oopsie.

Rubbish rubbish rubbish am I.

remember this post where I said I was going to try really hard to write more often??  yeah that was May last YEAR.. I think I wrote about 3 more posts (and probably all in May) after that.

Epic fail on my part.

Anyhoo.. I'm here again, I'm so busy these days I seem to have little or no time to sit and watch the world go by and so the things that I would once have taken great pleasure in writing about seem to pass me by in a blur of work, cleaning, laundry, school, kids etc..

That and the fact that I HATE winter.  I almost hibernate at that time of year.. its not fun..I dont like being cold.. I dont like being wet and miserable.. I'm a summer child.. sunshine, warmth, the feeling of sand between my toes..all necessary to make a girl like me smile... and LIGHT!  I hate dark mornings and evenings.. I like to get up in the light I dont want to go to work in the dark and come home in the dark.. I need daylight ffs!!

ok rant over.. so what have we missed.. aaaahhh well... much actually.

we had our annual trip to that favourite place... pics and official holiday post to follow...

we had a win for the boy and his homegrown apples at the Horticultural Society's Annual Show.. and he entered them in the grown ups category so it was an absolute STAR win..lol there were some very unhappy professional apple growing type people not smiling that day..

we had birthdays... September hit me hard.. :(

and then Jake started high school.... look!!!

How grown up does he look now???  its not funny, its scary... and only a few weeks later he turned 12 and his sisters 9.. 

Mind you they're not so small these days themselves...and they're still growing! eep!

Since then we had Xmas.. how expensive is that these days?  The bigger they get the more money they cost!!  Its seriously not on..

and its really been round after round of school/work/dance lessons... YES!!  my girlies love to dance look see...

^^ that was their first performance at the Eccleshill Summer Fayre - which they LOVED and so did we..

then as a reward for such a brilliant performance they had a party!!  Who wants to see how grown up they look in their party dresses???

Think I might need to get me a big stick for beating boys away from the door....


So Jake learned to make "stuff" at school...by this I mean cooking.. of a fashion anyway, he came home from his first cookery lesson very excited.. he'd made "soup-a-cup".

Yes.  He meant cup-a-soup.

Cookery lessons at high school... cup-a-soup.. really stretching them arent they?

anyway the following few weeks he made coleslaw, bread and butter pudding and beans on toast... so he wont starve right??  only yes he will.. cos he doesnt like any of them.. except maybe the soup..lol

the he threw me a total curve ball and brought home this..

looks fab doesnt it?  so he may still starve but man can that boy dress a salad!!!

he's not so keen on the washing up though...

and so we're almost full circle.. school is out for summer, we've just been on the annual trip to our beloved Scarbados and I'm mentally preparing the blog and trying to decide how to include the mass of pictures we took AGAIN this year.. promise i wont post all 524 right here...hehehe 

watch this space....

6.

Dear Dad..

It's been six years.  Six years since I last saw your face.  Six years since I heard your voice.  Six years since I waved goodbye...  Six years.

When I was six the world seemed huge... Actually my world was you... Something's never change it seems..

Six years doesn't seem too long when you just say it out loud like that but when I lay awake thinking of the last six years and the things that you've missed.. well, it seems like forever..

Ok.. ready for the yearly round up??  Let's go...

Jake started high school... :(  that little chubby, gurgling baby is now a skinny, long haired, mouthy little bugger with a cheeky grin and a shed load of freckles - which if you ask me, just add to his natural charm! He's smart.. although he doesn't care to apply himself.. he's funny... and usually at my expense!  He's artistic and sensitive and kind and caring and awww.. he's just ....lovely.   Even if he does like to wear the same undies every day and despite of his ridiculous sock ocd issues.. I *think* he'll turn out just fine.. I think.. haha.
His teachers think he's fabulous, he likes high school better than primary and thats not just because of the girls, he assures me anyway..
I love him so much, he's so funny.. and I know you would too.

