Ooof.... anything else?

I love my family with all of my heart but really... do we really need so many dramas???

The Prophet of Doom AKA my Aunt Sandra phoned me today, God love her she's the nicest lady you will ever meet but I am concerned that lately she only ever worries about the rest of us, especially since Dad died, she's taken on the Matriach position for years now, since Grandma Mary died infact but now with Dad gone she is concerning herself with 'looking after' us (Simon, Phil and me) as well as her own kids and grandkids (of which there are many, mostly fathered by my cousin Neil).

She's a lovely lady and I am in no doubt that she has enough worries of her own without worrying about us too, she's 61 now and should be relaxing having had all her own children leave home!!

Anyway she phoned basically to tell me that we have 'bad genes' and the reason she knows this is because she has been to see her doctor, who she has informed of recent times and so she is having herself checked out. Her doctor apparently didnt realise that Heart difficulties ran in the family... I dont know who her Doctor is but I have a sneaky suspicion he needs to go back to medical school very very quickly!!

Sandra informed him (again) that her own father (My paternal Grandfather, Jack) died at 62 from the same thing that killed my father (Sandra's younger brother) at 57 and that her mother died of heart problems at 73 years old. This lady had a brother AND a sister that died in their 30's and another sister who's son died at 21 due to heart trouble....

he says it 'Oh. must be bad genes'... er... ya think??

Cue mass panic and Doctor's appointments all round. I'll update asap.

We're off on Tour!!!!!!!!

Scarborough '08.

CHAVTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!

The Savage's have been on Tour!!!!

So, after everything that has happened lately and the school holidays looming, we decided that we needed a break. We booked a secret holiday to the Blue Dolphin and we invited Tracey, Shona and Zakk (who was also in the dark until the last minute), at 3pm on the 18th July I picked Jake up from school as per usual, it was the last day so he was already excited about having 6 weeks off which was great for me as he babbled all the way home about how he didnt have to get up in the morning etc.

So we got home, he got changed out of his uniform and we pretty much set off straight away, met Tracey and the kids at Forster Sq train station in Bradford and finally told them all what we were up to,

Excitement wasn't the word for it, I think they might have exploded if it hadn't been for the fact that the train was pulling into the station and we didn't have time for jumping around on the platform!

The first highlight of our week was Zakk. His little face when the driver announced the next station stop, he was shocked and excited all rolled into one! I almost peed my pants giggling at him and he continued with this all the way there so the journey was fun too and thankfully short - all those kids on a train could have been a nightmare!!!

So we get there and we're looking for our caravan, bear in mind this is the first holiday we've paid for ourselves, we usually go away with mum...lol so when we find this luxury caravan that I have paid for Tracey and I dont believe it. It had a veranda for fucks sake. A veranda!!!!!!!!! So there we are standing outside arguing over this caravan which was virtually a house, 3 bedrooms, separate toilet and bathroom, kitchen, living room etc... the lot and Tracey and I are standing outside with our mouths open.

"This can't be ours Richard, its too nice..." say I looking around for a chav version thats obviously going to be our real home for the next 8 days... ut no... it was indeed ours, in we ran and the kettle went on.

"fag?" says Tracey handing me a nicorette chewing gum and heading for the veranda with 2 cups of coffee.

"Winner!" says I.

and so it continued...out came the football, kids kicking it around on the grassy bit outside that was bigger than my back garden and the week began.

We've had a really really good time and yes, I have to admit I'm surprised. The Blue Dolphin Caravan park wasn't really my idea of a brilliantly relaxing place to go with beautiful scenery etc that was going to chase away the sadness of the last few weeks BUT it offered me something else... something that I'm glad I accepted now.

It offered me the chance to watch my children go wild and have fun and mental they did go too!!!

I didnt have to do anything if I didnt want to, or I could join in. I could take my children to places that my father took me at their age, I could watch them enjoy how I'd enjoyed and I could create memories with them that they will always remember... bit like he did with me.

And it was nice, I mixed my old memories with the new ones I was making... the first time I stepped on to Scarborough beach in I don't know how many years and the sights that took my breath away, the scenery WAS beautiful and I DID remember and I also felt at home too..as well as the return of that familiar feeling I get when that cool breeze touches my cheeks and blows the hair from my face. Maybe he was there with us... maybe not, I don't know but either way my shoulders released some of the tense knots they were holding if only for a few days.

