If I had 5 more minutes what would I say?

Dear Dad

I think this is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to write. In fact the whole thing is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do and I gave birth to 2 babies on the same night, that was a walk in the park compared to the pain I've felt for the last 10 days.

So many things to say, so many memories to think about & writing them down is so hard & there's so little time, please know I remember so many little things, its hard to know what to put down here and what to leave out. I'm sorry is there are special memories that you have that I forget, my head is so fuzzy right now.

I want to tell you that I'm quitting smoking. I have an appointment on 17th June at the smokers clinic & I'm trying to get my weight down too. I know how important a parent is to a child and I have a responsibility to look after myself for your Grandchildren, they miss you by the way and Jake is taking up the trumpet!! (Simon gave it to him). Anyway, I owe it to them and to you to be healthier than I am and so I'm on it.

I still cant believe you're not here anymore, that I cant phone you or hear you say "Jen Jen!!" anymore, its weird thats for sure. If I still talk to you can you hear me? Is the wind that blows gently on my face in the garden you trying to comfort me? I hope it is. I keep leaving the bedroom window open because of that breeze, almost as if you'll stay with me as long as you can, but I know that you cant really and I know I have to face that too.

I'm 33 on Tuesday and I dont know where its gone. I know that there wasnt enough time, that I needed you longer. I want you here with me and I'm scared of what my life will be without you in it. I miss you so much Daddy, I can't describe it (& thats not just because I cant see right now for the tears in my eyes ha ha!).

I decided not to have anymore children, I know how it feels not to remember your Grandad and I dont want that for mine so we talk about you often already - they will remember you Dad, I promise.

So I'm watching the football (ENG 0 - 0 USA, so far) and I hae a large gin and I'm ready to remember. I chose Jon Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders" for the service, Simon chose Rodrigo and Phil is considering "Freebird" or "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC!! Not so sure about that one but no doubt you would have laughed.

So whilst thinking I came up with this.....

Id I had 5 more minutes with you what would I say?

Well I'd probably say "Remember when..."

I remember a book, everynight before bed. I remember you couldn't miss a sentence or a page because Simon and I knew all the words...I cant remember its name though, something about a fire engine? I know we loved it though.

I remember digging the patio for about 15 years -ish!! every summer and always the same trench, Simon told me there were crocodiles in it and Phil and I wouldnt go in the garden unless you'd checked it.

I remember strawberry picking in and long, hot summers and you planted a patch at the bottom of the garden and we ate them all before you could pick them!

I remember plastic snakes and hiding your eyes from the tv and giggles and tears of laughter at Delboy, Rodney & Uncle Albert's antics every week.

I remember you smiling and happy and relaxed and I remember always being and feeling loved so very much.

You were my taxi ("Just phone me, I'll be there to pick you up"), my best friend, my Daddy - the voice of reason and sanity and fun too. My calming, reassuring influence, my stability.... I don't know how I'll ever manage without out you or how I'll give my own children what you gave me Dad without you here to guide me. You were my everything and I'm so sad here on my own. Its so hard....

Little Shop of Horrors ("FEED ME SEYMOUR!!!"), La Boheme, La Traviatta, Cavelleria Rusticana, Eric Clapton, The Eagles! We saw so many things together and I loved all of them, it was such a priviledge to be your 'date' to such special places.

I remember my wedding, you looked so proud. You said I'd never looked so lovely than that moment you walked through the door. Your speech made me cry, in fact I think I was bawling before you'd even opened your mouth!

Then there was my baby, my Jake, a grandson to play rugby for the bulldogs!! You made me promise that day late in my pregnancy when Rich's Dad took us to Blackpool to get back across the border into Yorkshire at all costs if my waters broke. "He cant play cricket for the county if he's born on t'other side Jennie!" you said, you also said I had to hold my breath all day to avoid breathing that "weird air from over ther, it'll make him funny y'know!"
You saw his scan, KNEW he was a boy before anyone else, I know you were proud and I think I saw a tear in your eye although I pretended not to notice, I dont know why.

After that you took that photo of my huge bump to show him what he did to me when he was grown, I havent found it yet....
The bottle of champagne you brought me the day he was born still sits in the cupboard waiting for his 18th, you were supposed to share it with us, guess I'll have to have yours now!

