that they will need to make space for it somewhere in the Heavens.. (you were though)..
So there you have it.. I had nothing and then there it was.. an epiphany.. just like that.
So what else is there to know?? Well your niece had a baby 2 days ago which she named after your father.. Fran and Rosey are 17.. Albie is just back from America again.. Simon is still living in common law bliss.. Phil isnt having so much fun right now, but I'll keep his head above water until he can get through..
As for us?? We went to LONDON and it was fab! Kids had so much fun we're going again to see everything we didnt see the first time!
Jake is a moaning teenager today.. he's not usually this grumpy.. he must be having an off day.. he's doing well at school.. he absolutely loves History (wonder where he gets that from?) and he's currently making it difficult for me to buy a house anywhere except this bloody village I seem to be perpetually stuck in because he likes his school so much and hates change with such a passion he doesn't want to leave.. this does not please me as I'm fed up of it here and want to move to Scarborough!! (yes really!!) but he's having none of it.. so thats that.
Your Grandaughters are little mermaids!! Turns out they love swimming and have cost me a fortune in extra lesson.. who knew? Still dancing and singing away they're beautiful.. but very different.. both still smartie pants but one loves One Direction and one loves a bit of heavy rock... (apples falling far from trees anyone??) they're all long hair and eyelashes.. you'd love them.
Me.. well I'm on the edge of 40.. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this or where to go with it but I think there's a midlife crisis on the horizon and changes are coming.. I cant continue with this path and I know this now..
Maybe I need a change.. maybe it will be a haircut.. or a new job.. new house.. new car? I dont know.. we'll see.
I need to find something to give me a love for my life again.. I was thinking of coming back to writing.. I think I used to be quite good at it.. what do you think? Can I do it? I know you'll find a way to let me know..
Yes.. I see you.. not all the time and not in the way I would like to but I see.. and I hear..
I hear you in the car.. the song on the radio.. the wind in my face..the messages... the Guinea Pig called "Peter" at the farm today.. the question about John Denver on that quiz show and the answer of "Sunshine on my shoulders"... see? I feel you too.. I know.
remember this post where I said I was going to try really hard to write more often?? yeah that was May last YEAR.. I think I wrote about 3 more posts (and probably all in May) after that.
Epic fail on my part.
Anyhoo.. I'm here again, I'm so busy these days I seem to have little or no time to sit and watch the world go by and so the things that I would once have taken great pleasure in writing about seem to pass me by in a blur of work, cleaning, laundry, school, kids etc..
That and the fact that I HATE winter. I almost hibernate at that time of year.. its not fun..I dont like being cold.. I dont like being wet and miserable.. I'm a summer child.. sunshine, warmth, the feeling of sand between my toes..all necessary to make a girl like me smile... and LIGHT! I hate dark mornings and evenings.. I like to get up in the light I dont want to go to work in the dark and come home in the dark.. I need daylight ffs!!
ok rant over.. so what have we missed.. aaaahhh well... much actually.
we had our annual trip to that favourite place... pics and official holiday post to follow...
we had a win for the boy and his homegrown apples at the Horticultural Society's Annual Show.. and he entered them in the grown ups category so it was an absolute STAR win..lol there were some very unhappy professional apple growing type people not smiling that day..
we had birthdays... September hit me hard.. :(
and then Jake started high school.... look!!!
How grown up does he look now??? its not funny, its scary... and only a few weeks later he turned 12 and his sisters 9..
Mind you they're not so small these days themselves...and they're still growing! eep!
Since then we had Xmas.. how expensive is that these days? The bigger they get the more money they cost!! Its seriously not on..
and its really been round after round of school/work/dance lessons... YES!! my girlies love to dance look see...
^^ that was their first performance at the Eccleshill Summer Fayre - which they LOVED and so did we..
then as a reward for such a brilliant performance they had a party!! Who wants to see how grown up they look in their party dresses???
Think I might need to get me a big stick for beating boys away from the door....
So Jake learned to make "stuff" at school...by this I mean cooking.. of a fashion anyway, he came home from his first cookery lesson very excited.. he'd made "soup-a-cup".
Yes. He meant cup-a-soup.