There were moments when I thought it was too soon and I felt guilt for enjoying myself and I maybe shouldn't have gone, like standing on the wet beach with bare feet at Filey with the waves gently bathing my toes and then sharply pulling back away from me I did wish that they would take me with them and just wash me away... but only for a second... probably due to the fact that a certain naked blond child (also known as Zakk) was stood next to me peeing in the sea and bringing me back down to Earth again as only a child could know how lol.

I think my one of my favourite parts was flying the kite on the grassy hill behind the park. The clouds parted and the late afternoon sun's rays shone down like a scene from a heavenly painting... it was truly beautiful and eerily calming for me.

Maybe there were 9 of us there that week, instead of 8 we paid for...heh don't tell the Blue Dolphin!! ;)

Am I a chav? Hell yes it looks that way, I think I shall call the kids Jason, Kylie and Dannii in future and I shall be known as Shaz!!!

Was it worth it? read up... do i need to answer?

Would we go again?? Definitely.... watch this space!

xx

super specialist non smoking type person in the world....

YES I AM!!!

Went to see Joanne, the "lady that teaches you not to smoke" haha yes, I am back at school...non smoking school!!

So, 2 weeks ago when I first saw her she did the dreaded Carbon Monoxide test, you hold your breath for 15 seconds and then blow into the little breathalizer-type thing until your lungs are totally empty and it counts how much there is in your blood.

0-5 = non smoker, 5-10 = light smoker, 10 - 15 = average smoker & 15 - 20 = Heavy smoker.

well... my first reading was 35.

yes thats right, I said 35...

OFF THE BLOODY SCALE!!!!!!

worried??? nah I wasn't really, well not until she went pale and said "erm... thats a bit high Mrs Savage" !!!!! I was a teenyweeny bit more worried after that but seeing as I'm double-hard bitch I coped quite well...hardly a sign of panic at all!

Anywho, this week I go and see Joanne again, I hold my breath for 15 seconds and blow into the tube and the little digital counter doesn't move.

"Joanne its...it's not working... it's broken." say I shaking the machine and holding it to my ear.. "mine is broken... I brokededed it!!!" I say as she prises it from my stressed little hand and then I give out a big sigh....

"No Jennie, its not broken...you have no Carbon Monoxide in your blood."

and as my mouth falls open she says with a smile "its off the right end of the scale this time!"

so I'm 2 weeks in and pretty proud of me and my kids are proud of me and my hubby is proud of me and my friends and family are proud of me and I think my Dad would be too!

2 weeks down and only the rest of my life to go!!!!!!!!!!!!

piece of f*ckin piss.... ;)

as I'm sure I said already, I am the super specialist non smoking type person in the world ever - yes I AM!

xx

life after Dad

Well I can honestly say that little has happened in the weeks since I lost my Dad, thankfully things are quiet and I'm slowly easing myself in to a life without him. It's strange to think that he's not here anymore and in fact somedays I forget myself, pick up the phone to call him or smile at something and make a mental note to tell him during his visit at the weekend....

Sunday's are hard but are continuing as they do, Sunday mornings are taken up with swimming with Jake and Zakk in the local pool, its fun and practical too, all children need to learn to swim and as my Dad was a great swimmer it's appropriate I feel.

We managed to kill all 3 of our fish - I have no idea how, I figured the cat would eat them within a few days of us putting them in the tank but she didn't really notice them, they died anyway though, something wrong in the water or they ate too much or whatever, the kids were GUTTED but they enjoyed Daddy flushing them down the toilet, they figured Grandad Peter would look after them in 'Heavens' (sorry Dad!! lol) and we would just go and replace them...hahah.

Simon came up last week and we scattered Dad's ashes at "The top of the world" (more commonly known as Holme Moss just above Holmfirth, Huddersfield). Simon made me walk through a Peat bog (sp?) in my fabulous Next trainers and climb over a rusty barbed wire fence (using the reasoning that Dad would be mortified if he blew the wrong way into Derbyshire instead of across the Yorkshire fields!!) to get to a nice quiet bit where we laid the white and red rose that Mrs Bell sent to us and we emptied the ashes. Phil unfortunately got completely covered in 'Dad' and looked a bit like a dusty gnome (with that silly beard of his) standing on top of the hill but we were all laughing and I think we're all eternally convinced that Dad did it on purpose and would have been howling along with us. It was a great place to go and take him, he used to take us there when we were kids, it's still as beautiful as it ever was and he would have loved it and it's also a place where I can go sometimes if I need to and maybe take the kids too. I'd like to be scattered there myself I think, close to my Daddy and high above that beautiful scenery, it's pretty special, I shall have to search for some google pictures so you can all see.