Heather is special.. a little shyer than Angelina but still a force to be reckoned with, she knows her own mind and she wont be swayed when she's made her decision.. she's still smart.. I think she's smarter than me already!  She loves school and dancing!! Thats their new thing.. the dancing classes.. they love it.
She won a competition to create a poster for the Bradford Aquatics group and as her prize she won swimming lessons which I know she'll love.. she wanted to be a mermaid remember?  Well this will be about as near as she gets..she makes me smile..actually she makes my heart sing sometimes..

Angelina is a little social butterfly.. far more interested in chatting than working.. and why not?  work is dull and she's still only young after all.. she's challenging right now, theres a battle of wills going on between us and she and I both know she's not allowed to win but shes trying hard anyway.. got to give her credit for trying and persistence too!  I know that whilst we may butt heads a lot right now we'll be fab friends eventually and I can always laugh when she produces her first mini me and she's just like her.. like you bloody giggled at me..  anyway, in the meantime I see her good qualities, she has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone, she's kind and caring and helpful and she's better at tidying up than Heather which to be honest, is a good thing because if Heather had her own room she'd have got lost in the mess of it by now...

James grew up...Fran and Rosie are 16 and stunning young ladies..Albie is SO cute!! Shona has green hair.. yes, green... Zakk grows ever more like his father, Livvi is still a beautiful little Princess with attitude to match!! None of this Prince Charming rubbish.. she's far too independant for that... and Halen.. oh little Halen, how fab is he? he's such a little belter.. I know when they're little like that they all are and I know its because he's the last of them all now but he's just so cute.. I cant help being a bit soft for him..

Tracey bought a soap shop.. Sarah went to America for a few months to see how the other half of the permaculture world live!  Mel moved house.. Simon and Cam are blissfully happy and Phil drives a big wagon now!! Rich still loves his guitars..and me? well...

But thats not to be.. for now.

I'm an official Teaching Assistant..I got my Permanent contract last month.  I work in Reception with the 4/5 years olds.. 60 of them, its noisy.

I work, I clean, I wash and dry and iron, I take to and pick up from afterschool clubs/dancing class/dentist etc..

I'm still here... I'm almost 39.  I'm coping... I think.

I wish I could go back to being 6..

Sometimes I still lay awake at night and think of all the things we did.. and all those things we didnt do too.. 

Theres a relief sometimes that you'll never grow old or worse, helpless.. there will never be that indignity of an illness or the worry of what to do if you were ill.. or how I might manage to take care of you.. and then I get angry that I wont be able to take care of you because I want to... and I get angry that i'll never see your face change into that of an old man.. or i get mad when i hear people whinging about getting old because I know you havent had that luxury..

I still worry that my children will have this to come, this stomach churning ache that is never appeased..the yearning for what was that can never be quieted.  This loss.. this grief.. this pain.. 

I know life is for living and we must move on and say goodbye.. but I dont want to say goodbye... and so I dont.

I think this is why I still write these letters - even though they're all the same and they're pretty much the only time I write these days, I still hang on to them.. as if you can hear them.. I wonder if you can?

If you could then I'd tell you I love you, and I'm angry that you're not here... and then I'd probably ask your advice on how to stop the 12 year old from getting into fights every time he leaves the house!! wth is that about??

I'd tell you I miss you, still.. like I said before.. I think I will miss you always.. 

I know I didnt make the trip, i'm sorry.. I wasnt strong enough.  I'll try again soon..

In the meantime I have to share this.. It was on the tv the other day.. I know you'll remember it.. 

until the next time,

love you always

J 

xx

Shona...

This is my niece Shona...

Shona is 18 tomorrow.

I have to write a piece for Shona's Scrapbook .. about Shona, using my favourite memory of Shona as inspiration..

and therein lies the problem..

There are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many to choose from.. so where do I start??  I actually don't remember the first time I met Shona.. I know when her Mum met my brother I'd just got married and I was possibly  pregnant with Jake when I was introduced to the small person who was to become my favourite niece... so thankfully I can blame my fuzzy baby brain for forgetting the important details of our first meeting.. or maybe it was that she talked my ear off and it was so traumatic I blocked it out??  hehehe I'm just kidding... or am I?  Shona is not known for being quiet and shy after all..bless her talkative little socks!