Cookery lessons at high school... cup-a-soup.. really stretching them arent they?
anyway the following few weeks he made coleslaw, bread and butter pudding and beans on toast... so he wont starve right?? only yes he will.. cos he doesnt like any of them.. except maybe the soup..lol
the he threw me a total curve ball and brought home this..
looks fab doesnt it? so he may still starve but man can that boy dress a salad!!!
he's not so keen on the washing up though...
and so we're almost full circle.. school is out for summer, we've just been on the annual trip to our beloved Scarbados and I'm mentally preparing the blog and trying to decide how to include the mass of pictures we took AGAIN this year.. promise i wont post all 524 right here...hehehe
It's been six years. Six years since I last saw your face. Six years since I heard your voice. Six years since I waved goodbye... Six years.
When I was six the world seemed huge... Actually my world was you... Something's never change it seems..
Six years doesn't seem too long when you just say it out loud like that but when I lay awake thinking of the last six years and the things that you've missed.. well, it seems like forever..
Ok.. ready for the yearly round up?? Let's go...
Jake started high school... :( that little chubby, gurgling baby is now a skinny, long haired, mouthy little bugger with a cheeky grin and a shed load of freckles - which if you ask me, just add to his natural charm! He's smart.. although he doesn't care to apply himself.. he's funny... and usually at my expense! He's artistic and sensitive and kind and caring and awww.. he's just ....lovely. Even if he does like to wear the same undies every day and despite of his ridiculous sock ocd issues.. I *think* he'll turn out just fine.. I think.. haha.
His teachers think he's fabulous, he likes high school better than primary and thats not just because of the girls, he assures me anyway..
I love him so much, he's so funny.. and I know you would too.
Heather is special.. a little shyer than Angelina but still a force to be reckoned with, she knows her own mind and she wont be swayed when she's made her decision.. she's still smart.. I think she's smarter than me already! She loves school and dancing!! Thats their new thing.. the dancing classes.. they love it.
She won a competition to create a poster for the Bradford Aquatics group and as her prize she won swimming lessons which I know she'll love.. she wanted to be a mermaid remember? Well this will be about as near as she gets..she makes me smile..actually she makes my heart sing sometimes..
Angelina is a little social butterfly.. far more interested in chatting than working.. and why not? work is dull and she's still only young after all.. she's challenging right now, theres a battle of wills going on between us and she and I both know she's not allowed to win but shes trying hard anyway.. got to give her credit for trying and persistence too! I know that whilst we may butt heads a lot right now we'll be fab friends eventually and I can always laugh when she produces her first mini me and she's just like her.. like you bloody giggled at me.. anyway, in the meantime I see her good qualities, she has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone, she's kind and caring and helpful and she's better at tidying up than Heather which to be honest, is a good thing because if Heather had her own room she'd have got lost in the mess of it by now...
James grew up...Fran and Rosie are 16 and stunning young ladies..Albie is SO cute!! Shona has green hair.. yes, green... Zakk grows ever more like his father, Livvi is still a beautiful little Princess with attitude to match!! None of this Prince Charming rubbish.. she's far too independant for that... and Halen.. oh little Halen, how fab is he? he's such a little belter.. I know when they're little like that they all are and I know its because he's the last of them all now but he's just so cute.. I cant help being a bit soft for him..
Tracey bought a soap shop.. Sarah went to America for a few months to see how the other half of the permaculture world live! Mel moved house.. Simon and Cam are blissfully happy and Phil drives a big wagon now!! Rich still loves his guitars..and me? well...
But thats not to be.. for now.
I'm an official Teaching Assistant..I got my Permanent contract last month. I work in Reception with the 4/5 years olds.. 60 of them, its noisy.
I work, I clean, I wash and dry and iron, I take to and pick up from afterschool clubs/dancing class/dentist etc..
I'm still here... I'm almost 39. I'm coping... I think.
I wish I could go back to being 6..
Sometimes I still lay awake at night and think of all the things we did.. and all those things we didnt do too..
