meh.... New Year.

I managed to avoid the New Year celebrations in style this year. My sis-in-law Tracey left her kids with her Mum and came to mine with a few bottles. A couple of cocktails later we were singing to "Mamma Mia" and having a well earned rest. It was nice.

I have mixed feelings about the departing of 2008 and I am entering 2009 with a little trepidation... I'm very glad to see the back of the worst year of my life, but I'm also reluctant to do so as it all becomes very clear that 'life' certainly does move on without my Dad and the world has kept turning regardless of whether I wanted it to or not and not only that but I have no idea what lies ahead. I feel a bit like I'm leaving him behind but I don't want to.

Last January 1st I made a post to see in the new year, at the end of the post I made a comment about wwondering what was "coming my way next". There was no way I could have known what the year would bring and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't really have wanted to know (unless there was a way I could have stopped it) so in some ways the comment was pointless and still I wonder what this year will bring... will it be worse than the last or better?

Can it actually get any worse? In January of last year my mother lost her father (my Grandfather) that was bad enough but then in May I lost my own which is a defining moment in a girls life...you sink or swim, cope or drown under the weight of the emotions and the pressure of the immense sadness and I'm still not sure which I'm doing really, you all know how I procrastinate over everything!!

Not long after Rich's step-dad was diagnosed with Cancer and he died too. My children lost 3 family members and almost a 4th when Rich's Dad Keith had what we now know was a stark warning but we thought then was a second heart attack.

So much worry and so many tears, so many more lines on my once young face... My children are too young to learn of death. First experiences of such things belong in the "Mummy the goldfish is dead" category (we had that this year too btw!) and not the "why can't Grandad come back now?" as we've seen all too often since May.

We had to try to do something to give them a nice memory this year and so we packed up and went away to Scarborough, it was wonderful and so we're going again this year but I know that this year will remind of my heart aching as I sat on Scarborough beach watching my own children play where I'd once played building sandcastles at his feet.

So what will this year bring?

Well this is what we know.

There's a baby coming in April and with him comes a new hope, a new start maybe?

There's an anniversary in May. That black day is coming, I can feel it already and we're not even 12 hours into the new year yet.

Another holiday where I can relax and enjoy my children without a care in the world (hopefully) and after that? who knows.... I'm not a religious person by any means but please God... don't let it get any worse.

xx