Other than that things are pretty much the same, school, home, sleep, school, home, sleep etc.. every so often I feel normal again, but just for a second or 2 and then its back to the emptiness that is rapidly becoming usual to me. I dont know when it ends or even if it will... maybe I'll always feel like this, I think thats a big fear - that I might never be truly happy again or that I have changed beyond repair. I often feel like I'm losing my marbles...lol nothing new with that though!!

Anyway, onwards I must continue, whether I want to or not.

xx

If I had 5 more minutes what would I say?

Dear Dad

I think this is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to write. In fact the whole thing is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do and I gave birth to 2 babies on the same night, that was a walk in the park compared to the pain I've felt for the last 10 days.

So many things to say, so many memories to think about & writing them down is so hard & there's so little time, please know I remember so many little things, its hard to know what to put down here and what to leave out. I'm sorry is there are special memories that you have that I forget, my head is so fuzzy right now.

I want to tell you that I'm quitting smoking. I have an appointment on 17th June at the smokers clinic & I'm trying to get my weight down too. I know how important a parent is to a child and I have a responsibility to look after myself for your Grandchildren, they miss you by the way and Jake is taking up the trumpet!! (Simon gave it to him). Anyway, I owe it to them and to you to be healthier than I am and so I'm on it.

I still cant believe you're not here anymore, that I cant phone you or hear you say "Jen Jen!!" anymore, its weird thats for sure. If I still talk to you can you hear me? Is the wind that blows gently on my face in the garden you trying to comfort me? I hope it is. I keep leaving the bedroom window open because of that breeze, almost as if you'll stay with me as long as you can, but I know that you cant really and I know I have to face that too.

I'm 33 on Tuesday and I dont know where its gone. I know that there wasnt enough time, that I needed you longer. I want you here with me and I'm scared of what my life will be without you in it. I miss you so much Daddy, I can't describe it (& thats not just because I cant see right now for the tears in my eyes ha ha!).

I decided not to have anymore children, I know how it feels not to remember your Grandad and I dont want that for mine so we talk about you often already - they will remember you Dad, I promise.

So I'm watching the football (ENG 0 - 0 USA, so far) and I hae a large gin and I'm ready to remember. I chose Jon Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders" for the service, Simon chose Rodrigo and Phil is considering "Freebird" or "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC!! Not so sure about that one but no doubt you would have laughed.

So whilst thinking I came up with this.....

Id I had 5 more minutes with you what would I say?

Well I'd probably say "Remember when..."

I remember a book, everynight before bed. I remember you couldn't miss a sentence or a page because Simon and I knew all the words...I cant remember its name though, something about a fire engine? I know we loved it though.

I remember digging the patio for about 15 years -ish!! every summer and always the same trench, Simon told me there were crocodiles in it and Phil and I wouldnt go in the garden unless you'd checked it.

I remember strawberry picking in and long, hot summers and you planted a patch at the bottom of the garden and we ate them all before you could pick them!

I remember plastic snakes and hiding your eyes from the tv and giggles and tears of laughter at Delboy, Rodney & Uncle Albert's antics every week.

I remember you smiling and happy and relaxed and I remember always being and feeling loved so very much.

You were my taxi ("Just phone me, I'll be there to pick you up"), my best friend, my Daddy - the voice of reason and sanity and fun too. My calming, reassuring influence, my stability.... I don't know how I'll ever manage without out you or how I'll give my own children what you gave me Dad without you here to guide me. You were my everything and I'm so sad here on my own. Its so hard....

Little Shop of Horrors ("FEED ME SEYMOUR!!!"), La Boheme, La Traviatta, Cavelleria Rusticana, Eric Clapton, The Eagles! We saw so many things together and I loved all of them, it was such a priviledge to be your 'date' to such special places.

I remember my wedding, you looked so proud. You said I'd never looked so lovely than that moment you walked through the door. Your speech made me cry, in fact I think I was bawling before you'd even opened your mouth!

Then there was my baby, my Jake, a grandson to play rugby for the bulldogs!! You made me promise that day late in my pregnancy when Rich's Dad took us to Blackpool to get back across the border into Yorkshire at all costs if my waters broke. "He cant play cricket for the county if he's born on t'other side Jennie!" you said, you also said I had to hold my breath all day to avoid breathing that "weird air from over ther, it'll make him funny y'know!"
You saw his scan, KNEW he was a boy before anyone else, I know you were proud and I think I saw a tear in your eye although I pretended not to notice, I dont know why.