So..favourite memory .. favourite memory... favourite memory...hmmm...

Ok..I think, my most favourite memory of Shona is of the day she visited us just after Jake was born.. it was Halloween and there was a knock on the door - a reeeeeeeeeally quiet one cos we'd just had a baby and she was trying not to wake him!!

I opened the door and there was a teeny little girl dressed as a witch complete with back-combed hair and a green face with warts and all and she looked up at me with a big smile and said "trick or treeeeeeeeeeeeeeat Auntie Jennie!!!!!!!!" which was fine.. but then she gave ME sweets!!  

I think that's the only time Shona gave me food...lol Of course then she set up camp on my sofa and helped me eat them but the thought was there and as we all know, that the only thing that counts!!

Since then she's been a constant source of amusement and love..  like the time the seagull pooped on her in Scarborough and we all laughed and instead of throwing a teenage tantrum she took it in good fun... and was rewarded by Uncle Richard getting his own fair share of seagull poop, which we all agreed was much more fun for us.  There's the time Rich told her he'd eaten her share of the pie left in the fridge and she almost kissed him when she found out he was fibbing.. or maybe the time we went on holiday to the Norfolk Broads and she threw herself into the task of finding out all she could about the birds and wildlife and then made us all sit quietly and listen as she told us all about it.

She doesn't moan (well not much) even when we went to Starbucks and Heather would ONLY go to the toilet if Shona was taking her..and then she made her take her about eleven times..

She's not afraid to join in and make a fool of her teenage self and jump in some puddles sometimes..

She's patient and kind and she makes Easter baskets and plays with the kids even when I'm sure she'd rather be in her room by herself...with her head in a book..talking of books... she read Dexter Bexley and the Big Blue Beastie over and over and over so many times she knows the words off by heart now and she does it all with a smile and a "Ok ok ok!! Come on.. lets read it again!" 

She's a total superstar.. and not only that.. but she makes a mean cuppa..too..

We did try to change her name to "Put 'kettle on Shona Mona" a few times but she wasn't having it..

What else can I say?? Just one more thing...

We love you so much Shona.. don't change..

and stick 'kettle on babe  ..just cos it's your birthday doesn't mean you get out of it y'know!! ;)

5...?

I miss you
a little,
I guess
you could say,
a little
too much,
a little
too often,
and
a little more
each day...



Dear Dad..

Here we are, again.. much like before.. 

I wonder somedays if I'll ever tire of writing to you..or if I'll run out of things to say.. or if people will tire of reading through my grief and sadness.. or even if you'll tire of hearing me.. and then I smile and remember how you listened through 32 years of my incessant babble and I realise you're not about to stop now.. even if you wanted to..lol.

The days are still long and the nights longer.. the minutes and hours tick by and you're still not here and nothing changes and then everything changes.. but still... nothing inside has really changed.. does that make sense?

Five years have passed and it still feels like this morning.. Five years have gone by and if I close my eyes I can still see your face.. you haven't aged.. (good job btw!) if I screw my eyes up and think hard enough I can almost hear your voice somedays but only when I don't need you.. when I need you I can't seem to find you through the fog of tears.. I'm hoping that will change with experience..lol

So whats new..well..we managed to stop reproducing finally.. although I cant say this is a permanent thing..lol who knows what will happen next?  All I know is it wont be me..heheh

Shona's about to turn 18.. (eep!) Jake is about to start high school (double eep!) and Simon is almost 41.. poor thing..lol

Angelina is a social butterfly.. her calendar is so full of play dates and dinner invitations.. she's out more than I am! The phone is constantly ringing and she's never in the house which is a blessing sometimes cos when she is in there's a child permanently banging on my front door asking if she's playing out..lol

Heather is a sensitive soul.. books, books and more books.. shes currently plowing through "Little Women" and "Pride & Prejudice" of all things.. she's a sponge.. soaks it all up and looks for something new to learn.. she's obsessed with all things David Attenborough at the moment.. I cant keep up with her.. she's destined for great things that one.. her brain is too big.. I hope she can handle it.. :/

Jake is.. dry... and too quick for my liking.. the little bugger is sarcastic and quick witted.. he'll do well I'm sure, he just has to get it out of his head on to the paper faster instead of daydreaming..lol.  He's so sweet.. sympathetic and caring.. he's gonna be a fabulous grown up one day.. he reminds me of you so much.. 