Theres a relief sometimes that you'll never grow old or worse, helpless.. there will never be that indignity of an illness or the worry of what to do if you were ill.. or how I might manage to take care of you.. and then I get angry that I wont be able to take care of you because I want to... and I get angry that i'll never see your face change into that of an old man.. or i get mad when i hear people whinging about getting old because I know you havent had that luxury..
I still worry that my children will have this to come, this stomach churning ache that is never appeased..the yearning for what was that can never be quieted. This loss.. this grief.. this pain..
I know life is for living and we must move on and say goodbye.. but I dont want to say goodbye... and so I dont.
I think this is why I still write these letters - even though they're all the same and they're pretty much the only time I write these days, I still hang on to them.. as if you can hear them.. I wonder if you can?
If you could then I'd tell you I love you, and I'm angry that you're not here... and then I'd probably ask your advice on how to stop the 12 year old from getting into fights every time he leaves the house!! wth is that about??
I'd tell you I miss you, still.. like I said before.. I think I will miss you always..
I know I didnt make the trip, i'm sorry.. I wasnt strong enough. I'll try again soon..
In the meantime I have to share this.. It was on the tv the other day.. I know you'll remember it..
I have to write a piece for Shona's Scrapbook .. about Shona, using my favourite memory of Shona as inspiration..
and therein lies the problem..
There are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many to choose from.. so where do I start?? I actually don't remember the first time I met Shona.. I know when her Mum met my brother I'd just got married and I was possibly pregnant with Jake when I was introduced to the small person who was to become my favourite niece... so thankfully I can blame my fuzzy baby brain for forgetting the important details of our first meeting.. or maybe it was that she talked my ear off and it was so traumatic I blocked it out?? hehehe I'm just kidding... or am I? Shona is not known for being quiet and shy after all..bless her talkative little socks!
Ok..I think, my most favourite memory of Shona is of the day she visited us just after Jake was born.. it was Halloween and there was a knock on the door - a reeeeeeeeeally quiet one cos we'd just had a baby and she was trying not to wake him!!
I opened the door and there was a teeny little girl dressed as a witch complete with back-combed hair and a green face with warts and all and she looked up at me with a big smile and said "trick or treeeeeeeeeeeeeeat Auntie Jennie!!!!!!!!" which was fine.. but then she gave ME sweets!!
I think that's the only time Shona gave me food...lol Of course then she set up camp on my sofa and helped me eat them but the thought was there and as we all know, that the only thing that counts!!
Since then she's been a constant source of amusement and love.. like the time the seagull pooped on her in Scarborough and we all laughed and instead of throwing a teenage tantrum she took it in good fun... and was rewarded by Uncle Richard getting his own fair share of seagull poop, which we all agreed was much more fun for us. There's the time Rich told her he'd eaten her share of the pie left in the fridge and she almost kissed him when she found out he was fibbing.. or maybe the time we went on holiday to the Norfolk Broads and she threw herself into the task of finding out all she could about the birds and wildlife and then made us all sit quietly and listen as she told us all about it.
She doesn't moan (well not much) even when we went to Starbucks and Heather would ONLY go to the toilet if Shona was taking her..and then she made her take her about eleven times..
She's not afraid to join in and make a fool of her teenage self and jump in some puddles sometimes..
She's patient and kind and she makes Easter baskets and plays with the kids even when I'm sure she'd rather be in her room by herself...with her head in a book..talking of books... she read Dexter Bexley and the Big Blue Beastie over and over and over so many times she knows the words off by heart now and she does it all with a smile and a "Ok ok ok!! Come on.. lets read it again!"
She's a total superstar.. and not only that.. but she makes a mean cuppa..too..
We did try to change her name to "Put 'kettle on Shona Mona" a few times but she wasn't having it..
What else can I say?? Just one more thing...