Funny things keep popping nto my head "Maltesers are NOT for sharing with greedy little buggers!!", "warpeared", "Eejit", "I heard that.....pardon?". Silly jokes with dodgy punchlines, "The ONE finger!!!!!!" tickling game, battering the reflexes in my knees with a swift jab of your hand, playfully arguing with my friend Ali over her "halfbreed status" cos her mum was from Oldham and her Dad from Barnsley.
Long summers at the cricket club, dancing around the room pretending to be Mick Jagger, phoning my Gran to see what year you were born and her saying 1960 instead of 1950 and you kept that up ALL of my life!!!!!
Boiled eggs and toasted soldiers and Hotdogs whilst watching the footy scores (its ENG 1 - 0 USA by the way)

So many things and not enough time, I enjoyed it all though and I wouldnt change any of it, except you leaving me now.

People keep telling me that you must have been one hell of a man to have raised 3 kids as compassionate, kind and caring as we are and I tell them that you were all that and so very much more, irreplaceable.

You taught me how to love you by the way that you loved me, I'm so proud to have known you, been part of you and to have loved and been loved by you.

So may people have said so many nice things about you, I found Gordon and Christine Pinder and Barry eal on t'internet and Mrs Bell (who you were right about - LOVELY WOMAN!), they all miss you

Remember that place you used to take us when we were little? "The Top of the World" you called it. Thats where we're taking you Dad, thats where I have to leave you. I cant bear to think of you as gone and I dont want to but at least I have somewhere I can take the kids or go there when I miss you most and on special days maybe.

We're planting a rose bush (white of course) in the garden and the kids are releasing some balloons with messages for you on them so you can catch them and read them in "heavens" (thats an Angelina-ism for you) & Jake wants to plant the sweet peas too. Heather wants you to know that they're getting a fish each and hers is called Alicia and Jakes is Bubbly and Angie's is Dora, they dont really understand it all, which is probably a good thing really.

And so onwards to tomorrow and the future beyond it, scary as it is I know I have to.

Your life will continue in my head and in my heart and mind our memories will always be.

Remember this, I love you forever and that will never leave either of us. Thank you for being who you were.

Thank you for everything Dad.

Eternally yours
Lots of love

Jen Jen
xxx

p.s I've enclosed some photos so you dont forget what we look like, its so hard to picture your face I thought you might have the same problem... love you. xxx

p.p.s Final score England 2 - 0 USA, thought you might appreciate that one!!

Bye Daddy.

xxx

Dad

Peter John Smith
24 Sept 1950 - 19 May 2008.

You taught me how to love you by the way that you loved me.
With kind and gentle nurturing showed me what you could see.
You gave to me through who you were the gift of who I am.
Your pride in me is now my pride, your faith shows me "I can".
Your life will not end with your death nor will it end with mine,
For all the lives I touch, you touch and so on for all time.


Miss you already, love you always.

Jen

xxx

I have this little sister Lola....

Lina (or "Lola" as she should be known as) has gained an imaginary friend.

HER name is "Alexander", I thought at first she meant "Alexandra" but she insists its "Alexander" even though she's a girl.

They're the same age although Alex has brown hair and eyes and they're "bestest everer friendses Mummy!".

So there she sits chatting away in her little voice to her friend, they talk about everything... even the weather and no one else can see her except Angelina - no not even Heather, who is finding this increasingly frustrating because she swears she can see her too.

I'm not too worried, I know many children have imaginary friends... Jake even chats to his playstation (yes..thats weird!) and Heather just talks to herself really...lol.

She hasn't taken too long to work out that she can blame her new found invisible friend for all the naughty things she does too. She made sure to tell me that its Alex who never puts the toys away and its Alex who turns off the plug socket switch that has my alarm plugged into it (she keeps making everyone late for school and I have to explain that my 3 yr old's imaginary friend cut the power to the alarm... its not fun) and apparently its Alex that likes to use a whole roll of toilet paper to wipe her teeny imaginary butt on too....

I may have to find a way to make Alex pay for it too.


So Jake has decided that his youngest sister is in fact Lola from "Charlie and Lola", the kids programme on CBeebies and I have to admit there are striking similarities!! Anyhow, he's decided to call her Lola from now on and it seems it may be beginning to stick... poor kid!!

I think I might have to hide the Charlie and Lola books before she gets any worse!!!

Give thanks for the lovely...

Mr David Tennant (YUM).

Yes Mr Tennant arrived in the post this morning... lucky me!!!

