Anthea Turner eat your heart out!!!!

I am having a rare (and it is VERY rare) Domestic Goddess kind of week...

This week (in my infinite wisdom) I decided to take on the job of MAKING the birthday cakes for my children this year instead of taking the "easy route" down to Tesco's for the ready made variety.

Since the first birthday is in 3 weeks I thought I'd better get started!

So, this is no ordinary birthday cake, no no no... this is the birthday cake of a fussy girl child...and not just 1 fussy girl child but 2!! a twin cake!!

Yes... I now realise that I am completely barking mad...BUT I'm having fun just thinking about it so I decided to go with the flow and do it anyway hahahaha.

I enlisted the help of my lovely sis in law and bezzie mate Tracey and her fab cookery skills ("Ooooh let's make meringue snakes!!! uh oh...they're looking a bit more like splats really, Bugger it, KIDS! Look what we made!!!") and her fancy cake books of course and we're off. Firstly we decided to make a list and hit the t'interweb for the ingredients, then we decided we thought £30 in ingredients might be a bit much so we're off to Morrisons instead!!!

Pray for us....


So that was the cake thing sorted, next I decided to use up some crap jam. I'd tried to do a good thing by purchasing reduced sugar but I didn't realise that by reducing the sugar in the jam production it made it totally SHITE and of course no one wanted to eat it, so I made jam tarts instead. They were a winner!

This evening I am preparing a chocolate pudding with custard for my little man's (Jake not Richard hahaha) pudding as he has returned to school today and I always like to spoil him on his first day back cos I miss him (all together now.... awwwwwwww!!!) I only miss him the first day though.... hahahah

At the weekend I cleaned the whole of the conservatory (and thats a big f*ckin conservatory) and it took me ages and I was knackered... as was Tracey, who I made help me heh.

I turned up Jake's school trousers, fixed his school jumper, put names in everything (for all 3 of them...hate that job) and prepared his lunchbox before bed last night. (I also bathed them and did the obligatory nit-check incase you're wondering too... I just LOVE being a mum!).

THEN I got them all up at the crack of sparrows fart this morning and made porridge for breakfast before cleaning teeth and washing faces and dressing and shoving people out of the door for 8.30am, then I came home and stripped and washed the beds and got the sheets dry before the rain started and now.... now I have to go get my precious son...

I'm knackered!!!

Bet Anthea turner has a woman to go collect her kids...oh wait, Anthea doesn't have kids, heh... she isn't as perfect as me then!!!

Shooooooooopping!!!!

I was just about to say that it wasn't for anything good... but then I remembered it was, it was for school uniform, which meeeeeeeeeeeeeans that its almost time to go back to school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can I get a "HELL YES!!!!!!" from all the Mum's that have been playing "To strangle the 6 year old or not to strangle him?? That is the question..." lately??

Yes the count down has begun. It is 12 days until the new school year begins and as much as she loves her son and heir and her 2 precious princesses this Mummy can't FOOKIN wait.

I swear, between the nemesis child (Angelina) and the devil in disguise (Heather) and the boy Spawn of that Satanic hairy woolly mammoth doomsters monster I married I do NOT know which is worst.

They fight over the tv, they fight over toys, they fight over who has most sweets or who's wearing which lipstick or in Jakes case

"why can't Jake wear lipstick Mummy??"

"Because he's a boy??...no angelina you cannot cover Jake in makeup if he doesnt want you to... no, please stop poking him in the eye, he doesnt want your finger in his eye even if it has pink eyeshadow on it... Angelina if he doesn't want to wear green eyeshadow either......OH HELL NO LADY!!! YOU DID NOT JUST PUT LIPSTICK ON THE CAT!!! ...why does she smell of Valentino?? Jake put your sister down...no, not on her head, NO you can NOT 'drop kick her into next week'...ok..is it bedtime yet? hmmmm 8.30am best have some breakfast then..."

and so on... it has been most joyful but enough already, its time to go back to school.

So I do formally declare that if the lovely Mrs Nixon doesn't open the school very very soon I'm sending the kids to play at her house next half term. There...see how much you like that biznatch!

Beauty school!!!!

Guess what my little madams got up to this morning?

 

 

 

 
Me thinks this having girl children could get awfully expensive!!!

 

which one of you buggers keeps interrupting the Juicy love then?

Its no secret that my brain hasn't been functioning at its full capacity lately, I think a combination of this years events and the kids being off for the summer holidays is taking its toll and my stress levels are rocketing..