We love you so much Shona.. don't change..
and stick 'kettle on babe ..just cos it's your birthday doesn't mean you get out of it y'know!! ;)
I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day... Dear Dad.. Here we are, again.. much like before.. I wonder somedays if I'll ever tire of writing to you..or if I'll run out of things to say.. or if people will tire of reading through my grief and sadness.. or even if you'll tire of hearing me.. and then I smile and remember how you listened through 32 years of my incessant babble and I realise you're not about to stop now.. even if you wanted to..lol. The days are still long and the nights longer.. the minutes and hours tick by and you're still not here and nothing changes and then everything changes.. but still... nothing inside has really changed.. does that make sense? Five years have passed and it still feels like this morning.. Five years have gone by and if I close my eyes I can still see your face.. you haven't aged.. (good job btw!) if I screw my eyes up and think hard enough I can almost hear your voice somedays but only when I don't need you.. when I need you I can't seem to find you through the fog of tears.. I'm hoping that will change with experience..lol So whats new..well..we managed to stop reproducing finally.. although I cant say this is a permanent thing..lol who knows what will happen next? All I know is it wont be me..heheh Shona's about to turn 18.. (eep!) Jake is about to start high school (double eep!) and Simon is almost 41.. poor thing..lol Angelina is a social butterfly.. her calendar is so full of play dates and dinner invitations.. she's out more than I am! The phone is constantly ringing and she's never in the house which is a blessing sometimes cos when she is in there's a child permanently banging on my front door asking if she's playing out..lol Heather is a sensitive soul.. books, books and more books.. shes currently plowing through "Little Women" and "Pride & Prejudice" of all things.. she's a sponge.. soaks it all up and looks for something new to learn.. she's obsessed with all things David Attenborough at the moment.. I cant keep up with her.. she's destined for great things that one.. her brain is too big.. I hope she can handle it.. :/ Jake is.. dry... and too quick for my liking.. the little bugger is sarcastic and quick witted.. he'll do well I'm sure, he just has to get it out of his head on to the paper faster instead of daydreaming..lol. He's so sweet.. sympathetic and caring.. he's gonna be a fabulous grown up one day.. he reminds me of you so much.. Rich and I went on a health kick and shed a load of weight.. I feel and look better, but there's more to come.. and I finally got that contract at the school.. its only temporary until July at the moment to see how I like and obviously how far the school budget will go but it says "Teaching Assistant" on it! So yay me! I love it too.. its so good to be doing something I enjoy.. Your family tree is giving me hell right now.. what is with all the John Smith's in Bradford in the 1800's?? its just rude... lol and add to that his father is called Samuel and I've NO chance.. especially when it turns out that he was married to a Rachel BROWN. Smith AND Brown?? Can you get someone up there to give me a hint or a nudge in the right direction and kick start me again cos I'm getting stuck :( I went up to see Grandma Kath & Grandad Sam.. and found Uncle Freddie and Uncle John George there with their parents Fred & Betsy too! I took some flowers.. they were beautiful deep pink tulips.. I thought you might like that.. Im going up again to check out some more of the graves because I think there must be more of us up there and I was so excited to find who I did that I forgot to have a good look around and see who else was there.. honestly it was weird.. I walked through looking and wasn't getting anywhere and I just stopped, when I looked down I was stood next to Grandma Kath & Grandad Sams headstone.. weird... lol I find it all fascinating.. and I wish I could share it all with you but then again.. you probably know more about it that me now... share some info will you please??? I wanted to come up to see you on your hill today but if I'm honest I was a bit scared.. its a long drive and whilst I don't mind that.. its still an unfamiliar one and with the kids in the car and no Rich (cos he's working) I wasn't quite brave enough, I'm sorry.. :( I suspect Phil will bob up though.. and Simon isn't in town right now but he's planning a visit later this summer so he'll probably pop up then.. as for us.. well, we have a week off coming up so weather and time permitting we might make it then.. it not, we'll make it over the summer.. I was planning to have been across a few a few times this year already in preparation for the trip today but with the winter being so long and the roads up to Holme Moss being covered in snow and closed for all that time, I just haven't been able to.. I guess we never thought about bad weather when we stuck you up there.. I hope you're not too cold.. :/