Its a life size cardboard cut out and I have to say it is LUSH!!!!!! (I lead such a pityfully sad existence don't I?)

So out it comes from the box and Rich and I are putting it together to screams of "It's the Doctor!!!" from my equally obsessed daughter Heather, Jake was mildly amused by the 6ft piece of cardboard currently situated infront of the TV watching the wonderpets and Angelina is convinced its a real person (I have to admit I jump out of my skin everytime I walk into the living room and see this strange man out of the corner of my eye!) she keeps talking to him and stroking his cardboard leg bless her. So far she has given him explicit instructions on how to use Jake's sonic screwdriver to kill aliens (and her siblings) with and she made him watch Dora the Explorer too... poor Mr Tennant.

I'm a bit worried how we're going to explain the fact that Mr Tennant is in our living room AND on the TV tonight wasting The Sontarans though.... this may not be easy.

Pics to follow as soon as I can prise the camera from the sweaty palms of my hubby!!

xx

Comedy Classic Moment.

Nick Jnr Announcer: "Next on Nick Jnr its Angelina Ballerina."

Angelina: "Next on Nick Jnr its me.... me?? MUUUUUUUUUUMMY!!!!!!! I"M ON THE TELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

me: (slightly more confused than normal) wha??

Heather: (very matter of factly) "Angelina, its a mouse...."

Angelina : "Yeah I know!!! IT'S A ME MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!"

Angelina-isms!!!!

We've had quite a lot of entertaining moments out of the temperamental one lately - which is always good for me as she's much nicer to be with when she's in a good mood!!!

She had the taxi man in fits the other day, we were coming home from Traceys (another craft filled afternoon of sewing and coffee and putting the world to rights) and I give him the street name (Summerbridge Crescent) and Angelina pipes up from the back seat

"I want one!!! I want one!!! Please Muuuuuuuuum!!" so I ask her what she's on about because (naturally) I have no clue what goes on in that busy head of hers and she says

"I want a present too!!!" at which point her eyes fill with tears as the other two start screaming for presents that I'm supposed to have hidden with me in the front seat.

He thought it was hilarious, I however, was pretty frazzled after spending 20 minutes explaining the difference between 'present' and 'crescent'.

So later I ask her what she would like for supper, she wants some toast...ok think I. no problem, toast it is...

I ask her what she would like on her toast and she says.....

"Penis butter"

yes..she really did say it, I thought Rich was going to pee his pants.

The thing with Angelina is the more tired she gets the more violent she becomes and there were soon screams coming from the living room from Jake because Angelina had hit him full on in the face (bit painful but no blood thankfully) her reason for this??

"He NEARLY kicked me Mummy!!!!"

Oh what a day.... lol.

Spring is here....

and the cleaning has not yet begun!!!!!!!!

I'm bored and I HATE being bored.

The house is a mess as usual but as my lovely (and very blind) friend Jen keeps telling me... "it's only toys and what do you expect in a house with three kids??" - I think I can go with that one! haha

No but seriously, the washing is on, the kitchen is clean and Rich is out so its all good. Thought I should probably take 5 minutes to update this place as I haven't been here since Xmas, I'm terrible I know!! I'm sure that your lives have been incomplete without my thought provoking posts. heh.

Sooooooo what have we done?

Well we had visitors in February. Rich's Dad Keith and his wife Liz came to stay with us which was great fun as usual.

Angelina set the tone by the first words out of her mouth after he'd arrived and given lovely presents. I asked her to put something away and she said in her best and most broad Yorkshire accent "Mummy, yer a pain the bloody arse!" - quite. Thankfully, Keith thought it was hilarious and she made me laugh so much that I had to go pee instead of punishing her.

So that was that, there was much fun to be had all week, especially as their car kept breaking down everytime they left the house and we'd get a phonecall asking for an AA number or sometimes they'd just phone up to swear at someone!

They were only here a week but we filled it with fun, including a trip to watch Rich's band play in Bradford. They were good actually, I was suitably impressed...lol that makes it sound like I wasn't expecting to be but you know what I mean.

Since then nothing much has happened, the kids have been off school for Easter and so we've been spending a lot of time with Tracey, Shona and Zakk, making easter baskets and painting eggs etc and doing it all in Tracey's dining room too so she saved me a job in tidying up bless her!!

I have some pics of the kids to upload, which as soon as I manage to prise the camera from the sweaty palms of my hubby I shall do it. This could take some time....

xx