After that you took that photo of my huge bump to show him what he did to me when he was grown, I havent found it yet....
The bottle of champagne you brought me the day he was born still sits in the cupboard waiting for his 18th, you were supposed to share it with us, guess I'll have to have yours now!

Funny things keep popping nto my head "Maltesers are NOT for sharing with greedy little buggers!!", "warpeared", "Eejit", "I heard that.....pardon?". Silly jokes with dodgy punchlines, "The ONE finger!!!!!!" tickling game, battering the reflexes in my knees with a swift jab of your hand, playfully arguing with my friend Ali over her "halfbreed status" cos her mum was from Oldham and her Dad from Barnsley.
Long summers at the cricket club, dancing around the room pretending to be Mick Jagger, phoning my Gran to see what year you were born and her saying 1960 instead of 1950 and you kept that up ALL of my life!!!!!
Boiled eggs and toasted soldiers and Hotdogs whilst watching the footy scores (its ENG 1 - 0 USA by the way)

So many things and not enough time, I enjoyed it all though and I wouldnt change any of it, except you leaving me now.

People keep telling me that you must have been one hell of a man to have raised 3 kids as compassionate, kind and caring as we are and I tell them that you were all that and so very much more, irreplaceable.

You taught me how to love you by the way that you loved me, I'm so proud to have known you, been part of you and to have loved and been loved by you.

So may people have said so many nice things about you, I found Gordon and Christine Pinder and Barry eal on t'internet and Mrs Bell (who you were right about - LOVELY WOMAN!), they all miss you

Remember that place you used to take us when we were little? "The Top of the World" you called it. Thats where we're taking you Dad, thats where I have to leave you. I cant bear to think of you as gone and I dont want to but at least I have somewhere I can take the kids or go there when I miss you most and on special days maybe.

We're planting a rose bush (white of course) in the garden and the kids are releasing some balloons with messages for you on them so you can catch them and read them in "heavens" (thats an Angelina-ism for you) & Jake wants to plant the sweet peas too. Heather wants you to know that they're getting a fish each and hers is called Alicia and Jakes is Bubbly and Angie's is Dora, they dont really understand it all, which is probably a good thing really.

And so onwards to tomorrow and the future beyond it, scary as it is I know I have to.

Your life will continue in my head and in my heart and mind our memories will always be.

Remember this, I love you forever and that will never leave either of us. Thank you for being who you were.

Thank you for everything Dad.

Eternally yours
Lots of love

Jen Jen
xxx

p.s I've enclosed some photos so you dont forget what we look like, its so hard to picture your face I thought you might have the same problem... love you. xxx

p.p.s Final score England 2 - 0 USA, thought you might appreciate that one!!

Bye Daddy.

xxx

Dad

Peter John Smith
24 Sept 1950 - 19 May 2008.

You taught me how to love you by the way that you loved me.
With kind and gentle nurturing showed me what you could see.
You gave to me through who you were the gift of who I am.
Your pride in me is now my pride, your faith shows me "I can".
Your life will not end with your death nor will it end with mine,
For all the lives I touch, you touch and so on for all time.


Miss you already, love you always.

Jen

xxx

I have this little sister Lola....

Lina (or "Lola" as she should be known as) has gained an imaginary friend.

HER name is "Alexander", I thought at first she meant "Alexandra" but she insists its "Alexander" even though she's a girl.

They're the same age although Alex has brown hair and eyes and they're "bestest everer friendses Mummy!".

So there she sits chatting away in her little voice to her friend, they talk about everything... even the weather and no one else can see her except Angelina - no not even Heather, who is finding this increasingly frustrating because she swears she can see her too.

I'm not too worried, I know many children have imaginary friends... Jake even chats to his playstation (yes..thats weird!) and Heather just talks to herself really...lol.

She hasn't taken too long to work out that she can blame her new found invisible friend for all the naughty things she does too. She made sure to tell me that its Alex who never puts the toys away and its Alex who turns off the plug socket switch that has my alarm plugged into it (she keeps making everyone late for school and I have to explain that my 3 yr old's imaginary friend cut the power to the alarm... its not fun) and apparently its Alex that likes to use a whole roll of toilet paper to wipe her teeny imaginary butt on too....

I may have to find a way to make Alex pay for it too.


So Jake has decided that his youngest sister is in fact Lola from "Charlie and Lola", the kids programme on CBeebies and I have to admit there are striking similarities!! Anyhow, he's decided to call her Lola from now on and it seems it may be beginning to stick... poor kid!!

I think I might have to hide the Charlie and Lola books before she gets any worse!!!