5 years is too long for a girl to be without her Daddy :( I thought it might be easier by now but it hasn't changed really.. its not easier in any way.. the waves of fear and panic and pain don't come as often now but when they hit its still with the same intensity as always.. there is still that feeling of loss every morning.. I feel generally speaking, that I am lost really.. I dont know if that makes sense either.. its like you left and I went somewhere to look for you and I can't find my way back almost.. and people are changing around me and I cant change and move forward at the same speed.. so I feel a little left behind also.. which adds to the confusion and fog in my head.. I try not to talk about it anymore... there's a feeling that I should be past all this by now, people seem to expect you to "move on" quickly .. really quickly actually, people expect you to grieve quickly and "get over it" and be ok again..but you can't and you don't and the sad part is that the only people that know how hard it is and how it really feels to have someone so precious torn away from you are the people that have been through it.. so the people that are holding you up are the same people that need holding up themselves.. because their grief is still biting at their own heels and their own tears are still bubbling away, sometimes for years and years under the surface ... the circle is endless..and its sad that more and more people have to join that circle everyday.. and the first thing they say when they do is "does it get easier?" and I have to say "No, no it doesn't.." Do you cope better? Yes I think so, somedays I even smile.. somedays I hear my daughter tell her friends her Mum is mean and miserable "but she wasnt always like that.." and I wonder what kind of effect this all has on them and I resolve to make things "better" but how can I make things better for them when I don't know how to make them better for me? I know there will come a time when I will resolve all my issues and feel myself again.. I wish I knew when that would be though.. and I wish you were here to help me.. but then again, if you were.. I wouldn't need you would I? lol bloody catch 22.. Enough of this sadness.. I didn't want this letter to become like this again this year... So.. The good news is sometimes you still surprise me.. like in the supermarket last week I heard a song that made me smile..I know a couple of little people that recognised it too which should make you smile... I probably played it a dozen times for you since.. apologies for the spanish subtitles.. but I could only find one video of the version you like, and so I'm going to leave you for now with this..enjoy..
Its been a busy couple of weeks over here at Chez In't it aren't we don't we? lately..
As you know we are now in May and we all know how I feel about that..
Unusually though this May has so far been slightly different than the last 5 in that its been quite fun.. and so I thought I should probably come and share some nice stuff with you, again.. unusual for May I know!!
So.. I have the football on the radio (Bradford are at Wembley!! OMG!) and I have a coffee at the ready..so lets start..
Did I ever tell you I have the BEST job?? Well I do.. recently my job got a whole lot more interesting and I've been able to move into the classroom and have been given my teaching assistant contract.. (yay me!) at the moment its temporary (what? i have to see if I like it or not..lol) but I AM liking it so I'm kinda hoping they invite me to stay.. the kids are great (sshhhhh!! dont tell them I said that!!) and the staff are fab too.. so I think I'm winning here.. lol
Anyway.. last week I got to go to one of my fave places in a working capacity (always good) and we took our class to this place here...
This is Bradford Industrial Museum, a little place not far from where I live that frankly, I find to be sooooooooo interesting and not enough people go there really.. I don't understand it.. its brilliant.. and its FREE! What could be so bad about that?!
So anyway.. the children in our year group are studying the Victorian era and were learning about Sir Titus Salt and the Saltaire Mills etc (also not far from us and a great day out too!) and as the Industrial Museum is virtually on the doorstep we thought it'd be wrong not to go..
So go we did. We had a FABULOUS day!! Upstairs in the very top of the mills they have created a Victorian schoolroom and its absolutely brilliant. There's a man by the name of Mr Ibbetson (Apologies if I spelt his name wrong..) who is dressed as the Victorian school master and he takes the children through the experience of attending school in the 1890's/early 1900's (ish) obviously without all the yelling and beating.. for this would not be so much fun and I dont think the parents would allow it.. lol
The children get to do maths on slates and write with ink and fountain pens and they sing and stand to answer questions and they have to say "yes Master" and it was brilliant really.. I would recommend it whole heartedly to anyone.. I think at the moment its a school exercise - obviously but we had the best time so kudos to the museum for the effort they put in to these educational experiences.. I went to one last year where they showed the children what it was like to be a housewife in 30/40's.. they had a woman there in one of the houses showing them how to wash and starch shirt collars and how to use the mangle..and talking to them about how they used to have to go outside to the toilet and take a bath in front of the fire.. it was so much fun watching them open mouthed and listening to the 5 year old asking where the tv was!! lol
I guess I found the Victorian Schoolroom and the woollen mills so interesting because I got to find out about some more about my ancestors. Having recently been reading the old census reports I've found things out such as how the men in my family were all mill workers or owners.. overlookers, stuff manufacturers, spinners, weavers etc.. it was very interesting to see how things worked and what things they spent their days doing and then to find out that Great Grandma Kathie who's grave we went to see a couple of weeks ago..(see here for post & pics) was actually an Elementary school teacher before she married her husband, my Great Grandfather Sam. Well that had me hooked and I took everything in on the trip to the museum.. it fascinated me to think how her life had been as a school marm in the early 1900's.