I appear to be enjoy myself very much however, in the few meazly moments of that thing formerly known as 'sleep' that I am squeezing in usually between the hours of 4 and 7am (I swear I got more sleep when I was breast feeding twins!!!) and I have embarked on a series of what can only be described as 'steamy' rendezvous with some of the most delectable hotties of the celebrity world!! Yes.... Its fun...but yes I'm being sarcastic too and not all of them are as lovely as my favourite 'Doctor' lol

ahhhhhyes 'tis true, last week I had a dalliance with the lovely David Tennant (always a winner!!!), he's a regular visitor to my night time life though so there's nothing new there...cue *le dreamy sigh* for the lovely Doctor ;) but anyway, over the last few weeks he's had to share me with my bezzie mate Donna's hubby (also known as Johnny Depp), DCI Gene Hunt... o_O ya..not quite sure what happened there (although knowing me it probably involved fluffy pink handcuffs hahahaha), think it may have something to do with that Ashes to Ashes boxset I bought Rich for his birthday hmmmm anyway where was I?? oh yes...and *drum roll* Steven Tyler - I said I was weird.

But this is not what worries me, oh no. What is worrying me is that I am hearing voices. I know I've always been a little weird in the psychic ability department. It's true that I have picked up the phone to ring someone and found that they are actually on the other end of the line having just dialled my number AND you know the one where you dream of someone that you haven't seen for ages and then you're walking down the street (usually with a hangover and looking like cat vomit or worse) and there they are?? Yes, thats me... I do that ALL THE TIME!!!! I finish people's sentences and know what they are going to say and all that rubbish too so I do know I can be weird sometimes but really...hearing voices is one step too far even for me.

So there I am in the midst of my 'meeting' with the aforementioned Mr Tyler and its just getting interesting and someone shouts my name in my ear and I wake very quickly, the dream melts away as I fly out of my bed and look out of the (still) open window. It was that real that I was convinced someone was calling me, then I realised that someone had said called my maiden name and I have to admit I went a bit cold.... there is no one around here that would know me by that name...

So I figure, ok... spooky occurence then and hurry around checking kids are still in their beds and I find Rich snoring downstairs on the sofa, tv and lights still on etc so I put a blanket over him and switch off everything and go back to bed.

Then I have to fight the temptation to call all of my relatives and make sure no one's had an accident or died or had a baby or something equally life changing and I figure that they would phone me so I reach for my mobile and the battery is flat.... I feel a little like I've entered the Twilight Zone and I'm pissed off cos its 3.30 am and I'm wide awake once more and my dream was rudely interrupted by some person shouting at me who is yet to show themselves to me.

Are you thinking what I was thinking???

hmmmm....I wondered that too..

Ooof.... anything else?

I love my family with all of my heart but really... do we really need so many dramas???

The Prophet of Doom AKA my Aunt Sandra phoned me today, God love her she's the nicest lady you will ever meet but I am concerned that lately she only ever worries about the rest of us, especially since Dad died, she's taken on the Matriach position for years now, since Grandma Mary died infact but now with Dad gone she is concerning herself with 'looking after' us (Simon, Phil and me) as well as her own kids and grandkids (of which there are many, mostly fathered by my cousin Neil).

She's a lovely lady and I am in no doubt that she has enough worries of her own without worrying about us too, she's 61 now and should be relaxing having had all her own children leave home!!

Anyway she phoned basically to tell me that we have 'bad genes' and the reason she knows this is because she has been to see her doctor, who she has informed of recent times and so she is having herself checked out. Her doctor apparently didnt realise that Heart difficulties ran in the family... I dont know who her Doctor is but I have a sneaky suspicion he needs to go back to medical school very very quickly!!

Sandra informed him (again) that her own father (My paternal Grandfather, Jack) died at 62 from the same thing that killed my father (Sandra's younger brother) at 57 and that her mother died of heart problems at 73 years old. This lady had a brother AND a sister that died in their 30's and another sister who's son died at 21 due to heart trouble....

he says it 'Oh. must be bad genes'... er... ya think??

Cue mass panic and Doctor's appointments all round. I'll update asap.

We're off on Tour!!!!!!!!

Scarborough '08.

CHAVTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!

The Savage's have been on Tour!!!!

So, after everything that has happened lately and the school holidays looming, we decided that we needed a break. We booked a secret holiday to the Blue Dolphin and we invited Tracey, Shona and Zakk (who was also in the dark until the last minute), at 3pm on the 18th July I picked Jake up from school as per usual, it was the last day so he was already excited about having 6 weeks off which was great for me as he babbled all the way home about how he didnt have to get up in the morning etc.

So we got home, he got changed out of his uniform and we pretty much set off straight away, met Tracey and the kids at Forster Sq train station in Bradford and finally told them all what we were up to,

Excitement wasn't the word for it, I think they might have exploded if it hadn't been for the fact that the train was pulling into the station and we didn't have time for jumping around on the platform!