Rich and I went on a health kick and shed a load of weight.. I feel and look better, but there's more to come.. and I finally got that contract at the school.. its only temporary until July at the moment to see how I like and obviously how far the school budget will go but it says "Teaching Assistant" on it! So yay me!  I love it too.. its so good to be doing something I enjoy.. 

Your family tree is giving me hell right now.. what is with all the John Smith's in Bradford in the 1800's??  its just rude... lol and add to that his father is called Samuel and I've NO chance.. especially when it turns out that he was married to a Rachel BROWN.  Smith AND Brown??  Can you get someone up there to give me a hint or a nudge in the right direction and kick start me again cos I'm getting stuck :(

I went up to see Grandma Kath & Grandad Sam.. and found Uncle Freddie and Uncle John George  there with their parents Fred & Betsy too!  I took some flowers.. they were beautiful deep pink tulips.. I thought you might like that.. Im going up again to check out some more of the graves because I think there must be more of us up there and I was so excited to find who I did that I forgot to have a good look around and see who else was there.. honestly it was weird.. I walked through looking and wasn't getting anywhere and I just stopped, when I looked down I was stood next to Grandma Kath & Grandad Sams headstone.. weird... lol

I find it all fascinating.. and I wish I could share it all with you but then again.. you probably know more about it that me now... share some info will you please???

I wanted to come up to see you on your hill today but if I'm honest I was a bit scared.. its a long drive and whilst I don't mind that.. its still an unfamiliar one and with the kids in the car and no Rich (cos he's working) I wasn't quite brave enough, I'm sorry.. :(  I suspect Phil will bob up though.. and Simon isn't in town right now but he's planning a visit later this summer so he'll probably pop up then.. as for us.. well, we have a week off coming up so weather and time permitting we might make it then.. it not, we'll make it over the summer.. I was planning to have been across a few a few times this year already in preparation for the trip today but with the winter being so long and the roads up to Holme Moss being covered in snow and closed for all that time, I just haven't been able to.. I guess we never thought about bad weather when we stuck you up there.. I hope you're not too cold..  :/

5 years is too long for a girl to be without her Daddy :(  

I thought it might be easier by now but it hasn't changed really.. its not easier in any way.. the waves of fear and panic and pain don't come as often now but when they hit its still with the same intensity as always.. there is still that feeling of loss every morning.. I feel generally speaking, that I am lost really.. I dont know if that makes sense either.. its like you left and I went somewhere to look for you and I can't find my way back almost.. and people are changing around me and I cant change and move forward at the same speed.. so I feel a little left behind also.. which adds to the confusion and fog in my head..

I try not to talk about it anymore... there's a feeling that I should be past all this by now, people seem to expect you to "move on" quickly .. really quickly actually, people expect you to grieve quickly and "get over it" and be ok again..but you can't and you don't and the sad part is that the only people that know how hard it is and how it really feels to have someone so precious torn away from you are the people that have been through it.. so the people that are holding you up are the same people that need holding up themselves.. because their grief is still biting at their own heels and their own tears are still bubbling away, sometimes for years and years under the surface ... the circle is endless..and its sad that more and more people have to join that circle everyday.. and the first thing they say when they do is "does it get easier?" and I have to say "No, no it doesn't.."

Do you cope better?  Yes I think so, somedays I even smile.. somedays I hear my daughter tell her friends her Mum is mean and miserable "but she wasnt always like that.." and I wonder what kind of effect this all has on them and I resolve to make things "better" but how can I make things better for them when I don't know how to make them better for me?

I know there will come a time when I will resolve all my issues and feel myself again.. I wish I knew when that would be though.. and I wish you were here to help me.. but then again, if you were.. I wouldn't need you would I? lol  bloody catch 22.. 