I want to show you how the school room looks but a) I dont have any photos of our trip as obviously, it was a school thing and b) even though you can find them on the net there are children in the pics and I dont like to post pictures of other peoples children without permission even if I dont know them lol.. so I will just tell you that if you google the museum you might be able to find some pics and in the meantime I will post this one..
Just to give you an idea of how it looked.. this isnt the one at the museum we went to but its very similar with the benches etc. It truly was fantastic and there's not just the schoolroom there either, theres all kinds of things to look at like the mill owners house, the workers houses, the textile machinery and the motor vehicles.. its a brilliant day out, if you ever come to Bradford it should definitely be on your list of things to visit and if you live in Bradford and you haven't visited already then shame on you.. get your bums over there this summer, you'll be glad you did!!
Ok.. thats all for today.. I got so much to do..and i got so enthralled in that that my coffee went cold so i have to go make another now! lol ttys! xx
Well its been a busy day today for me.. woke up this morning to the warm sunshine streaming in through the bedroom window and a small child asking for food..
So up we got.. much to my displeasure.. what? everyone knows Sunday mornings are for lie-ins and laziness!!!
So having dragged my fat bum out of bed and down the stairs I was happy again pretty quickly when I realised the husband was making me a bacon sandwich (another Sunday obligatory moment..) and there was coffee too (thats an everyday requirement..lol) !!
What to do what to do... well we got in the car and headed home.. when I say home I mean mine.. as in home of the family seat of moi.. that being Westgate Hill!
So why? Well its something I've been meaning to do since I started tracing the family tree really.. a stones throw from Dads old house is an old burial ground where many of my ancestors are buried and I wanted to go and see the graves.. so off we went.
Past Dad's
Which as you can see, has been tidied up a little since the last time I was here..
I dont know if you remember me agonising over the sale of this old place..
I still wonder sometimes if we did the right thing.. although when I saw this morning how lovely and cared for the place looked I have to say I felt much better about it thats for sure.
I do wish I could have sneaked a peek inside though..
nevermind, one day I'm sure I'll get a peek one way or another....LOL
So anyway, where was I?
Oh yes.. here...
Past the old school.. I think my Dad and Aunt went here as children.. infact I'm pretty sure they did because it was only across the street and my Nan used to work there..
In the middle of the road is the crossing island she used to make us use when we visited her when we were old enough to go to her house on our own.. she used to stand at her door and check too y'know!! I was still using that crossing at 17 which is how old I was when died..in fact if I crossed the road there now I'm pretty sure 20 years later at 37 I'd use it too or so help me she'd find a way to kick my arse for not doing..LOL
NEXT!!!! up the little footpath, past where the old church used to be and we find ourselves here.. its old and untidy and the brambles are growing wild.. and the stones have fallen and its a bit unloved but lookie what I found....
This is Fred and Betsy Emma Smith who are my Great Great Grandparents..(my Dad's Fathers Grandparents) and their sons (my Great Grand Uncles more commonly known as my Grandad's uncles..lol) Fred and John George.
and this is my Great Grandparents Kathie and Sam, my Grandads parents.. I was so happy to find them still there.. there was talk that the graveyard may be moved at one point late last century to make way for some new houses.. I'm pretty sure that there were some family graves removed because I know there should be more there and they're not..so I expect some of the older burial sites were removed when the new houses were built.. however the ones that I wanted to find were there so I was happy.. and I took some flowers too cos I know Dad would have liked that..I think I might go back and tidy up.. maybe plant some daffodil bulbs so there are flowers every year.. might be nice.. am also going to contact the council and see if there is anyone I can talk to about organising a clean up..
