For You.

Dear Dad,

It's here already. I can't quite believe its been 12 whole months since we lost you. On the one hand the time has flown by and yet it still seems to have dragged too... it's hard to explain really, I suppose it depends on the day and my mood.

We've not changed much really, a little older... wiser too maybe haha, I'm certainly more educated.. your CD collection has made sure of that!! The kids are growing like bloody weeds and eating everything in sight, Simon has a new baby...he gave him your name, but I'm sure you already know about that.

Jake wants to be a chef and a superstar and a gardening expert, he never could make up his mind. He planted the sweet pea seeds, they're growing beautifully, we planted them in September around your birthday and then transferred them from the pots to the garden after the winter, they've had a bit of a shaky start but they're blossoming now... just in time.

Angelina wants to be a nurse now and a ballerina still...she still talks all time, in fact she never shuts up (sound familiar?), has an answer for everything and isnt afraid to share. Ooh and singing!! All day long... it's like living with Laa Laa... again sounds familiar doesn't it.. haha.

Heather wants to be a Butterfly God bless her and her own little world... we still have to call her "Princess Heather" and she's happy with her head in the clouds.. splashing in the puddles and singing in the rain. I wonder where she gets that from.

I'm fine.. I miss you still.. I think I miss you a bit more everyday that shows no sign of changing. I've tried to phone you 4 or 5 times now over the last year.. over silly things too like when the new series of Ashes to Ashes was advertised and I wondered if you knew... stupid really, how could I forget right? But sometimes things are so eerily similar to how they always were and then comes a stark reminder that they really are very not.

Sometimes I can smell you or feel you poke me awake in the night with the one fingered jab to the ribs to tell me its new year or my birthday...or yours!! ha ha. I still feel the breeze sometimes.. as I open the back door or sit in the garden or lay in my bed in the morning as the sun shines through the window, I like it best late at night, it almost feels like you're stroking my hair like when I was little.

Sometimes I know you're standing right next to me like in Morrisons earlier when I walked past the CD area and that Everly Brothers song you used to make me sing to whilst you played your guitar (All I Have To Do Is Dream) came on as I was walking through, so I stopped and looked to the stand next to me and all your favourites were on the shelf, The Eagles, Rod Stewart, John Denver, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Springsteen all of them and I laughed out loud and shook my head. Mrs Bell tells me you do the same to her, like when she's trying to remember something or she cant find a file and then its there on the top of a pile as she walks past your old desk or the answer just comes to her with one of your sarcastic comments following on quickly in her mind. She thinks of you often as do we all. She asked me for a photo of you to put on the wall at work. I sent her the one of my wedding day, your eyes are smiling on that one.. it's a good picture of you and I sent the one above too... just to show her you were always a headcase, she liked that I think.

I'm 11 months smoke free now, don't even think about it anymore and I'm almost done with my driving lessons too. I'm slowly making my way through my list of 'Dad things to do'. Next up is to join that gym and improve my fitness and I went back to school too to finish that bad Mathematics thing I have going on for good. My tutor is v proud already, I have my first exam the week after next.

We're taking the kids away again in the summer, to Scarborough and yes.. I'll stand with my toes in the water for you, no higher than the knee...I know!! haha. I wish you could come with us although I suspect you do anyway really...

There isnt much more to say, the flowers are ordered, Simon will be here at 10am and we'll see you on 'top of the world' not long after that.

I miss you Dad, I love you and I wish you were here. The kids send their love as always, they would have sent Malteasers but they ate them already... they're YOUR Grandkids that's for sure. ;)

Until I see you again, I'll leave you with this.. I hope you remember..

Tinkerbell: You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting.

Love Jen
xxx