Enough of this sadness.. I didn't want this letter to become like this again this year...

So..  The good news is sometimes you still surprise me.. like in the supermarket last week I heard a song that made me smile..I know a couple of little people that recognised it too which should make you smile... I probably played it a dozen times for you since.. apologies for the spanish subtitles.. but I could only find one video of the version you like, and so I'm going to leave you for now with this..enjoy..


Love you always Dad, speak to you soon xx

Er... Wembley anyone??

HOLY SHIT!!!!!  THEY ONLY BLOODY WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aw.. I wish I could see the smile on my Dad's face..

Congrats to Bradford City.. you did us proud!

xx

Shameless plug for my hometown...

Its been a busy couple of weeks over here at Chez In't it aren't we don't we? lately..

As you know we are now in May and we all know how I feel about that..

Unusually though this May has so far been slightly different than the last 5 in that its been quite fun.. and so I thought I should probably come and share some nice stuff with you, again.. unusual for May I know!!

So.. I have the football on the radio (Bradford are at Wembley!! OMG!) and I have a coffee at the ready..so lets start..


Did I ever tell you I have the BEST job??  Well I do.. recently my job got a whole lot more interesting and I've been able to move into the classroom and have been given my teaching assistant contract.. (yay me!)  at the moment its temporary (what? i have to see if I like it or not..lol)  but I AM liking it so I'm kinda hoping they invite me to stay.. the kids are great (sshhhhh!! dont tell them I said that!!) and the staff are fab too.. so I think I'm winning here.. lol

Anyway.. last week I got to go to one of my fave places in a working capacity (always good) and we took our class to this place here...

This is Bradford Industrial Museum, a little place not far from where I live that frankly, I find to be sooooooooo interesting and not enough people go there really.. I don't understand it.. its brilliant.. and its FREE!  What could be so bad about that?!

So anyway.. the children in our year group are studying the Victorian era and were learning about Sir Titus Salt and the Saltaire Mills etc (also not far from us and a great day out too!) and as the Industrial Museum is virtually on the doorstep we thought it'd be wrong not to go..

So go we did.  We had a FABULOUS day!!  Upstairs in the very top of the mills they have created a Victorian schoolroom and its absolutely brilliant.  There's a man by the name of Mr Ibbetson (Apologies if I spelt his name wrong..) who is dressed as the Victorian school master and he takes the children through the experience of attending school in the 1890's/early 1900's (ish) obviously without all the yelling and beating.. for this would not be so much fun and I dont think the parents would allow it.. lol 

The children get to do maths on slates and write with ink and fountain pens and they sing and stand to answer questions and they have to say "yes Master" and it was brilliant really.. I would recommend it whole heartedly to anyone.. I think at the moment its a school exercise - obviously but we had the best time so kudos to the museum for the effort they put in to these educational experiences.. I went to one last year where they showed the children what it was like to be a housewife in 30/40's.. they had a woman there in one of the houses showing them how to wash and starch shirt collars and how to use the mangle..and talking to them about how they used to have to go outside to the toilet and take a bath in front of the fire.. it was so much fun watching them open mouthed and listening to the 5 year old asking where the tv was!! lol

I guess I found the Victorian Schoolroom and the woollen mills so interesting because I got to find out about some more about my ancestors.  Having recently been reading the old census reports I've found things out such as how the men in my family were all mill workers or owners.. overlookers, stuff manufacturers, spinners, weavers etc.. it was very interesting to see how things worked and what things they spent their days doing and then to find out that Great Grandma Kathie who's grave we went to see a couple of weeks ago..(see here for post & pics) was actually an Elementary school teacher before she married her husband, my Great Grandfather Sam. Well that had me hooked and I took everything in on the trip to the museum.. it fascinated me to think how her life had been as a school marm in the early 1900's.

I want to show you how the school room looks but a) I dont have any photos of our trip as obviously, it was a school thing and b) even though you can find them on the net there are children in the pics and I dont like to post pictures of other peoples children without permission even if I dont know them lol.. so I will just tell you that if you google the museum you might be able to find some pics and in the meantime I will post this one..