So after that we had a trip into Tong and went to the garden centre.. Heather fund some heather o.O
and Rich found a bird with a mullet... no i'm not kidding look..
Check out the Beatle haircut on the one on the left..lol.. almost bought him just so I could call him Ringo! But had second thoughts when someone pointed out the cat would think it was Christmas..oops!
So further down the road we went for one of these..
Y.U.M.
As you can see... everyone enjoyed this part of the day very much...lol
and that was about it! Its been a lovely day.. evoked some nice memories and created a few new ones too..
It's been a while again hasn't it? Dunno whats been up with me lately.. don't seem to have the time for anything these days.. maybe i'm lazy?? well yeah but apart from that I'm also incredibly busy right now.. for not only am I the busiest Domestic Goddess ever..(es, I even iron nowadays thanks to my funky new Philips iron that I love Love LOVE..) but I also am being kept v busy at the local school with all things learning AND I'm still at the Zumba albeit not so often anymore cos of the learning stuff..LOL
Anyway.. the school and the learning thing is kind of why I'm here.. in class this morning we (I say we.. what I mean is a bunch of 9 yr olds also known as "Year 4" and I) were learning (yes.. even I seem to be doing that.. ) about how to write a diary entry. We were discussing writing our own diary/journal entries and I remembered how much i used to enjoy writing mine as a child.. even if it was full of shit about this latest boy or that bitch ex friend..lol no matter.. i still enjoyed writing it!! I cringed the last time I read it but hey ho.. such is life.. I wish my problems (that seemed so huge and catastrophic then) were that small now..LOL
So I was thinking, I wrote a diary as a child regularly and I used to write here as an adult.. and it seemed to slip by the wayside with the events of life.. and I had so much fun in the lesson with a little boy who enjoyed the task of writing a diary entry so much when he usually cant be bothered to work that I was inspired.. and I missed you all.. and I miss writing.. and I miss reading back and seeing happy posts mixed in amongst the sad ones too..so here I am... and yes, before you say it.. I realise its May again and I am inexplicably drawn to this place at certain times of year but I am truly going to try hard to make it here more often for updates etc.. I'm not quite sure what i'm going to talk about yet but hey.. we'll figure that out later right? I'm a fly by the seat of my pants-kinda girl anyhoo.. so it should be fun!
There's just a couple of things I need to sort out first before I fill you in on all my latest news and pics etc.. I have to remove some people from my readers list that I don't want to be reading anymore cos lets face it.. if you're silly enough to throw your toys from the pram and throw tantrums of epic proportions as some of my adult "friends" have over the last 12/24 months have then you're too young to be reading here and you should go write your own shit.. I'm sure you'd say your life is fulfilled beyond your wildest dreams anyway so here's a novel idea.. go live it and stop poking your nose into mine.. its not nearly as interesting as you think it is...
HAH! WHO AM I KIDDING!?!?!?!!
Yes, sorry.. my life is that interesting and yes, I really do have that much fun see?
Here I am being drunk with my husband at his best mates wedding a couple of weeks ago.. that was SOOOOOOO much fun..
And here I am being sill with the Greenwoo and the boy at Ogden Water reservoir... again.. a fab day of family fun!!
Here we have been joined by a masked nutter.. more commonly known as "Richard".
Finally Greenwoo and I.. probably drunk again.. lol
Duck faces.. who the hell thinks they look attractive pouting in such a stupid way?? You look silly girls.. then you see people posting piss taking pictures on facebook like this one -------->
Look how orange we are!!! it looks like we're taking the mick out of fake tan too.. in actual fact we havent been tangoed or Katie Price'd or Towie'd (I wouldnt lower myself..lol).. it was the lighting in the pub..it was shit.. so there you have it.. for a fabulous tan go have your photo taken in that pub in Halifax where all the silly old drunks (aka Me and Her..) hang out.. hahahaha
Lots of silliness abounded that night..we're so metal we're harder than Metal Carl..lol... so there... enjoy.
now bugger off..
and for the rest of you.. once I've cleaned up my readers list I'll start adding in the good stuff...lol
talk to you soooooooooooooooon.....this time next year? hahahaha I'm kidding...