The first highlight of our week was Zakk. His little face when the driver announced the next station stop, he was shocked and excited all rolled into one! I almost peed my pants giggling at him and he continued with this all the way there so the journey was fun too and thankfully short - all those kids on a train could have been a nightmare!!!

So we get there and we're looking for our caravan, bear in mind this is the first holiday we've paid for ourselves, we usually go away with mum...lol so when we find this luxury caravan that I have paid for Tracey and I dont believe it. It had a veranda for fucks sake. A veranda!!!!!!!!! So there we are standing outside arguing over this caravan which was virtually a house, 3 bedrooms, separate toilet and bathroom, kitchen, living room etc... the lot and Tracey and I are standing outside with our mouths open.

"This can't be ours Richard, its too nice..." say I looking around for a chav version thats obviously going to be our real home for the next 8 days... ut no... it was indeed ours, in we ran and the kettle went on.

"fag?" says Tracey handing me a nicorette chewing gum and heading for the veranda with 2 cups of coffee.

"Winner!" says I.

and so it continued...out came the football, kids kicking it around on the grassy bit outside that was bigger than my back garden and the week began.

We've had a really really good time and yes, I have to admit I'm surprised. The Blue Dolphin Caravan park wasn't really my idea of a brilliantly relaxing place to go with beautiful scenery etc that was going to chase away the sadness of the last few weeks BUT it offered me something else... something that I'm glad I accepted now.

It offered me the chance to watch my children go wild and have fun and mental they did go too!!!

I didnt have to do anything if I didnt want to, or I could join in. I could take my children to places that my father took me at their age, I could watch them enjoy how I'd enjoyed and I could create memories with them that they will always remember... bit like he did with me.

And it was nice, I mixed my old memories with the new ones I was making... the first time I stepped on to Scarborough beach in I don't know how many years and the sights that took my breath away, the scenery WAS beautiful and I DID remember and I also felt at home too..as well as the return of that familiar feeling I get when that cool breeze touches my cheeks and blows the hair from my face. Maybe he was there with us... maybe not, I don't know but either way my shoulders released some of the tense knots they were holding if only for a few days.

There were moments when I thought it was too soon and I felt guilt for enjoying myself and I maybe shouldn't have gone, like standing on the wet beach with bare feet at Filey with the waves gently bathing my toes and then sharply pulling back away from me I did wish that they would take me with them and just wash me away... but only for a second... probably due to the fact that a certain naked blond child (also known as Zakk) was stood next to me peeing in the sea and bringing me back down to Earth again as only a child could know how lol.

I think my one of my favourite parts was flying the kite on the grassy hill behind the park. The clouds parted and the late afternoon sun's rays shone down like a scene from a heavenly painting... it was truly beautiful and eerily calming for me.

Maybe there were 9 of us there that week, instead of 8 we paid for...heh don't tell the Blue Dolphin!! ;)

Am I a chav? Hell yes it looks that way, I think I shall call the kids Jason, Kylie and Dannii in future and I shall be known as Shaz!!!

Was it worth it? read up... do i need to answer?

Would we go again?? Definitely.... watch this space!

xx

super specialist non smoking type person in the world....

YES I AM!!!

Went to see Joanne, the "lady that teaches you not to smoke" haha yes, I am back at school...non smoking school!!

So, 2 weeks ago when I first saw her she did the dreaded Carbon Monoxide test, you hold your breath for 15 seconds and then blow into the little breathalizer-type thing until your lungs are totally empty and it counts how much there is in your blood.

0-5 = non smoker, 5-10 = light smoker, 10 - 15 = average smoker & 15 - 20 = Heavy smoker.

well... my first reading was 35.

yes thats right, I said 35...

OFF THE BLOODY SCALE!!!!!!

worried??? nah I wasn't really, well not until she went pale and said "erm... thats a bit high Mrs Savage" !!!!! I was a teenyweeny bit more worried after that but seeing as I'm double-hard bitch I coped quite well...hardly a sign of panic at all!

Anywho, this week I go and see Joanne again, I hold my breath for 15 seconds and blow into the tube and the little digital counter doesn't move.

"Joanne its...it's not working... it's broken." say I shaking the machine and holding it to my ear.. "mine is broken... I brokededed it!!!" I say as she prises it from my stressed little hand and then I give out a big sigh....

"No Jennie, its not broken...you have no Carbon Monoxide in your blood."

and as my mouth falls open she says with a smile "its off the right end of the scale this time!"

so I'm 2 weeks in and pretty proud of me and my kids are proud of me and my hubby is proud of me and my friends and family are proud of me and I think my Dad would be too!

2 weeks down and only the rest of my life to go!!!!!!!!!!!!

piece of f*ckin piss.... ;)

as I'm sure I said already, I am the super specialist non smoking type person in the world ever - yes I AM!

xx