Just to give you an idea of how it looked.. this isnt the one at the museum we went to but its very similar with the benches etc. It truly was fantastic and there's not just the schoolroom there either, theres all kinds of things to look at like the mill owners house, the workers houses, the textile machinery and the motor vehicles.. its a brilliant day out, if you ever come to Bradford it should definitely be on your list of things to visit and if you live in Bradford and you haven't visited already then shame on you.. get your bums over there this summer, you'll be glad you did!!

Bradford Industrial Museum's page on Visit Bradford website.  <------ br="" check="" it="" out="">

Ok.. thats all for today.. I got so much to do..and i got so enthralled in that that my coffee went cold so i have to go make another now! lol ttys! xx

Lazy Sunday?? Not for me!

Well its been a busy day today for me.. woke up this morning to the warm sunshine streaming in through the bedroom window and a small child asking for food.. 

So up we got.. much to my displeasure.. what? everyone knows Sunday mornings are for lie-ins and laziness!!!

So having dragged my fat bum out of bed and down the stairs I was happy again pretty quickly when I realised the husband was making me a bacon sandwich (another Sunday obligatory moment..) and there was coffee too (thats an everyday requirement..lol) !!

What to do what to do... well we got in the car and headed home.. when I say home I mean mine.. as in home of the family seat of moi.. that being Westgate Hill!

So why?  Well its something I've been meaning to do since I started tracing the family tree really.. a stones throw from Dads old house is an old burial ground where many of my ancestors are buried and I wanted to go and see the graves.. so off we went.

Past Dad's 

Which as you can see, has been tidied up a little since the last time I was here..

I dont know if you remember me agonising over the sale of this old place..

I still wonder sometimes if we did the right thing.. although when I saw this morning how lovely and cared for the place looked I have to say I felt much better about it thats for sure.

I do wish I could have sneaked a peek inside though..

nevermind, one day I'm sure I'll get a peek one way or another....LOL

So anyway, where was I?

Oh yes.. here...

Past the old school.. I think my Dad and Aunt went here as children.. infact I'm pretty sure they did because it was only across the street and my Nan used to work there..

In the middle of the road is the crossing island she used to make us use when we visited her when we were old enough to go to her house on our own.. she used to stand at her door and check too y'know!!  I was still using that crossing at 17 which is how old I was when died..in fact if I crossed the road there now I'm pretty sure 20 years later at 37 I'd use it too or so help me she'd find a way to kick my arse for not doing..LOL

NEXT!!!! up the little footpath, past where the old church used to be and we find ourselves here..  its old and untidy and the brambles are growing wild.. and the stones have fallen and its a bit unloved but lookie what I found....

This is Fred and Betsy Emma Smith who are my Great Great Grandparents..(my Dad's Fathers Grandparents) and their sons (my Great Grand Uncles more commonly known as my Grandad's uncles..lol) Fred and John George.

and this is my Great Grandparents Kathie and Sam, my Grandads parents..  I was so happy to find them still there.. there was talk that the graveyard may be moved at one point late last century to make way for some new houses.. I'm pretty sure that there were some family graves removed because I know there should be more there and they're not..so I expect some of the older burial sites were removed when the new houses were built.. however the ones that I wanted to find were there so I was happy.. and I took some flowers too cos I know Dad would have liked that..I think I might go back and tidy up.. maybe plant some daffodil bulbs so there are flowers every year.. might be nice.. am also going to contact the council and see if there is anyone I can talk to about organising a clean up..

So after that we had a trip into Tong and went to the garden centre.. Heather fund some heather o.O

and Rich found a bird with a mullet... no i'm not kidding look..

Check out the Beatle haircut on the one on the left..lol.. almost bought him just so I could call him Ringo!  But had second thoughts when someone pointed out the cat would think it was Christmas..oops!

So further down the road we went for one of these..

Y.U.M.

As you can see... everyone enjoyed this part of the day very much...lol

and that was about it!  Its been a lovely day.. evoked some nice memories and created a few new ones too.. 

Wonder what we'll do tomorrow??

xx