Where does the time go?? No seriously though.. where does it go? It doesn't seem 2 minutes since I was writing my letter to you in May and now its your birthday and here I sit pen to paper.. (ok ok finger to keyboard..stop splitting hairs..) with my next installment for you and I dont know where the last 4 months has gone.. or the last 4 years too if I'm honest..
Soooo.. last time we looked Jake was about 3 and I just had a couple of babies right?? or was it that I was about 7 and you were 32 ish pretending to be 22 ish instead? I know, I know there was no 'pretending' it really was 1960 you were born not 1950 right?? ;)
I wish I was still 7.. happy days.
I've been thinking about time a lot lately and I've been busy too!! I'm on the family tree trail.. and I can tell you with a maiden name like Smith its not been easy.. as we know, everyone is called John, Sam, Fred or Mary and I know people think I'm joking but I'm bloody not.. they are all called that.. along with George.. I seem to be finding a lot of George's lately.. anyway I discovered cousin Malcolm (Doris's lad) on an ancestry site and we've been sharing information and pictures and I'm now back to 1740 on your Mum's side and 1797 ish on your Dad's.. its not been easy but its been fascinating.. oh I wish I could show you!! You'd really love it and I only did it because you said you didnt really know much about them.
I found Uncle Billy (the bad un), I found the mills at Vulcan Street in the Post Office Directories - so they really were mill owners! I finally found out, after much hard work cos the council were completely bloody useless I have to tell you.. that the graves from the chapel at Westgate Hill that was taken down weren't moved to Scholemoor like we thought but are actually still there at Westgate Hill!!! But I bet you knew that all ready.. they're undisturbed and *hopefully* intact, I'm going to go down there in a couple of weeks.. yes, I'll take flowers for your Grandma Kath... I know you'd like that..
She had a couple of sisters you know.. one of them was called Jane Isabel, they called her "Jennie" would you believe.. I know this because I'm now in touch with her Great Great Grandaughter (at least I think thats who she is..LOL) isnt that spooky?
Malcolm gave me loads of information on the other side.. he shared photos of Nan's sister Florrie who I could totally see the sisterly resemblance! There was one of your Grandma too and her mother, and your Grandad George and Uncle Percy who I can see in your face too.. and he said something about the "fish oil" in Morley, said thats what they all called it .. I always wondered why you called a fish n chip shop a "fish oil".. guess now I know..
So much to share and not able to talk about it with you!! Well I can talk but you're not answering much these days.. except in the most weird of places as usual. So..next stop is the next best thing.. I'm going to take my findings and visit Auntie Sandra.. raid her pictures and memories and see what else I can dig up..
What else is happening.. well Jake is about to pick a high school can you believe it? There's that time thing again.. moving toooooooooo fast, remember when he didnt even go yet? I sometimes wonder when I get into bed at night if he'll be 25 when I get up in the morning!! He's getting ready to go on his first residential school trip.. they're making him stay away from home for 3 whole days!! What will I do without him? I tell him I cant wait to hear all his news and he'll have such a good time but I sort of wish he wasnt going really.. I know he'll be even MORE grown up when he gets home..
Heather & Angelina just had their birthday.. yes another one.. and its cost me a fortune again. They dont want tea parties anymore.. they want make up parties!!! It's not good...
They miss you, they know what day it is.. they're sitting eating their dinner talking about the maltesers that are in the fridge.. I miss you.. can't you come back now? if only it were that easy.. I wish someone would create a hotline to Heaven.. only I'd be on it permanently whinging at you and there'd be no time for anyone else to use it..oops.
I wonder sometimes if you could talk back, what would you have to tell me? I bet you'd tell me all about the people I've been researching.. that'd be brilliant!! I wonder what there is to know.. I wonder if you ever get chance to find out.. I hope so.
Well there isnt really much else to say..I'd like to say see you soon.. but although I'd love to see you, I'd rather like it to be here where I am and not there, where you are..if you dont mind! In the meantime, I think we'll settle for a trip up to your hill maybe before the snow comes..
